Nadya Suleman is a 33 year old unemployed single mother who recently gave birth to octuplets, conceived through in vitro fertilization. She grew up as an only child and had always dreamed of having a large family. Reporters, pundits and bloggers have called her irresponsible and selfish, as she already has six children under the age of seven at home. They say it takes more than love to care for eight babies, especially if you don't have a clear source of income or enough support to help raise them.

The doctor who implanted the fertilized eggs is being investigated by the medical board. The risk of such a pregnancy is not only to the mother but also for the babies. There are potential physical problems that will need to be carefully monitored over the coming years. Likely there will be psychological issues to deal with as well.

Even though Suleman loves being a mom, there are 14 children and only one of her. She can’t do it alone. It's not possible for her to take care of the emotional needs of that many growing children. The potential developmental delays and learning disabilities will require adjunctive therapies. And the long term costs will be significant. Meanwhile, the hospital bill alone will run well over $2 million.

Suleman called her childhood dysfunctional and said she didn't feel that she had much control over her environment. Almost everyone has some identity issues or feelings of powerlessness growing up. If you are depressed or need to take better care of your emotional self, begin by following these tips:

1. Notice if you are in denial about your emotional state of mind.  What are you doing that may not be in your best interests? And why? For example, if you're thinking about getting pregnant, it could be a short term solution to help lift your spirits. And this could leave you with other longstanding problems for yourself and your family. 

2. Honor your body by understanding what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel more relaxed or alive.  

3. Forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing. Watch their reaction and see how that makes you feel. That doesn’t mean you have to totally forget about it. If you had a dysfunctional upbringing, try to understand the problems it is causing you now. Learn a lesson from the situation and move on, especially for your own good.

4. Practice what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world. Notice the effect your attitudes and behavior have on other people in your life. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

5. Knowledge is power. Use it to your advantage. Get information about ways to deal with how you're feeling - explore the Internet or the self-help section of bookstores. Think about the natural and logical consequences of the decisions you are making. Talk about how you are feeling with friends and family whose opinions you respect.

6. Support is a valuable tool - connect often. Accept the changes in your family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Find a class or workshop through your local university extension program or mental health center. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective.

7. You may be confused about what to do next. Don't be afraid to seek out a parenting coach or a family therapist.  Although you may see yourself as a natural, this is a unique situation. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference and talking with someone outside of the family about your concerns and frustrations can be a lifesaver.

All Suleman ever wanted was to be a mom: "I longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up.”  She thinks that motherhood cured her depression. But child birth should not be used as a form of self- medication.

If your feelings of depression stem from a hunger inside that needs to be satisfied or a serious emotional problem, take the time to examine your own life. That will give you the chance to focus on greater personal awareness and your own emotional growth without jeopardizing the wellbeing of others. 

 

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

 

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers' family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.  

 

Bravery and humility - often at the heart of fairy tales – are qualities that can inspire all of us to be the best that we can be. And, with the doom and gloom of the economic crisis, we were primed and about ready for a miracle. People want to feel hopeful again.

 

Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III safely landed a US Airways flight 1549 with 155 passengers and crew onboard in the Hudson River when the plane encountered problems after takeoff. Everyone survived. A spokesman for the U.S. Airline Pilots Association says that Sullenberger acted 'very calm and cool, very relaxed, just very professional.' Apparently he was the last one off the plane, walking down the aisles two times to make sure no one was left on board. Now that's a hero.

 

The challenges you face and crises you endure may not be quite so dramatic. But there are lessons we all can learn from the passengers and crew who stayed calm and pulled together on that Airbus A320 flight: 

 

1. Realize that support is a valuable tool. Reaching out to others when you need encouragement helps you make it through what seems like an impossible situation. In an emergency, hold out your hand to a stranger. Confide in friends and family as you work through difficult circumstances. Getting a second and objective opinion from a family therapist or life coach will provide you with insight and direction. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective. Or find a workshop through your local university extension or mental health center. Spending time with others will validate your emotions and make you feel better.

2. Express your gratitude often. One airplane passenger, on a rescue raft in the frigid cold, went up to Sullenberger, grabbed his arm and said 'thank you on behalf of all of us.'  Those are the moments in life that create a lasting impression. Try it yourself. Say thank you to a family member, a friend or a colleague. You'll see that others will feel more valued and you'll benefit from putting your appreciation into words. Studies show that gratitude helps you attain a better mood, increased self-esteem and a greater sense of connection to the world.

3. Develop stress relievers. If you have endured an extraordinary physical or emotional experience, take time out for yourself. By regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest, you'll be taking better care of your body. Attend to your mind and your spirit as well. Practice techniques of deep breathing, relaxation or your own form of meditation. Set aside quiet time and do what it is that gives you personal pleasure. Relax and have fun as you bring more balance into your life. Look at it as investing in your emotional bank account. You'll generate positive memories that you can draw on when you need them. 

4. Recognize an acute stress reaction. After an event where you could have died, it's natural to have a greater appreciation for life. Subsequent to a traumatic event, on the other hand, an immediate emotional reaction can turn into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is more likely to occur for those who have suffered a previous trauma, a weak support system, a history of addiction or depression. If your symptoms persist - sleep disturbance, sadness, fears, irritability, flashbacks or nightmares – don't hesitate to make an appointment with a mental health professional.

5. Be as prepared as possible ahead of time. Sullenberger was ready – he's a former air force fighter pilot, an expert in safety reliability methods and has 40 years of flying experience. Although you may not need training for an emergency landing, you can be equipped for what lies ahead. If you're making an important presentation at work, setting guidelines for your kidult who can't find a job and is moving back home or talking to your dad about giving up the car keys, learn as much as you can about the issues. Research the subject, write out talking points, get feedback from those whose opinions you value.

 

As you look back, how have you dealt with trauma in the past? And how has this changed you? Take the specific strategies that you learned and apply the most effective ones again and again. Look at the ways you can continue to build on your internal and external strengths. A double bird strike disabling two engines is a highly improbable set of circumstances. Yet there are many extraordinary situations we cannot predict. Hopefully you won't ever have to brace for a crash landing. But being prepared never hurt anyone.

 

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

 

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers' family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.  

 

 

 

“I wondered where I could go to get technical assistance. I didn’t know where to look. I found out later that there were many resources at the Small Business Administration, and had I known about them when I had my own business, it would have been very helpful to me.” Betsy Myers, formerly with the Small Business Association

 

Have you ever been in a situation, especially one involving financial matters like taxes or cash flow or profit-and-loss statements, where you just couldn’t make sense of them? Did you feel you might be missing some essential ingredient? Did you feel liked you just didn’t get it, even though you understood the individual numbers on the page? If that’s happened to you, it may be because you are missing the big picture, the business context, or the financial relationships that tell the story

 

Lack of interest in financial matters and resources can sabotage a great business idea and promising career.

Betsy Myers’s experiences with her own insurance and financial-planning company enabled her to understand the problems women business owners face. In fact, she found that there were many resources at the Small Business Association (SBA)—resources available to all business owners. With so many women funding their businesses from their personal credit cards because they are unaware of other sources, this is not small issue.

 

During her tenure at the SBA, Betsy helped establish an easier way for women to get loans. “In the PreQual Program, we reversed the steps of the loan process. Instead of a woman going to the bank first, she would come to SBA first and we would pre-approve the loan. That was a huge success. When I joined the SBA and saw the statistics—52% of women business owners use credit cards and 18% use personal resources—I was appalled that 70% of women can’t get capital. Many women-owned businesses are service businesses without collateral. Banks don’t traditionally take risks and make loans for small amounts.

 

The SBA not only offers a variety of loan programs, it guarantees loans made by private lenders. You must still produce a business plan and qualifications for a loan to receive support from the SBA, but the guarantee often helps you get a better loan package with lower interest rates, longer repayment periods, and reduced monthly payments.

 

The SBA is only one source of capital; there are many others. The point is to expand your vision. Before you pull out your credit cards, take time to research what other sources of capital are available. When you approach raising capital in a businesslike manner, financial institutions and private lenders will see you are serious about your future success—and you know how money works.

 

If you’re an entrepreneur, understanding the big financial picture and the business and economic environment will help you know what you need and how to get it. If you are in a corporation, this understanding will prepare you to make a conscious contribution to the bottom line and to make more successful strategic and tactical decisions. No matter where you work, becoming financially informed and resourceful is essential in managing your career and achieving your goals.

 

Most people, particularly women, seem so surprised when I share that only 11% of women perceived themselves as courageous out of over 750 survey forms distributed nationally. Why? Women are more inclined to see it in other women than have the capability of defining it, much less claiming courage in ourselves. One woman said, “I don’t feel my parents, much less society, taught me or prepared me to understand how to embrace the virtue of courage. Yet, during times of indecision I feel I need it more than ever.”

On the other side of the coin, men will casually and naturally use the word to identify a woman.

The first five years (out of thirteen) of my original research I researched the actions of courage. I extracted several common themes that yielded the twelve behaviors of courage found on the “Source Wheel” diagram. One theme was the notion of sacrificing or choosing to take an immediate hit to achieve a long-range goal. Courageous people choose to forgo immediate satisfaction by taking risks and hurdling obstacles (one of the twelve behaviors on the Source Wheel diagram). They identify, claim and apply the original definition of courage, meaning “heart and spirit.” In other words, when a situation requires them to “step up” and display their authenticity, they do!

Cable television featured the movie “The Legend of Bagger Vance” about a post WWI golfer and a mysterious caddie. Set in Georgia, the dispirited Savannah folks decide a tournament will boost their war torn morale. But, they fancied a southern pro to represent them; a traumatized golfer with flashbacks reluctantly commits to their request. In the middle of the night, he uncovers his abandoned and dusty clubs and goes out in his backyard to hit golf balls. While he chops away at the ball, out of nowhere, a mysterious man with suitcase in hand walks out from the countryside. With clever indifference, the stranger discreetly starts to coach the frustrated hacker.

Bagger Vance is the inexplicably wise caddie that teaches the troubled golfer how to reach deep inside and find his “authentic swing”. He tells the conflicted golfer: “This is the authentic swing you were born with—the one you came into this world with—the authentic swing is all that you are! You’re just caught up with life’s ought’as and should’as.” The underlying message is not a new one and you don’t have to love golf to get the message. It’s about having the courage to examine the Self rather than remain self-righteous.

Uncertainty is an inevitable condition throughout life. Right now, most of us feel it. Second-guessing ourselves or living in the past or future keeps us out of the present moment. This is where courage comes in to play. The essence of courage is a spiritual energy from the heart that in defining moments motivates a person to take action.

A quote from my first book, COURAGE, I write: “Courage is much more complex than spontaneous reactions to traumatic events.” Using courage as an ally means bundling a combination of courageous actions, such as continually learning, persisting to be mindful of defining moments and holding oneself 100% accountable for our choices. Often times, if defining moments are missed they become chances gone by, never to be reclaimed, such as not accepting a tough project, moving to another state or marrying outside one’s religion.

Without the development of courage other virtues such as honesty, compassion or humor will struggle to find their place. Aristotle believed that courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all the other virtues possible. Don’t wait till it’s too late!

Moral of the story: Start now! Design your life with courage so you live in the core (courage) of your essence. Don’t simply visit this world.

Sandra Ford Walston, The Courage Expert

Innovator, StuckThinking™

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

 

What can an Wall Street banker learn from cowboys about ethics?  Read on.

Each year in January, the National Western Stock Show comes to Denver and takes over the town.  The Stock Show is a Denver tradition.  It features the highest paying indoor rodeo in the world.  Farmers and ranchers from all over the Midwest and West come to view the exhibits and see the latest in farm machinery and veterinary technology.  Kids exhibit the animals they’ve raised.  McDonald’s purchases the prize steer.  The young man who raised this year’s winner won $50,000 for his efforts.  Cowboys flock to the local bars and restaurants.  All in all, it’s a pretty cool thing – an event that has been going on for over 100 years and something that defines Denver in January.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this.  There is a reason.  On Sunday, January 25, The Denver Post got into the Stock Show tradition and did a feature on a book called Cowboy Ethics: What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West.  It’s written by James P. Owen, a retired Wall Street exec who is now a professional speaker on investments.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that these days Wall Street could use a dose of ethics – cowboy or otherwise.  Think Bernie Maddoff who defrauded investors of over $50 billion, or John Thain, the Merril Lynch CEO who paid bonuses to executives who ran a company that lost $15 billion dollars in the last three months of 2008, and spent $1.2 million redecorating his office.

James lists 10 principles for finance professionals that he says are part of an implicit code of the old west and “borne from both the need for rugged individualism and a sense of how a community can take care of itself.”  I think these ten principles provide a great guide for how to build and maintain strong relationships.  See for yourself…

1. Live each day with courage.
2. Take pride in your work.
3. Always finish what you start.
4. Do what has to be done.
5. Be tough, but fair.
6. When you make a promise, keep it.
7. Ride for the brand.
8. Talk less, say more.
9. Remember that some things are not for sale.
10. Know where to draw the line.

James autographs Cowboy Ethics with the words “Ride tall.  Shoot straight.”  This is great common sense advice for building the types of relationships that will help you create personal and professional success. 

Interpersonal competence is one of the keys to success that I discuss in Straight Talk for Success.  If you want to become interpersonally competent, you need to do three things.  1) Get to know yourself.  Use this self knowledge to better understand others.  2) Build and maintain strong, lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with the important people in your life.  3) Learn how resolve conflict in a positive manner.

The common sense point here is simple.  Successful people are interpersonally competent.  Interpersonally competent people build strong, lasting relationships with the people in their lives.  Cowboy Ethics provides some excellent advice on how to build and maintain high quality relationships.  There are ten points in the Cowboy Ethics code, but they can be summed up quite well in four words: Ride tall.  Shoot Straight.  Ride tall.  Be proud of who you are, what you do, and how you do it.  Shoot straight.  Be honest and straightforward.  Keep your promises, don’t sell your soul for a few (or a few billion) dollars.

That’s my take on the National Western Stock Show, cowboy ethics and building high quality relationships.  What’s yours?  Please leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading.

I think I’m successful precisely because I am who I am.” Eunice Azzani, Senior Client Partner, Korn/Ferry International

 

In the course of her career as a corporate recruiter at Korn/Ferry International in San Francisco, Eunice Azzani has learned the importance of using her unique qualities to create her success, even when it meant doing things in ways that didn’t fit the dominant business model. She says early in her life she thought of her Texas accent as a disadvantage; now she believes it has been helpful in bringing a “down home” quality to her interactions with people, who find it a refreshing change from the formality and rigidity of many business settings.

 

Eunice said in our first interview many years ago, “I think I am successful precisely because I am who I am. People are drawn to someone whom they perceive has maintained the realness, the courage. When you’re different, if you’re not part of the corporate model, or you don’t look and act the role, people are always in effect saying don’t be who you are, you have to be this way. I’m convinced we have really destroyed a lot of creativity in our nation because people are trying so hard to be something they’re not that they can’t shine.

 

Fortunately, times have changed. Eunice now believes that today women no longer have to play the role; that there is freedom to be who you are. She equates the freedom partly to having more life experience, and partly to societal changes.“ It used to be that you had to fit in. Bow ties! I remember young women being advised that they couldn’t have long hair or they had to pull it back and wear glasses. I say, ‘No, you don’t. Go be who you are. You don’t have to try to look a certain way.’

I’m sure ‘dress for success’ must still be around somewhere. I see it as irrelevant. At the same time, we know there are people who can be off-put by certain things, rings in a nose or tongue. I actually love that. And tattoos. We are looking past a lot of those things today. It’s about the people, what they’ve done and what they can do.

 

Maybe not all corporate recruiters today love nose rings, as Eunice does, but the trend toward looking for the value in the person, not in a persona, spans the country. It is about the people. Not about what they wear or how they play the role. Are they real? Do they have unique perspectives to bring to a business? Bringing who you are to the table is not only refreshing but prudent. Executive recruiters know this as more and more businesses seek out innovative people to bring new ideas to their companies.

 

Successful people like Eunice Azzani attribute their continued success to being authentic. Successful people who express themselves honestly, encourage others to feel free to do the same. A sense of respect surrounds those who dare to be themselves, show their uniqueness, and bring their best self to the table.

“You have to decide how you’re going to prepare for your retirement or your children’s schooling or whatever. You need discipline. You have to be honest with yourself. There are all kinds of ways [people and things] to get advice on what you need to do.”  Muriel Siebert, President, Muriel Siebert & Company, Inc.

 

The money game may seem to be one thing or another depending on whether you are starting a business or working in a corporation, but in fact there are many basic similarities. Whether you run your own business or department or are just starting out in a company, it’s important to know what constitutes acceptable profit margins, how to interpret daily and weekly sales reports, how to understand profit and loss statements, and how to forecast budgets and cash flow. You can’t make good decisions in any business setting if you don’t have a firm grasp of the basics; nor can you participate at higher levels and advance your career if you can’t speak the language of money and finance.

 

How do you go about gaining financial know-how, especially if it seems a foreign and intimidating subject? Muriel Siebert, first woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, know it is simply a process of increasing your sophistication through experience and of actively educating yourself.

 

Muriel Siebert built her entire business life on an aggressive and creative approach to money—its management and its uses. Called the “First Woman of Finance,” Muriel says, “Money is a very important topic.” Yet, she realizes that it is not an area that comes as easily to others as it does to her. “I found in college and after that I have a talent: I can look at a page of numbers and they light up and tell me a story. Business was a natural place for me to be. In my first job I was a security analyst and was studying companies and writing reports. My accounting knowledge was very important in my ability to find stocks through cash flow or for whatever reason.

 

The first step to developing the kind of discipline needed to become financially savvy is taking responsibility for your financial education. Knowledge of financial issues, in turn, positions you for personal and professional success. Muriel suggests going to financial seminars, continuing education courses, and familiarizing yourself with software programs for managing personal finances. The Internet also offers helpful forums on business and finance.

 

You can’t learn it all overnight, nor do you have to go it alone. Here are five important suggestions that can serve as a basis for developing greater financial skill and expertise:

1. Understand the big financial picture
2. Take charge of learning what you need to know
3. Make sure you get paid what you’re worth
4. Research and write your own business plan
5. Set solid financial goals

Have fun,

If you go in and try to borrow money and the loan officer turns you down, and that’s your first experience, you’re afraid to go to another bank. But if you were taught to expect that, to know that it may take you forty tries to get a loan, then you’ll know what to expect.” Alison Becker, Restaurateur

Alison Becker had run two different restaurants for five years before she decided to start her own. The turning point for Alison was the realization that she “didn’t want to work for anybody and do all the work for them anymore.” With the responsibilities she carried at each restaurant she managed, she felt “they might as well have been my own.” That realization prompted her to educate herself in raising start-up capital and mastering the other skills she needed to become a financially savvy businesswoman.

Before she opened her first restaurant in Manhattan, New York, she spent a year learning about her financial needs, raising money, and looking for space. She exclaims, “The weirdest things happen when you’re raising money. People you didn’t expect to invest become irate because you didn’t ask them. Then others, who promise and promise to invest for days on end, suddenly disappear and you never talk to them again. I had somebody put money in and then want it back. This is the kind of information people should know about raising money.”

Eventually, Alison decided to form a limited partnership. This meant that she was the general partner, remaining in control of the daily operations of her business, while the other investors’ liability was limited to whatever they had contributed. “I went through a lawyer to set it up,” Alison says. “I think it’s a smart thing to do, especially the first go-around.” Alison believes this kind of partnership is especially helpful to those who want to own their own business but don’t necessarily have the collateral to qualify for institutional loans. Later, when Alison had a track record with her restaurant, she applied for conventional loans using the restaurant property as collateral.

Over the years Alison has learned the importance of becoming more financially confident. She says, “The IRS isn’t something to be scared of, because it’s more than happy to work with you, once you get over being scared of it. The same thing with bankers.” Alison believes you have to get over being scared and learn how it all works. “If you go in and try to borrow money and the loan officer turns you down, and that’s your first experience, you’re afraid to go to another bank. But if you were taught to expect that, to know that it may take you forty tries to get a loan, then you’ll know what to expect.” 

Alison has also learned to view success and failure in a different way. “I always figure if you fail, you fail. It’s easier once you realize that failure is not necessarily bad. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person; it’s just something that didn’t work. If you’re smart and you’re willing to start all over again, you can always work your way back up.”

With the economy making loans difficult to attain these days, it’s helpful to be aware of personal loans, limited partnerships, and how they work. It’s important to become financially savvy now, so you will be ready when the financial market improves.

It is the perfect time to learn more about money and be ready when it loosens up!

Have fun,

What consumes your time? In an O, Magazine issue, Oprah wrote: “How you spend your time defines who you are. I try not to waste time—because I don’t want to waste myself.”

Does it seem that everyone but you runs your life? A coaching client shared that she feels her life seems to belong to someone else. She said, “Many times, I feel that I am ‘doing’ everything I don’t really want to do. I always wonder: Where did the time go? Who controls my life anyway?”   

Welcome to the way of life you (we) created! Only one enemy hovers silently in your life. What’s that, you ask? Time! Watch people. They are totally overwhelmed trying to control their work and personal schedules. Trapped in the domination of Enemy Number One, you can see them sulking and hear them huffing: “I’m sooooo busy! I have too much to do, and no time to do it (especially this time of the year)!” It’s as if “busy” has become a status symbol. Do you feel like your nose is always to the grindstone?

What consumes your time? In an O, Magazine issue, Oprah wrote: “How you spend your time defines who you are. I try not to waste time—because I don’t want to waste myself.” Of that same notion, I recently heard a seventy-year-old woman say, “I don’t read books unless they heal my body, mind and spirit. Each day is too precious. I am conscious about whom I share time with and whether I will go to a movie or paint. Solitude is a key part of my day—that’s when I stop to meditate—I invite God into my life.” This woman was conscious that being present to her actions and choices allowed her to acknowledge her spirit (as if it was her last day). The point is that we don’t have to wait for retirement to experience this. 

Slowing down could be the single most effective action to initiate your courage : it allows you to come from your “heart and spirit,” the origin of the word courage. What would happen if you stopped for ten minutes, right now? Spiritual teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., suggests that we stop for a moment all our doing and shift into the “being mode.” How? Don’t make one more phone call. Don’t sit and catch up on the business journals piling up on the floor by your reading chair. Don’t boot up to check if any new emails came in. This stress management guru reminds us that when we “stop” we can be more present. Transformation in courage has to do with moving what you know to be true to a deeper level. Then, your life becomes more vivid and simpler. 

Being comes from a peaceful place within, usually discovered when you undertake a contemplative journey. Contemplative founder Thomas Keating says this is not so much an exercise of attention as intention—what I call the “Declaration of Courageous Intention”—having the courage to declare that stopping in your life is important to stay present. Embracing “being,” you start to diminish setbacks and begin to insert ideas about how you are undermining your time each day. This requires a commitment to inviting peace into your life.  

Eckhart Tolle, the author of Stillness Speaks, says we have created in our society a role at work called “nervous mind energy.” You’ve seen the way people gather (late) for the “critical” staff meeting: Everyone is hyper with jerky eye movements as if this is a key intrusion in their lives because they’re so busy. The next time you attend a meeting, suggest everyone stop for three minutes and compose their energy. You will notice a shift in the mood as the people become focused and centered; a different appreciation for listening will manifest and authenticity will start to lead the meeting.  

No one sums this thought up better than the author of Peace Is Every Step, Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich That Hanh: “When I allow my thoughts to be inspired before I speak, I give myself the opportunity to use words that uplift, encourage, and heal. I take a moment to become still within and think on divinely inspired thoughts before I speak and act. In so doing, I will not cause to regret my words and actions.” It takes courage to shift your perception about the use of time.   

Courageously yours,

Sandra Ford Walston, The Courage Expert

Innovator, StuckThinking™

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

 

 

Maybe it’s time to be the real you. No one ever went to their grave joyfully embracing all their accumulative regrets! Be courageous! Give yourself permission to be BIG.

Why is it so hard to be all that we can be? We rarely seem to remember those moments when we were “BIG”—not arrogant, but full of “true self”—when inner purpose aligned with outer purpose. Recently, I had an email from a woman that read: “I just landed a great job! For the first time in my working life, I negotiated my salary to my satisfaction. I didn’t give my talents away for fear of not being hired. At 48 years-old, I feel proud that I gave myself permission to be me. Why did it take me so long to become aware of my self-esteem? Why did I feel the need to diminish my spirit?”  

Guess what? She’s not the only person slow to awaken their self-esteem. I always ask clients: “Have you given yourself permission to be as big, as powerful and as passionate as you really are?” I’m not talking about your girth I’m talking about your mirth. I’m talking about your passion and depth of essence. Or are you stuck in conditioned responses, such as “uncertainty paralyzes me” or “I’m too old to make changes?” Are these the labels you’ve fastened on your life’s journey? If so, this is the opposite of courage.   

Many of my readers, corporate/association clients or coaching clients tell me that I have given them “permission to be themselves.” I haven’t really. What I have done is guide them to see that their courageous self, the one who perceives deeply; yet, hides it for fear of being judged or demeaned. From that real self perspective, new insights about their inner passion and hidden wishes comes forth. This newfound courage and sense of freedom merges body, mind and spirit. 

In many cases, the inner power of the person is different from the power of the visual persona we show the world. I don’t know where or when we were told that being who we are is in some way inappropriate or inadequate, but people don’t want an artifice. Most people say they prefer truth and authenticity. Have you noticed in the media when someone is blatantly honest people are shocked whereas corruption, cheating or lying is accepted as an everyday happenstance? Here are a few questions for you:

1. Is there any difference between the ways you joke around and play in your kitchen with close friends than the way you are with your colleagues?
2. Do you lose your sense of spontaneity and voice when you “step up” to reveal an opinion in a staff meeting?

I certainly have, and if you do, I would request you begin the process of bringing your true self and your courage (from the origin of the word meaning, “heart and spirit”) closer together. Give yourself permission to be yourself such as speaking up about something you have been unwilling to say. Ask yourself:

• “What courageous conversation did I put off in 2008 that needs to be addressed?”
• “What am I doing what I absolutely dislike? Why am I procrastinating?”

Maybe it’s time to be the real you. No one ever went to their grave joyfully embracing all their accumulative regrets! Be courageous! Give yourself permission to be BIG, and take the next step. 

Moral of the story from an Ancient Chinese Proverb: “He who hesitates before each step spends his life on one leg.” 

Courageously yours,

Sandra Ford Walston, The Courage Expert

Innovator, StuckThinking™

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved