THERE’S ONLY ONE ENEMY hovering silently in your life. What’s that, you ask? Time! Watch people. They’re totally overwhelmed trying to control their work and personal schedules. Trapped in the domination of Enemy Number One, you can see them sulking and hear them huffing: “I’m sooooo busy! I have too much to do, and no time to do it!”

Do you feel like your nose is always to the grindstone? What consumes your time? In an O Magazine issue, Oprah wrote: “How you spend your time defines who you are. I try not to waste time — because I don’t want to waste myself.” Of that same notion, I recently heard a seventy-year-old woman say, “I don’t read books unless they heal my body, mind and spirit. Each day is too precious. I am conscious about whom I share time with and whether I will go to a movie or paint. Solitude is a key part of my day — that’s when I stop to meditate — I invite God into my life.” While this woman was conscious that being present to her actions and choices allowed her to acknowledge her spirit (as if it was her last day), we don’t have to wait for retirement to experience this.

Slowing down could be the single most effective action to initiate your courage: it allows you to come from your “heart and spirit,” the origin of the word. What would happen if you stopped for ten minutes, right now? Spiritual teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., suggests that we stop for a moment all the doing and shift into the “being mode.” How? Don’t make one more phone call. Don’t sit and catch up on the business journals piling up on the floor by your reading chair. Don’t boot up to check if any new emails came in, and turn off the television. This stress management guru reminds us that when we “stop” we can be more present. Transformation in courage has to do with moving what you know to be true to a deeper level. Then, your life becomes more vivid and simpler.

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®. Please visit www.sandrawalston.com.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

Discernment means a time to reflect or stop in order to distinguish between differences or perceptions. There are numerous discernment definitions on the Web. Discernment in Wikipedia means “to describe the process of discerning God’s will for one’s life.” As a practicing contemplative, for me it means being able to respond to my highest “courageous will” (as Spirit intended). Coming from one’s courageous will is easier said than done. Regardless of your discernment definition a concrete exercise can come in handy to reveal your courage.

One of the exercises I learned in a Nine Month Contemplative course I took in 2008 required us to take a lined piece of paper and divide vertically the paper in half. At the top of the page write: “What are the advantages and disadvantages of my ...” (such as letting go of a dysfunctional friend or seeking a new job during an economic downturn). On the right hand column at the top write “Advantages” and on the top left hand column write “Disadvantages.” Using bullets in each column, write down your thoughts for “Advantages” and “Disadvantages.”

Using a new piece of paper, flow through the contemplative discernment exercise three different times in about 10 days (or less, depending on the need for a decision). This process allows you to make the best choice given the set of circumstances.

Your sincere heart shows up during this journey allowing you to make wise judgments—judgments that hopefully in the long run do not surface in the form of regrets. I found this discernment process brought clarity to many questions I struggled with and inner peace was the outcome. With courageous intention you begin to discriminate on what you are called to be. You learn to come from your true Self--not a bad place to be during the holiday season

May you be free to live up to your highest courageous will! Ask yourself: What would you do if you had unlimited courage?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®. Please visit www.sandrawalston.com.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

"We had a plan in place to move forward with pricing. She was in the situation and just went with the idea that came to her mind. She needs to think instead of react.” My client's boss' comment about her performance. My sister in law told me about her day last week as a pre-school teacher: “I came home and snapped at the kids.”

How about you? Do you think, or do you react..some would say "over-react?"

Usually when you react it is because you perceive that something is beyond your control, and will either lead to a bad outcome (i.e., my client might have thought if she doesn’t act now, someday she’ll have to sit in her boss’s office having to explain the missed opportunity) or reminds you of a bad outcome (my sister in law’s children made her feel as powerless as she did with her preschool students). Your reaction is an effort to say or do something that will prevent an uncomfortable feeling or situation but it usually will just create another situation you will regret.

Here’s what you want to do next time:

1. Prevent yourself from getting to the point of reacting:Usually you have a build up of stress and whatever happens in the moment is the ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back’. Tune into your body, what are your particular early warning signs to know if stress is building up? When you are under stress, you are operating from the part of your brain where gut reactions come from, rather than the ‘thinking’ part of your brain. Your ‘mind follows your breath’ so you want to use breathing techniques to calm your nervous system and keep the thinking part of your brain in charge. An example of such a breathing technique can be found in one of my prior video blogs.
2. Reel yourself back from reacting:If you find yourself tempted to react, get in the habit of immediately asking clarifying questions, or attempt to understand the situation before jumping to the worst case scenario. Once your reaction is set in motion, see if you can ask for a pause from the interaction. Or even just slow down the momentum of the interaction in order to get your thinking brain back on track. For example, you can talk out loud in an effort to clarify your position, e.g., “I’m getting upset about this because…” Or you can identify something specific in the situation that you can do or ask for from the other person – this will make sure that you are engaging your brain in constructive problem-solving and getting away from emotional reactivity.

If you want techniques to help you prevent the build up of stress and overload, and techniques to use the thinking part of your brain instead of react, then listen to the recording of my teleconference call entitled Success under Stress for Women: How to Double your Effectiveness at Work and Energy at Home.

If you have ‘too much work and not enough time’, if difficult people at work or at home interfere with your performance, if you are noticing the signs of stress in your body…then learn how to get more results with less stress at work and feel more in control of your life. Here are just a few of the practical tools you will learn:

• The one rule you need to follow that will immediately turn around your stress and make sure you can be calm, clear thinking and confident in any situation
• What research says about women’s strengths under stress and what pitfalls you need to look out for
• The sentence you can say to gain the cooperation of difficult people or people that don’t give you what you need to finish your projects
• The secrets to being less reactive so you can respond with poise and act like a leader

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Sharon Melnick, Ph.D. is an executive coach and trainer who works with high potential and senior executives to rapidly remove any blocks to their leadership effectiveness. She combines ‘best practices’ executive coaching approaches with behavior change methods she developed over 10 years as a psychologist at Harvard Medical School.

Not since the Great Depression have so many fledgling adults moved into the empty nest with mom and dad. This cyclical trend has accelerated along with the economic crisis. Faced with school loans, debts or no job, it makes sense to head for home - with its emotional security and financial safety net. If you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, caring for parents growing older as well as kids growing up, adding a boomerang kid to that mix can increase your stress level.

Recently the statistics have changed markedly. Monster's 2009 annual entry level job outlook reports that 40% of 2008 college graduates moved in with their parents and 42% of 2006 graduates were still living at home. The data from Twenty-Something, Inc. indicates that 85% of 2011 college seniors planned to move back in with their parents. This is attributed to a 15% unemployment rate in the 20-24 year old cohort as well as other economic factors postponing financial and residential independence.

The huge boom in boomerangs has generated its fair share of pop culture angst. This phenomenon really doesn't reflect failure on the part of parents or the laziness of kids today. Transition to adulthood just seems to be more fragmented and complicated. And who wouldn't take advantage of a warm, comfortable and familiar port in the storm?

But coddling can stunt development and over-managing isn't the best way to monitor the investment you've made in your kids. Here are some ideas that will eventually help you reap the dividends:

1. Have a serious conversation. Try to understand why your emerging adults are moving back home and how you feel about it. Avoid triangulation as your relationship with your spouse has to accommodate to the changes. Be prepared for less privacy and spontaneity as well as new patterns of parenting and interacting. Ensure, early on, that everyone has similar expectations.
2. Establish accountability and boundaries. Negotiate household chores and financial obligations upfront. Having rules in place will ease the transition and smooth out the day-to-day interactions. Since your kids have been living independently, clarify issues around curfew, checking in and sleepovers - and set limits together, as adults.
3. Determine a time frame. Their ultimate goal should be to live on their own. Encourage your kids to set short term objectives and work toward this. Dependency comes with a price - lack of control, potential conflict and unsolicited advice. Having a mutual agreement about when to move out will help you avoid resentments along the way.
4. Hold to your commitment. Try to keep limits and deadlines in place. You can arrange a family meeting from time to time and check in with each other. Is the arrangement working out? Do you need to clear the air?  Should you negotiate ground rules? If you can work as a team, you're all more likely to be willing to compromise.

Although living together again after living apart has its set of challenges, there's also a bright side. You have the chance to help your kids get a head start. Consider how you're supporting them as they find a job, get into graduate school or save money and develop the skills that will facilitate their moving out on their own. If you're a multi-generational household, your boomerang kids can ease your load by helping to care for their grandparents. Their relationships will deepen while both will learn from each other's experiences and wisdom. So enjoy parenting the second time around as you give your boomerang kids a sense of security in their time of need. And relish the family closeness while creating shared memories.Her Mentor Center, 2011

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship expert with solutions if you're coping with stress, acting out teens, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law. Log on to http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for a free ezine,' Stepping Stones,' and ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals." Visit http://www.HerMentorCenter.com for practical tips & learn about "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm." 

Each year in January, the National Western Stock Show comes to Denver and takes over the town.  The Stock Show is a Denver tradition.  It features the highest paying indoor rodeo in the world.  Farmers and ranchers from all over the Midwest and West come to view the exhibits and see the latest in farm machinery and veterinary technology.  Kids exhibit the animals they’ve raised.  McDonald’s purchases the prize steer.  The young man who raised this year’s winner won $50,000 for his efforts.  Cowboys flock to the local bars and restaurants.  All in all, it’s a pretty cool thing – an event that has been going on for over 100 years and something that defines Denver in January.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this.  There is a reason.  The Denver Post got into the Stock Show tradition and did a feature on a book called Cowboy Ethics: What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West.  It’s written by James P. Owen, a retired Wall Street exec who is now a professional speaker on investments.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that these days Wall Street could use a dose of ethics – cowboy or otherwise.  Think Bernie Maddoff who defrauded investors of over $50 billion, or John Thain, the Merril Lynch CEO who paid bonuses to executives who ran a company that lost $15 billion dollars in the last three months of 2008, and spent $1.2 million redecorating his office.

James lists 10 principles for finance professionals that he says are part of an implicit code of the old west and “borne from both the need for rugged individualism and a sense of how a community can take care of itself.”  I think these ten principles provide a great guide for how to build and maintain strong relationships.  See for yourself…

1. Live each day with courage.
2. Take pride in your work.
3. Always finish what you start.
4. Do what has to be done.
5. Be tough, but fair.
6. When you make a promise, keep it.
7. Ride for the brand.
8. Talk less, say more.
9. Remember that some things are not for sale.
10. Know where to draw the line.

James autographs Cowboy Ethics with the words “Ride tall.  Shoot straight.”  This is great common sense advice for building the types of relationships that will help you create personal and professional success. 

The common sense point here is simple.  Successful people are interpersonally competent.  Interpersonally competent people build strong, lasting relationships with the people in their lives.  Cowboy Ethics provides some excellent advice on how to build and maintain high quality relationships.  There are ten points in the Cowboy Ethics code, but they can be summed up quite well in four words: Ride tall.  Shoot Straight.  Ride tall. 

Be proud of who you are, what you do, and how you do it.  Shoot straight.  Be honest and straightforward.  Keep your promises, don’t sell your soul for a few (or a few billion) dollars.That’s my take on the National Western Stock Show, cowboy ethics and building high quality relationships.  What’s yours?  Please leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading.

Bud

Once in a while I read a poem that makes me stop and reflect on the lost courage I have accumulated in my life. Much of the accumulative suffering is couched in regrets. Regrets represent lost courage, usually layered in blame. Do you have the courage to confront this question: “What percentage of your spirit is filled with regrets?”

Linda Ellis’ poem “The Dash,” moved me to reflection. With our gnat-like attention span we don’t take time to reflect and welcome introspection much less “simple courage” behaviors. Simplicity takes talent, intention and advocates!

THE DASH

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Linda Ellis from "The Dash" copyright 1998
"Watch Linda's movie about “The Dash”

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®. Please visit www.sandrawalston.com.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

Research by psychologist K. Anders Erikson has shown that it requires approximately 10,000 hours of intentional practice, with coaching, to become an expert. Ten thousand hours is roughly equivalent to ten years of putting in 20 hours of practice a week. The importance of perseverance and practice is obvious.

Every bit as essential to becoming great, yet less obvious, is the importance of the character strengths of humility and love. Humility encourages you to seek and truly accept coaching, and love is what allows you to give and receive the relational support of others needed to persevere through the inevitable ups and downs of life.

Years ago I met and spoke with Andre Agassi when he was playing a tennis tournament in Burbank, California. This was during a period when Agassi had fallen from being one of the top players in the world to being so lowly ranked that it was difficult for him to get into major tournaments. Andre had the skills but just wasn’t playing anywhere near the top of his game. The Burbank tournament was the turning point. Agassi won the tournament and went on to return to the ranks of the top tennis players in the world. What happened?

Agassi attributed his turnaround to the guidance, support, encouragement and love he received from his wife (tennis great Steffi Graf), his coach, and other family members and friends. Before that time, Agassi had isolated himself. He was trying to self-help his way back to greatness. It is likely that he had grown lonely. When Andre humbled himself to accept coaching and connect relationally with a group of individuals whom he loved and who loved him, that’s when the magic happened.

I remember seeing Agassi walk around at the tournament and talk to people. There were several policemen there and I recall observing him chatting with each of them. When fans wanted an autograph, he patiently waited and signed each program or tennis ball. Andre was humble and more grounded than I had expected.

I believe that one key to Agassi’s comeback is that he had developed greater heart. The French word for heart is coeur, which is the root of the word courage. By admitting he could not come back on his own and reaching out for the help of others, Andre showed courage.  The word encourage means to give some of one’s heart to another. Along with the advice of his coach, Andre’s loving family and friends gave of their hearts and encouraged him.

A formulaic phrase I use when working with organizations that want to thrive is this: task excellence + relationship excellence = sustainable superior performance. Time and again I’ve witnessed that it can’t only be about the product; people, and specifically connection among the people, is equally critical. I see it here too. Years of time on the tennis court plus the connection Agassi developed with his relational support system was the key to his rising to once again be among the top-ranked tennis players in the world.

This message -- the need for love and encouragement, and for humility to accept advice from a coach or mentor -- is especially relevant now when research has shown that many individuals feel left out and have isolated themselves relationally. Research shows that people are more narcissistic and more people live alone today than at any time in U.S. history. A quarter of Americans report they have not had a conversation with a close friend over the last six months. They are struggling, like Andre did, and they desperately need our help to develop the courage, the heart, to take the risk of reaching out to connect with family and friends. We need to encourage them, to share our hearts with them, so that they can find the heart to reconnect. If a friend or family member has come to mind, I hope you will reach out and encourage him by sharing your heart.

In summary, if you want to be great at something, recognize that it will take years of persistent practice, develop the humility to learn from a coach who will help you see what you can’t such as your blind spots and advice on how to improve, and develop the courage to love family and friends. Your love will nourish them with emotional support and encouragement just as their love and encouragement will nourish you. Encouraged and loved, you’ll find you can persevere through the peaks and valleys you’ll encounter along the way.

It’s surprising, isn’t it, that developing one’s heart is an essential but rarely mentioned element to achieve lasting greatness. Like Andre Agassi, you may be great for a season, but it is utterly unsustainable unless you develop the “heart of a champion.”

Michael Lee Stallard speaks, teaches workshops and writes about leadership, employee engagement, productivity and innovation.  He is the primary author of the bestselling book Fired Up or Burned Out: How to Reignite Your Team's Passion Creativity and Productivity.  Learn more about Michael's company, E Pluribus Partners, and his blog MichaelLeeStallard.com.

Recently, the Ask Amy column in The Denver Post had an interesting piece from a small business owner.  Here is what this small business owner had to say.

Dear Amy:
I am trying to get through to people and teenagers how to apply for jobs and how to keep the job once they get it.
I own a small deli and grocery store, and I have tried to hire and keep good help.  People show up wearing short tops baring their midriffs, and rings in their noses, eyebrows, lips and belly buttons.
They often have very poor hygiene.  Employees take calls from and make calls to their kids, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends.  Some bring their cellphones in and look at them every ten minutes to see whether they have missed a call.
I am so disappointed at the level and quality of people who come to me looking for jobs. 
I wish that parents and teachers did a better job of educating young people on how to get ready for the workplace.  It would make my customers and me so much happier.
Small Business Owner

Amy replied…

Dear Owner:
I agree that young people should have a more specific understanding of how to apply for and keep a job.
You could also do you part by establishing some clear rules in your workplace – reminding your employees that their function is to serve the customer and that appearance and behavior on the job are important.  A tough but fair boss is a godsend for young workers.

This letter makes an important point about positive personal impact.  How you look and how you act is important to not only getting a job, but to your success once you’ve landed one.  I always advise my clients to dress one level up than is required for their job.

In this case, prospective employees of this deli and grocery would make the best possible personal impact by wearing unrevealing clothes and removing their jewelry prior to going for the interview. 

Does it really matter what you wear?  Unfortunately yes.  Rightly or wrongly, people judge you by your appearance.  If you work in a store that sells food, people expect you to be clean and well groomed.  If you want to succeed – in getting or in keeping a job – it’s good to keep this in mind.

On the other hand, there are lots of jobs where piercings and tattoos are more than acceptable.  I bought my bicycle at Turin Bikes in Denver.  I also get it serviced there.  All of the bike repair people have lots of tattoos and piercings.  It’s a look that works in that environment.  In many ways, the tats and piercings actually create positive personal impact for these folks.  The same is true of the used record shop where I sometimes go to find out of print cds. 

The common sense point here is simple.  It’s important to create positive personal impact if you want to succeed in your life and career.  Your attire is one of the best ways to create positive personal impact.  If you dress one level up from what is expected of you, you will achieve that.

--

Bud Bilanich, The Common Sense Guy, is an executive coach, motivational speaker, author and blogger.  Bilanich is Harvard educated but has a no nonsense approach to his work to goes back to his roots in the steel country of Western Pennsylvania.  He is the author of Straight Talk for Success: Common Sense Ideas That Won’t Let You Down, where he presents his blueprint for career and life success. 

The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper. (Author Unknown, found online at Inspiration Peak.com.)

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®. Please visit www.sandrawalston.com.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved