As Elizabeth Edward’s new book rolls out, the biggest question in our minds is how she feels about her husband’s affair and alleged child John Edwards fathered with the other woman.  Excerpts of the book portray Elizabeth’s attitude about the affair as angry, bitter and ambivalent about her once close relationship with her husband, ex-presidential hopeful John Edwards.

My theory, The Bio Chemical Craving for Connection where stress, loss and separation causes a self medicating thrill seeking high. Every time there is stress or loss people look for ways to calm down. Adultery is a cry for help and a wake up call to fix what is really wrong.

Cheating is most common amongst powerful and well known people. The reasoning is, powerful people are more likely to take risk.  High powered individuals take risks to feel more powerful.  A risk is an adrenaline rush, the adrenaline rush is a thrill seeking way to self medicate through stress, loss and separation.  When humans experience a powerful emotional event (big loss or big gain) our brains work differently then when we are calm and rational.  When you are stressed your brain cannot compute rational thoughts appropriately.

When adultery occurs, trust and forgiveness is not enough as it will resurface again.  Adultery is a disease, such as alcoholism and should be treated as one.  We are all human and at one point in time or another, temptation may occur.  Set some boundaries in your relationship. Once you've established your boundaries, there are ways to patrol them and to minimize the threats from without and within.

IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FEELS TEMPTED:

Ask yourself what you see in the other person that you cannot or do not get from your mate. Then ask your mate whether he or she would and could meet those needs.

If the attraction is purely physical, try to imagine your target ten years older and twenty pounds heavier.

Make a list of the person's annoying habits: Biting nails or smoking. (This skips the honeymoon stage and takes you straight to the power struggle!)

Look at this negative list three times a day.

Draw up a list of the things you love about your mate.

Look at this positive list three times a day. Tell your mate what's on this love list-and encourage more of the same!

Remember: Meeting encourages cheating. If you're trying to fight an attraction to someone or you don't want to develop one-avoid the following:

1. Don't go on a pub crawl with the gang ... unless you bring your spouse. It's not for naught that most country songs about cheating take place in honkytonks and bars. Alcohol lowers inhibitions.
2. Don't lunch alone with your friend all the time, invite some others along.
3. Don't be the last to leave a party or business dinner with this person and don't offer a ride home.
4. Talk positively about your spouse to your friend. Complaints don't count — and if you both start talking about your rotten sex lives at home, you're hooked.
5. If permitted, invite your partner along to social and business functions such as overnight conventions, Christmas parties, and outings. If not, have him/her pick you up at the office, and make introductions to your special pal.

   These tips are found in the book Financial Infidelity, Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker, Make Up Don't Break Up and Adultery the Forgivable Sin.

I'm hearing from more and more of my clients that breaking up and making up is hard to do and almost impossible in this recession. I see that the almost divorced (a brush with divorce) as I call it and the emotionally divorced (still living together) are wanting to learn how to "live with the enemy" where maybe they can "fall back in love". When there is no money, that's when your relationship matters the most!

Most marriages can be saved, if couples learned language skills and dialogues to decipher the financial and emotional unspoken and clues. We now need to use connection and reconnection as a way to the heart. A brush with Divorce forces you to take stock of the financial emptiness a separation will inflict.  We need to learn that getting rid of a person doesn't get rid of a problem, you should never hide behind financial excuses.  These relationships when maintained properly can reduce our feelings of stress during these hard times.

It's a paradox- even though everything now is about money, everything isn't about money! It’s time we learned not only how to spend and save money but save our relationships!  Here are some relationship building and stress busting tips:

• Watch fun movies and laugh, laugh, laugh – Use humor.
• Stay Positive. Don't overindulge in TV about the economy
• Make Time for Physical Contact.
• The Black Tuesday exercise where you impose a no spending rule and spend the day together without spending money.
• After you have the money talk, reward yourself with fun activity, sex and touch and play.
• Money talks keep you connected and reconnected. It creates the glue in the relationship. Gives you a window into your partners soul. It helps manage expectations and emotions and unspoken fears around money with greater passion which is a stress buster.
• These talks with disarm the defensiveness, verbalize the unspoken and interpret money clues. It provide empathy, validation and clarity with a soft approach to build trust, intimacy and feel good endorphins.

We can turn financial adversity into opportunity by feeling more loved and connected, shifting our focus to our relationship for mutual enjoyment.

I’ve been thinking lately how honesty can play a part in your sex life, and how that correlation can be extrapolated out to pertain to financial honesty, as well. I believe that honesty is integral to sex, and that the converse is also true: sex is integral to honesty. Let’s take a look:

When I think of safe sex, I don’t just think of sex with protection – although that is definitely important! - I think of all the things that are necessary for a healthy, safe, relationship: Intimacy with your partner, trust in your partner and in your relationship, and commitment to each other. You can’t have all these things – what I would deem as the broader definition of “safe sex” - without having honesty in a relationship.

Honesty encompasses a lot of things, and it most definitely includes the financial aspects of a relationship. Sure, talking about money, budgets, the mortgage, bills and the like definitely isn’t sexy! Well, probably not for most people! But it’s one of those aspects that is required of a relationship that demonstrates  the values mentioned above: intimacy, trust and commitment.

Additionally, honesty in a relationship means fidelity – sexually, financially, and emotionally. I talk about putting relationships back together in my books “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin,” and Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?” and highlight the  idea that monogamy is a conscience decision. Fidelity  - in its various forms – is a decision you make to stay honest in your relationship. Fidelity, honesty, sex, and finances are all inter-connected. In a healthy relationship this can be a great thing!

Especially in tough economic times, it’s crucial for a committed couple to be on the same page financially. Even if in the past one person was responsible for the bills (or all of the financial duties) and the other didn’t pay too much attention, now is the time to get both people involved, especially if you’ve experienced an economic or financial change or shift. Financial matters concern BOTH people in a relationship, and both people should be involved in their execution!

This type of honesty – when approached correctly – will lead to a more intimate and trusting relationship, which means “safer” sex for all involved!

Attend Dr. Bonnie's One Hour Teleconference on April 20 at 7:30 PM on how
How to Survive and Thrive in Today’s Economy

Here's a side effect of the recession that you may not have been aware of: more and more couples who have been planning to separate or get divorced are putting off their plans and continuing to live under one roof. They’re doing so, naturally, for multiple, personal reasons, but studies have found it's typically either because divorce proceedings are too expensive right now, or because they can’t figure out how to split up what was once assets, and may now instead be liabilities. I call this problem “sleeping with the enemy,” and - contrary to what we may believe about that phrase - it can have a positive outcome.

For too long, divorce has been viewed - by some - as "the easy way out." Now, financial constraints are forcing people to take a second look at their relationship and hopefully in many cases they’ll be able to work out their differences. One way my seem kind of obvious, but none-the-less completely legit - sex! Heated arguments can lead to great sex and when you’re still living under the same roof, you have the opportunity to allow this to happen. This isn't necessarily healthy in all situations, but if you handle it correctly, it can often re-create the feeling you had when you had sex early on in your relationship, or it can almost create the feeling of having an affair with your own partner.

I talk about a theory I developed called the bio-chemical craving for connection, in my book Financial Infidelity. Basically, it states that we’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. This is what can lead someone into spending money behind someone’s back or conducting an illicit affair – and it’s the feeling that can be created when you’re having sex for the first time “all over again.”

On the surface, you’re in a situation that may allow you to re-create the initial feelings you had for your partner. But underneath, you’re putting your relationship back together. Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better.  I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

Attend Dr. Bonnie's One Hour Teleconference on April 27 at 7:30 PM on how
How to Survive and Thrive in Today’s Economy