I know a little bit about failure as most people do when the hit their 40s.   I had a double whammy effect of failure, though. My marriage and my company failed in the same week.   The company was a publicly held one that was well known in its time.  No, not Lehman Brothers or General Motors, but Pets.com.  And the marriage, well, that was my own private failure.  The combination sent me into a tailspin.   

I spent the next few years valiantly dog paddling in my own emotions.  I worked and socialized almost every day and to many, I seemed fine.  But when I got home, I was miserable.  I internalized my failure and identified with it.  I eventually moved on with my life and realized how much I had learned during my transition period.

Here are some tips that may help embrace your own healing and move past your failures:

1) Recognize that you and failing are not synonymous.   Resist the temptation to identify yourself with this trait.  I am not suggesting that you just shrug and walk a way from a failure.  No, take responsibility for your mistakes, just don’t integrate the emotion of failing into your being, and integrate the learning.  This is easier said than done and it may take some time before you can truly let go of the negative emotions.  But you have to do so in order to heal.

2) Give yourself time and compassion.  Failure is a death of sorts and, if it is traumatic enough, can result in true shock to the system.   Your actions may fluctuate for some time after a failure; the extremes ranging from being very regimented to behaving erratically.   Trust yourself that you will find a better balance in your life as time goes on. 

Love your craziness or your fixed routines.  Embrace them until they stop working for you and then let them go.  Do not let them rule you or define you; just let yourself be who you are in the moment.  Love the process you are going through even if it feels odd.  It is also very important to be kind to yourself and others through this time of transition.  If you are being irresponsible, then let those around you know that you need to be irresponsible for a while. 

3) Get help if you are depressed.   Depression is a normal emotion when loss occurs.  However, if you are depressed two years later, well, then something more than normal has you in its grip.   If you can afford to, see a professional during the first year of your transition.  This might help you avoid being stuck.  If you can’t afford private sessions with a therapist, talk to your family doctor.  He/she will know free clinics or other services that can help you. 

4) Exercise.  This is key to healing.  Science has proven time and time again that exercise improves your mental and physical states.   Get up and get moving.  It will change your attitude and your body.  

5) Get involved in your community.  Volunteer, go to church, attend town meetings, raise money for causes you believe in it.  Whatever you do, get out and get busy.  You will see that life has been generously and beautifully going on without you and that getting back into other life issues will help move you past your own.

Julie Wainwright’s new book is ReBoot:  My Five Life-Changing Mistakes and How I Moved On.   This book chronicles her life from rising star to her subsequent failure as CEO of Pets.com and in her marriage.  She wrote ReBoot after a blog on her website generated over 100,000 visitors with many requesting more information.