Who doesn't love a wedding? But with months and months of planning, it only lasts a short while - and then there's the marriage. If history is prologue, neither former first daughter, Chelsea Clinton, nor longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, had great role models for marital bliss. And that's even without the religious issues - she was raised Christian and he's Jewish.

This much publicized union is affirmation of America's shifting religious landscape. There has been a gradual increase in interfaith marriages over the past two decades and more than 30% U.S. households now are mixed-faith. Despite changing attitudes, it's still not easy to make marriage work.

If you or a loved one has recently tied the knot, you know that marriage constitutes a major change. Emotional reactions at times of transition are common and normal. And in making the necessary adjustments, some conflict is inevitable - all couples get angry and have arguments. Whether a marriage will last depends, in part, on how you prepare for the challenges. You'll find that some of these tips may serve you well:

1. Keep your communication open and honest. Talk out misunderstandings before they become arguments. Don't resort to low blows or get side-tracked by pointing out questionable character traits. Practice active listening skills and sending I-focused messages to clarify that what you're saying is your own opinion.

2. Use cooperation and compromise. Be direct yet flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Look at the issue from your partner's perspective and practice empathy. Ask yourself if being right and winning the fight is more important than the success of your relationship.

3. Minimize emotional overload. Flooding is a physiological arousal that is activated when tensions are high and communication stalls. If you're quarreling, state a desired outcome and stick to the subject at hand. Try not to blame your partner or get defensive, and take some responsibility for what's going on.

4. Practice non-threatening behavior. Monitor any negative comments and be slow to criticize. Try to control your emotions because your body language and tone of voice make a difference. Count to 10 before reacting - if it looks like the conversation is escalating, walk away.  

5. Agree to a time-out strategy. Before you say something you may later regret, decide to put some distance between yourselves and the problem. Plan to return to the conversation later and work out a solution. And then take a break until you're less upset and settled down enough to listen without planning a rebuttal.

6. Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Hold your breath for several seconds and release it slowly through your mouth. Repeat this several times, brushing away any distractions. Notice how focusing only on each breath can make you feel more calm.

7. Pay attention to constructive thoughts. You can turn the negatives into more positives.  For example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

8. Choose your words. In the midst of an argument, any one of these phrases would be welcomed by a partner feeling misunderstood: I might be wrong; stay with me and don’t withdraw; I see my part in all of this; let’s find common ground; I love you and we'll work this out.

9. Stay engaged. A gentle touch, eye contact or a quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

10. Build emotional dividends. If you characteristically turn toward rather than away from each other, the goodwill you accumulate can provide an emotional cushion. Maintain a reserve of shared positive feelings and you will be able to draw from this supply of affection in times of conflict.

No matter who you marry, there are bound to be all sorts of differences – family values, cultural backgrounds, socioeconomic status, religious traditions. But if you work toward understanding, each can complement and enrich the other.

Chelsea and Marc have attended family holidays together so they may have already started a discussion that includes Christmas trees and Hanukah menorahs. It is often rituals and family relationships that give faith meaning. The Clintons have raised Chelsea well and she has stood by her parents through tough times. And Chelsea is a survivor - resilient, transcendent, private, well balanced - all qualities that can only enhance a marriage that seems off to a very good start.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned." Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to discover practical tips for dealing with parents growing older & children growing up and buy our ebook, "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm."

The thought of sleep-away camp may stir up anxiety and ambivalence for you and your kids. As in any new situation there are unknowns, and it's easy to let them get the best of you. Yet camp can be a great opportunity for kids to develop their strengths, interests and independence.

And believe it or not, sleep-away camp can also be the best thing for you and your marriage. As a member of the Sandwich Generation, your life is full, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up. When was the last time you luxuriated in time alone with your partner? Here are four tips that may help you ease into the comfort and excitement of a totally adult relationship:

1. Invest in each other. In a family with active children and demanding careers, it's the marriage that usually ends up on the back burner. Make efforts to develop your relationship, just as you would any valuable asset. Feel more treasured as the emotional dividends grow.

2. Give the gift of time. Focus on each other by planning activities you'll both enjoy. Exercise together - rent a bicycle built for two or take a hike in the mountains. Be spontaneous and mysterious - surprise each other and be free with your affection. Sneak away from work and do the extraordinary - meet at a museum or enjoy a picnic in the park.

3. Act like kids and laugh a lot. In your daily routine when the kids are home you inevitably get bogged down with meals, laundry, bills. That can be stressful and boring. It's emotionally healthy to let off steam. Now you can be more fun and playful. It will force you to remember who you are at your core and remind your partner of why you fell in love.

4. Create romance and intimacy. More of this has likely been on your 'to do' list for a long time, so here's your chance to make it happen. No need now to pencil it in or make love on the run. Cook dinner together, turn on the music, light candles and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

With your kids away and more time for yourself, you may develop a new perspective. When you're not worried about their daily activities or self esteem, you realize that your protective instincts keep you on edge. And this newfound freedom can help you reevaluate your role as mother.

After all, camp is a maturing experience. When the kids return home, perhaps you'll be ready to start back on a different footing - expect them to be more responsible and do their chores without being told. With these four tips in mind, commit to nurturing yourself as well as your kids:

1. Be flexible in resolving your family issues. Negative feelings are difficult to face head-on, but the rewards can be more honesty and a renewed sense of trust. Resist holding on to resentment. Bring humor into your disagreements as you laugh together.

2. Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Adjust your antennae to be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something positive, say it out loud.

3. Work to create balance. If you are devoted to your children and to your marriage, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. Your dedication to their needs can then give you the confidence to pursue your personal goals.

4. Go for it. Once you have decided what you want for yourself, let your priorities determine what is realistic. Know that, all the while, your kids will be practicing their own self care and independence.

Time flies - summer is almost over and the new school year is right around the corner. But don't forget that sleep-away camp can be life changing for your children and for you. They will gain confidence while making new friends and developing lifelong skills - and so can you.  Embrace that thought when you're making a decision about sleep-away camp next spring.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions. Discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones and ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to buy our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm.

Wondering what all these W's have in common? They provide cases of excellent role models in sports that we can pass on to our children and grandchildren. After witnessing so many instances of poor sportsmanship over the years, it's impressive to have examples of positive behavior by athletes.

Legendary U.C.L.A. basketball coach John Wooden was known for his inspiration and motivation, on and off the court. His philosophy of life - as well as his entire persona - exemplified the values we wish to impart to our children. His style was gracious, even as he focused on creating "Competitive Greatness" in his players and in the rest of us, through his Pyramid of Success. He stressed fundamentals, teamwork and good sportsmanship, using home-grown aphorisms.

Looking back over Wooden's sayings, it's clear that they don't relate only to competitive athletes but rather to all of us who strive for a life of meaning. Some of his quotes come to mind after reviewing recent sporting events that represent more than just games. If you're looking for words of wisdom to offer your children - for sports and for life - here are some tips from Coach Wooden:

1. Do your best with determination and never give up. A grueling Wimbledon first round match lasted over 11 hours, spread over three days. The match finally ended at the 980th point, after John Isner hit a winning shot in game 183, beating Nicholas Mahut in the third set. Throughout the match, each player gave his all, putting himself, as well as the tennis ball, on the line. Perhaps they were recalling Wooden's wisdom, "The man who is afraid to risk failure seldom has to face success."

Refusing to give in to physical and mental exhaustion, both men continued to serve aces, even into the fifth set, with a record 215 between the two of them. They each stood up to the challenge and, in the process, set an example of determination for us all, reflecting Wooden's advice: "Make the effort. Do your best. The score cannot make you a loser when you do that; it cannot make you a winner if you do less." Although neither man advanced at Wimbledon after the next round, both are certainly winners.

2. Treat others with respect, be gracious in victory and in defeat. With his keen sense of moral principles, Coach Wooden would have been proud of Detroit Tiger's pitcher Armando Galarraga and umpire Jim Joyce, who prevented Galarraga from being credited with a perfect game. When umpire Joyce incorrectly called the runner at first base 'safe,' Galarraga accepted the call stoically although, if correctly called an out, it would have earned him a rare perfect game in the record books.

When Joyce realized his mistake, he took responsibility for it and immediately went to apologize to Galarraga, who accepted with dignity and grace. Both men reflected the high ideals expressed by Wooden, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." It may not have been an official perfect game, but these two men were perfect role models about what sports figures can teach our children - and us - about civility, honesty and good sportsmanship.

3. Preparation, practice, hard work and collaboration are integral parts of any success, whether in sports or in life. As Coach was fond of saying, "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail." After years of training, the Spanish national soccer players relied on teamwork to score on their opponents, winning the World Cup for the first time.

What lessons can the millions of children who play soccer across the world take from these championship games? That individual effort as well as teamwork is required to overcome wrong calls and bring about a triumph. Working together over months, even years, creates the energy a team needs to score, providing the counterbalance to Wooden's caveat, "Goals achieved with little effort are seldom worthwhile or lasting."

4. You can be a winner without being ruthless. John Wooden encouraged his players to be good citizens - on the court and in the world. He told them, "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." And he warned them about letting their successes go to their heads, saying, "Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful."

Can these sound bites form a solid foundation for some of the lessons you want to impart to your own children? Sports figures can serve as role models and set the tone for your own parenting. Even if you and your kids are not world-class tennis, soccer, baseball or basketball players, you can improve your game and your lives by using these W's as inspiration. Play on! 

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to discover practical tips for dealing with parents growing older & children growing up and to learn about our ebook, "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm." Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."

This week marks a year since Michael Jackson died. After his untimely death, a major focus was on the future of his children: Prince, Paris, and 'Blanket.' According to Jackson's will, his mother was to raise them - and the judge granted her permanent custody. All the while, pundits were busy predicting who would really take care of them.

The number of boomer grandparents assuming care and financial responsibility for grandchildren continues to increase. Statistics show that over 2.9 million grandparents are raising more than 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in families that involve a habitual drug user, a single parent or one with a chronic illness.

Despite the superstar status of the Jackson family, there is something quintessentially human and familiar about them. Haven't each of us, as a result of death or divorce, had a complicated situation in our own family? If you're caught up in the middle of a painful tragedy or complex crisis, here are some ideas to consider as you begin to take better care of your grandchildren and yourself:

1. Do what you can to maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the children's environment with a familiar routine, they'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure. Children are resilient. As you consistently model hopeful thinking and positive actions, they are bound to thrive.

2. Accept the changes in the family, whatever they are, even if you're in the crossfire. Validate the children's feelings and withhold blame regarding their parents. While you're showing support, try not to take a particular side or excuse bad behavior. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate concerns and needs of the children.

3. It is necessary to mourn what you have lost. In divorce, it may be the dreams you had for the future. In death, the sadness about not having the loved one as a part of your life. As you work to communicate openly, all of you can feel safe enough to talk and grieve together.

4. Protect the children from the comments of others. Whether the absent parent's behavior stemmed from a serious emotional problem or a hunger deep inside, now you can shield the children from its impact. Focus on your relationship with them and build trust so that they'll feel more accepted, nurtured and confident.

5. There will be a huge void to fill and you may be confused about your role now. Don't be afraid to see a family therapist, child psychologist or parenting coach. Understanding your particular circumstances and learning new skills can make a big difference the second time around. And talking with an expert with an objective perspective can truly be a lifesaver.

While Michael Jackson was alive, a main priority was to protect his privacy and his children. And their grandmother has had their best interests at heart, knowing their pain in losing the only parent they knew. Without a lot of fanfare, she has made a coordinated effort to bring stability to the children's lives.

In accepting Michael's posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award last January, Prince choked up while thanking fans for their support since his dad's death. And Paris spoke about her love for her dad. What little information the media has received about the family this year – and that's a good thing for the Jackson children - makes you think that they're all doing the best they can.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, "Stepping Stones," and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."

Have you noticed that your kids are becoming more attached than ever to television, video games and texting? And the season doesn't seem to matter. During summer, with more free time and fewer structured activities, it's easy to turn to electronics for stimulation. In winter, the shorter daylight hours and long, dark evenings allow less time for outdoor play.

The latest Nielsen figures indicate that children are watching more TV than ever, and ages 2 to 5 watch more than 32 hours a week. While television time for children aged 6 to 11 drops slightly, due to school hours, it's still over 28 hours a week. That is, on the average, more than 4 hours a day. These numbers include VCR and game console usage but not time on the computer or playing hand-held video games.

Are you concerned about these staggering numbers? Child healthcare advocates certainly are. They warn that this increased television watching may be linked to two significant childhood issues: obesity and delayed language development. For the past decade, parents thought that educational baby videos would help their infants develop language skills but, instead, studies found that infants who watch these kinds of videos actually learn fewer vocabulary words than those who don't.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of quality TV and videos for children older than 2 years and none for those below that age. What can you do, as a parent, to wean your children from excess hours of television and video games? Here are 6 tips to get you started as you craft a plan that works for your family.

1. It's not a simple process, but you can start by talking about why it's important to reduce your kids' electronic screen time. Help them see that watching less TV is not a punishment, but rather an important part of their growth. Convince them to buy into the value of unplugging, and you can all brainstorm together about other stimulating activities.

2. If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, single parent or working mother, you're likely already stressed by all the responsibility and may be tempted to use television as a baby sitter. Instead, encourage your children to help you while you are doing chores around the house - bring them into the kitchen to make dinner, let them fold their own laundry, create a game to see who can straighten up faster. Talk with your kids while you're doing your tasks and make them a part of the process.

3. Set aside time for them to play outside with their friends. Learn more about afterschool activities in which your kids can participate - at school, in your local community center, at the park. Check into summer reading competitions at your local library. Even with cutbacks due to the poor economic climate, you can find available creative and physical outlets.

4. Encourage your children to read instead of watching television or playing video games. With young children, read to them at night before bedtime. Think about how you can make reading more interactive and interesting for your older kids. Set an example - have a good book of your own handy so that you can sit down with them and read together. Help set up a children's book club for them and their friends.

5. Be a positive role model. Try not to leave the TV on as a background noise or a distraction. And don't watch TV yourself just to fill the time. When you watch only a few particular and favorite shows, your kids will better understand the restrictions you set for them.

6. Include your children in planning which shows they will watch and when. Remind them to limit their screen time to only the specific ones they have chosen. Set the amount of time they can play video games, hand-held or on the TV - perhaps specify days or times for this activity. Make up a chart so they can plan for the week. And have them be accountable by filling in the times they have watched.

7. Set family rules about what is and is not acceptable in terms of TV and video game usage. Let your kids know that you plan to be consistent in enforcing them. You can even buy a TV/video game time management tool that allows you to implement the time limits you have set with your children.

You may find that, as in any dramatic change, it takes many baby steps to change your kids' television viewing habits and video game-playing. When you feel overwhelmed by the thought of unplugging them and limiting their screen time, remind yourself that it is a process. Celebrate the progress that you're  making to create a richer and more interactive environment for your children.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Are you dreading Mother's Day again this year and worrying about what to do for your mom? Perhaps you have never been close or are now estranged and feeling angry. Have you cut the mother-daughter ties and ignore the day, but remain resentful and sad? Or do you pretend everything is OK and give her a gift anyway? Even though the media lead us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers and chocolates, if you don't have a good relationship, this 'special' day can be agonizing.

Not all mothers are lovable. In fact, there are those who are hurtful, critical and even destructive. These heartbreaking truths can be related to your mom's severe psychopathology or a character disorder, her painful life circumstances or personal crisis. Maybe your mother is narcissistic, bipolar or suffers from alcohol or drug dependency. And you very well may have vivid memories of physical abuse or emotional neglect.

Are you fed up with trying to win her approval and be accepted for who you are? Or sick and tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself, on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

  1. Let go of the dream of having a loving mother and a relationship that is emotionally healthy. It's not easy to face the fact that your mom is self absorbed and has serious problems - or to fully acknowledge your pain in not having a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, stand up and step back. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her. And begin to protect, nurture and mother yourself. 

  2. Feel more empowered as you practice self love. Make a list of all that you have achieved without the support of parental encouragement and assistance. Realize that these assets belong to you and you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You will come to know that you are not defined by your mom, but by what you envision yourself to be.

  3. Focus on the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's actions or attitude may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family of your own and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

  4. Be clear about what you're willing to do. Perhaps your mother is older and still has unreasonable expectations of you yet doesn't value what you do for her. What you get in return may be criticism, arguments or tantrums. Try your best to stick to your rules by writing a list of what you will tolerate. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Maintain firm boundaries as you handle these challenges. Some women have to work it out by walking away.

  5. Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands - or even realistic ones that you can't meet because of how you feel or other commitments. You can create a more balanced sense of wellbeing by setting limits, especially if your mother is verbally abusive. You don't have to continue to identify with the role of the victim. Although you may not be able to change what happens to you, you can change how you handle it. Consider the possibility of seeing a therapist. Learning how to self soothe and manage your moods will help you feel more in control of your life.

As you continue to work on getting what you need and want, think about the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have been incredibly damaging, making it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is and what she did to you doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, "Stepping Stones," and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."

Have you found this article by surfing the Internet for topics of interest? Or responded to a Google Alert about a subject that concerns you - brainpower, aging parents, growing children, nourishing relationships, family conflicts, Sandwiched Boomers? If so, congratulations, you're boosting the performance of your brain! 

According to a recent study, a team of UCLA scientists found that middle aged and older adults who search the Internet, using the web on a regular basis, activate brain centers necessary for complex reasoning and decision-making. Exercising the brain in this way - making decisions about what to click on to continue the search - engages brain circuit connections and improves mental functioning.

During an assigned Internet search, study participants with considerable online experience sparked two times as much brain activity on MRI scans as those with little prior web experience. The MRI indicated more brain activity was engaged during the Internet search than during a book-reading task. When the less web-savvy volunteers completed online searches at home, their MRI scans two weeks later indicated brain activation patterns similar to the more experienced volunteers. So, take heart - enjoy the Internet and let your brain light up!         

Have you been thinking about additional ways to maintain your mental vitality? Use your creativity as you plan new ways to challenge your brain cells. Here are 7 tips to follow as you exercise your brain to keep it active and dynamic:

1. Exercise your brain with mental aerobics just as you do your body. The Seattle Longitudinal Study found that 66% of older Americans doing brain exercise activities had significant cognitive improvement. Learning new skills increases the number of neural connections in the brain and keeps them firing. 

2. Explore new areas and interests. Have you wanted to learn to play the piano? Take Spanish or study computer graphics? Check out your neighborhood center, school district or extension courses at a college or university near you. Traveling to new places? Surf the web for information about educational travel in America and throughout the world. 

3. Play word or number games and do crossword or jigsaw puzzles to keep your mind sharp. Researchers believe that these kinds of mental challenges and 'disorienting dilemmas' build new neural pathways that help buffer the brain against age-related losses. Injecting novelty into your everyday tasks can have a similar affect. For example, use your non-dominant hand for brushing your teeth, rearrange the furniture in your rooms or carry out activities blindfolded.

(Watch this video on "plasticity" and what happens when you stretch your mind.)

4. A U.C.L.A. geriatric psychiatrist has developed a technique for improving memory and learning new information. First, actively observe what you want to learn; next, create mental snapshots of your memories; finally, link your mental snapshots together. This technique can help you remember information ranging from the names of new people you meet to where you parked your car or left your keys.

5. Develop your creative talents. Scientists have found that, as you challenge yourself to look at things in a new way and try novel behaviors, you exercise important parts of your brain. Women in their middle years have taken up a wide range of creative activities such as painting, acting, writing poetry, photography, making jewelry.

6. And don't forget that physical activity helps keep your mental powers sharper too. Plan your schedule so that you can participate regularly. Choose an activity that you enjoy and find engaging - walking with a friend, working out at the gym, biking with your partner. A daily brisk 20 to 30 minute walk will allow you to feel better emotionally and think more clearly. 

7. Increase your physical activities and include aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Fast walking, jogging, dancing, biking or climbing stairs are all good. Studies at Columbia University indicate that aerobic exercise brings more blood and oxygen to your brain cells, encouraging the growth of new nerve cells and connections between them. Improve your mood, control your weight and protect yourself against cognitive loss, all at the same time.

As you incorporate these brain exercises into your daily routine, you'll notice you are becoming more alert and engaged. Let your creativity be a guide and generate additional innovative techniques for adding to your brain power. The world - virtual and concrete - is wide open to you, so jump on and enjoy the ride.  

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com for our free e-book and practical tips about parents growing older and children growing up.

Now that we're well into 2010, how are you doing with your New Year's resolutions? Setting goals in the love department is just as important as losing weight or getting your finances in shape. So even though you may already be working on other resolutions, don't put your relationship on the back burner.

Instead of accentuating the positives, the advice from couples' research often focuses on minimizing the negatives - don't nag, don't withhold sex, don't overreact, don't try to control. But why not focus your love resolutions on the do's instead of don'ts? Positive emotions can open you up to new possibilities.  So, if you want to actively enrich your love relationship, here are some tips on how to go about it:

1. Express your gratitude often.  Remembering to thank your partner may sound overly simplistic, but it can help bring to mind their good qualities. Compliments serve as positive reinforcements at the very times when you may be taking each other for granted.

2. Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness is often one of the first casualties of a busy and hectic family life. Keep fun alive by joking around or using pet names with your partner. Making time to be playful with each other can often lead to greater intimacy.

3. Compromise works in most conflicts. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve a conflict more easily and quickly.

4. Stay connected. A gentle touch or a quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

5. Celebrate good times. Respond enthusiastically when something positive happens to your partner. Make the most of it by asking relevant questions and being complimentary. Studies have found that celebrating positive events predicts greater relationship satisfaction than commiserating over negative ones.

6. Pay attention to you. Investing in your own happiness will take the pressure off the relationship as the main source of your wellbeing. Take positive action in your own life. You'll have a better attitude, be more interesting to your partner, and your relationship will reap the dividends.

7. Stay engaged. It's easy to get stuck in a routine, operate on automatic and not notice the changes going on around you. Paying attention to what's different about your partner may surprise you, as well as help to increase your attraction, motivation and connection.

8. Bring out the best in each other. Studies show that when partners more closely resemble each other's ideal selves, they fare better as a couple. List your personal goals and the qualities you like most in your significant other. Chances are there's an overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner that you appreciate the most.

Changes in relationships are like personal changes - to be successful long term, you need a clear idea of what you want and a good reason to keep going. Although improving your partnership may seem overwhelming sometimes, it's really the little things that matter. Expensive gifts and exotic trips are nice, but they're not as meaningful in the long run as simple acts of gratitude and kindness. Long after you've opened the last present or downloaded the vacation photos, that reservoir of goodwill will keep nourishing your relationship. Commit to sustaining your 2010 love resolutions – you won't regret it.

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com for our free e-book and practical tips about parents growing older and children growing up.

Raising children has never been easy, but some parents think it's even harder today. They have always had to deal with providing - food, clothing and shelter as well as a supportive and loving environment where their offspring can grow to their full potential. Today, in addition, mom and dad are faced with handling the stresses of an unstable economy and volatile social situations. And youngsters often feel the worries we feel as well. 

A recent study, conducted by Harris Interactive, and reported by the American Psychological Association, found that 75% of American adults are experiencing moderate to high levels of stress. For the first time, youth between the ages of 8 and 17 were included in the survey, and APA found that these preteens and teenagers are worrying too - and in greater numbers than their parents estimate. The survey found that children are experiencing their greatest worries about school and their family's finances.

So what can you do to make it easier for your kids? Here are 7 tips to help you get started:

1. Don't try to hide your concerns from your children - you really can't anyway. They pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their years and abilities to handle them.

2. As you all come face to face with your fears, keep the lines of communication open. Talk with your kids about their worries and let them know how you are handling yours. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can all begin to cope with them.

3. When you begin to take action about the pressures, your children will feel comforted. Let them know you are capable of working together as a family to decrease the tensions you face. You may not be able to eliminate the anxiety everyone is experiencing, but you can make efforts to reduce it.

4. Help your children come up with a specific plan to address their concerns. Model for them how to create a strategy with a long-term goal and attainable short-term objectives to accomplish along the way. Remind them to create a Plan B to use when unavoidable obstacles arise.

5. Schedule stress reducing activities for your children and yourself. Physical activities will help decrease the levels of anxiety and depression you all may be experiencing. And even young children can be taught deep breathing exercises that bring about a greater sense of relaxation.

6. Work on having a more positive outlook. Think about what good can come out of the situation - maybe a greater degree of family solidarity and closeness. Encourage your children to be aware of and develop their internal strengths. And direct your focus to the light at the end of the tunnel.

7. Pay attention to unhealthy behaviors your kids may be exhibiting. If their actions involve excessive acting out, frequent conflicts, avoidant activities or the use of drugs or alcohol, they may be depressed. If these dysfunctional behaviors continue, consult a professional counselor trained to work with children.

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, stressed by the poor economy as well as your family in flux, you may feel torn between the responsibilities of caring for your children and aging parents at the same time. Yet you'll find that, when you let your children know you are there for them with support and encouragement, the entire family benefits. When you help your kids with their stress levels, yours will settle down too - so it's a win-win for everyone.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, for practical tips on how to deal with your parents growing older and children growing up.

Just hours after learning that her mother had died of a sudden massive heart attack, Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette was back on the ice. One of the favorites to win an Olympic medal, she practiced her jumps over and over again while her father watched with tears in his eyes.

Joannie's fellow athletes concurred that she was doing the right thing by staying in the competition. They spoke about her inner strength, remarkable courage and determined attitude. Fans around the world appreciated that, with a heavy heart, she was facing the most difficult skates of her life. If, like Joannie Rochette, you are in shock or have been numbed by an unexpected loss, what follows are some tips that may help you begin to turn your upside down world right again:

   1. Take control of what is within your reach. Joannie had the drive to win for her mom. She kept herself emotionally insulated, and the fact that she's a superior athlete helped her succeed. You, too, can keep going, no matter how hard it is. Identify your strengths and make them work for you. And have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't.

   2. Relish the support that comes from those who care about you. Joannie's loss resonated for athletes and fans alike. And everyone in the Pacific Coliseum was cheering her on. She said that all the love and support made it easier to give her best. Recognize that family and friends want to see you succeed and will be there to help sustain you. You can also find comfort in your spiritual community, a therapist or a bereavement group. You don't have to do it all alone - make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it.

   3. Face your uncertainty with the best attitude you can muster. Despite the unthinkable, Joannie still maintained a single-minded focus in the skating competition. And now she will be able to grieve her loss. You can't change what has happened but you can have some control over the way you handle it. Of course, you may be feeling angry, sad or afraid of what is to come. Be aware that your reactions are normal and common. And try to face them directly as you work through your feelings.
 
   4. Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Joannie's exquisite performances, and the standing ovations, said it all. You can tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will motivate you. The initial goal is to uncover the courage to begin. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. Set new long range goals and short term objectives. Enlist your staying power. Your positive experiences will give you the incentive to continue. Although there may be stumbling blocks along the way, never give up.

   5. Listen to others but primarily rely on your own instincts. Joannie believed in what she was doing and concentrated on the competition. She felt that she was where she belonged. That's what her mother would have wanted her to do. What's familiar can be calming - have faith in what you’re doing to heal. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can be an opportunity and serve as an invitation to grow. 

   6. Increase your capacity to be resilient. It must have been extremely difficult for Joannie to maintain her composure and grace under these circumstances. Just as she has, take it one day at a time. Begin to develop strategies to manage stress and release tension. And you can call on your faith or spirituality. Step by step, you'll be able to turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

In both programs, with not much sleep or energy, Joannie hit the ice with determination. She proceeded to skate what turned out to be her personal best during the most trying time of her life. She felt as if her mother was there helping her. Skating through her emotional pain, she won the bronze medal. Joannie was stunning on the podium - responding to the cheers of the crowd, smiling as she wiped away the tears. Hers was a symbol of a poignant victory and she touched the emotions of people across the globe.

In the news conference, Joannie repeated that her mother was her greatest fan and her death a monumental loss. Just like for her, you may feel that you're standing alone on the biggest stage you've ever been on, carrying the weight of losing your very foundation. But you too can get back on the ice and skate like you never have before.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com for our free e-book and practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.