Raising children has never been easy, but some parents think it's even harder today. They have always had to deal with providing - food, clothing and shelter as well as a supportive and loving environment where their offspring can grow to their full potential. Today, in addition, mom and dad are faced with handling the stresses of an unstable economy and volatile social situations. And youngsters often feel the worries we feel as well. 

A recent study, conducted by Harris Interactive, and reported by the American Psychological Association, found that 75% of American adults are experiencing moderate to high levels of stress. For the first time, youth between the ages of 8 and 17 were included in the survey, and APA found that these preteens and teenagers are worrying too - and in greater numbers than their parents estimate. The survey found that children are experiencing their greatest worries about school and their family's finances.

So what can you do to make it easier for your kids? Here are 7 tips to help you get started:

1. Don't try to hide your concerns from your children - you really can't anyway. They pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their years and abilities to handle them.

2. As you all come face to face with your fears, keep the lines of communication open. Talk with your kids about their worries and let them know how you are handling yours. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can all begin to cope with them.

3. When you begin to take action about the pressures, your children will feel comforted. Let them know you are capable of working together as a family to decrease the tensions you face. You may not be able to eliminate the anxiety everyone is experiencing, but you can make efforts to reduce it.

4. Help your children come up with a specific plan to address their concerns. Model for them how to create a strategy with a long-term goal and attainable short-term objectives to accomplish along the way. Remind them to create a Plan B to use when unavoidable obstacles arise.

5. Schedule stress reducing activities for your children and yourself. Physical activities will help decrease the levels of anxiety and depression you all may be experiencing. And even young children can be taught deep breathing exercises that bring about a greater sense of relaxation.

6. Work on having a more positive outlook. Think about what good can come out of the situation - maybe a greater degree of family solidarity and closeness. Encourage your children to be aware of and develop their internal strengths. And direct your focus to the light at the end of the tunnel.

7. Pay attention to unhealthy behaviors your kids may be exhibiting. If their actions involve excessive acting out, frequent conflicts, avoidant activities or the use of drugs or alcohol, they may be depressed. If these dysfunctional behaviors continue, consult a professional counselor trained to work with children.

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, stressed by the poor economy as well as your family in flux, you may feel torn between the responsibilities of caring for your children and aging parents at the same time. Yet you'll find that, when you let your children know you are there for them with support and encouragement, the entire family benefits. When you help your kids with their stress levels, yours will settle down too - so it's a win-win for everyone.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, for practical tips on how to deal with your parents growing older and children growing up.

Just hours after learning that her mother had died of a sudden massive heart attack, Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette was back on the ice. One of the favorites to win an Olympic medal, she practiced her jumps over and over again while her father watched with tears in his eyes.

Joannie's fellow athletes concurred that she was doing the right thing by staying in the competition. They spoke about her inner strength, remarkable courage and determined attitude. Fans around the world appreciated that, with a heavy heart, she was facing the most difficult skates of her life. If, like Joannie Rochette, you are in shock or have been numbed by an unexpected loss, what follows are some tips that may help you begin to turn your upside down world right again:

   1. Take control of what is within your reach. Joannie had the drive to win for her mom. She kept herself emotionally insulated, and the fact that she's a superior athlete helped her succeed. You, too, can keep going, no matter how hard it is. Identify your strengths and make them work for you. And have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't.

   2. Relish the support that comes from those who care about you. Joannie's loss resonated for athletes and fans alike. And everyone in the Pacific Coliseum was cheering her on. She said that all the love and support made it easier to give her best. Recognize that family and friends want to see you succeed and will be there to help sustain you. You can also find comfort in your spiritual community, a therapist or a bereavement group. You don't have to do it all alone - make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it.

   3. Face your uncertainty with the best attitude you can muster. Despite the unthinkable, Joannie still maintained a single-minded focus in the skating competition. And now she will be able to grieve her loss. You can't change what has happened but you can have some control over the way you handle it. Of course, you may be feeling angry, sad or afraid of what is to come. Be aware that your reactions are normal and common. And try to face them directly as you work through your feelings.
 
   4. Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Joannie's exquisite performances, and the standing ovations, said it all. You can tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will motivate you. The initial goal is to uncover the courage to begin. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. Set new long range goals and short term objectives. Enlist your staying power. Your positive experiences will give you the incentive to continue. Although there may be stumbling blocks along the way, never give up.

   5. Listen to others but primarily rely on your own instincts. Joannie believed in what she was doing and concentrated on the competition. She felt that she was where she belonged. That's what her mother would have wanted her to do. What's familiar can be calming - have faith in what you’re doing to heal. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can be an opportunity and serve as an invitation to grow. 

   6. Increase your capacity to be resilient. It must have been extremely difficult for Joannie to maintain her composure and grace under these circumstances. Just as she has, take it one day at a time. Begin to develop strategies to manage stress and release tension. And you can call on your faith or spirituality. Step by step, you'll be able to turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

In both programs, with not much sleep or energy, Joannie hit the ice with determination. She proceeded to skate what turned out to be her personal best during the most trying time of her life. She felt as if her mother was there helping her. Skating through her emotional pain, she won the bronze medal. Joannie was stunning on the podium - responding to the cheers of the crowd, smiling as she wiped away the tears. Hers was a symbol of a poignant victory and she touched the emotions of people across the globe.

In the news conference, Joannie repeated that her mother was her greatest fan and her death a monumental loss. Just like for her, you may feel that you're standing alone on the biggest stage you've ever been on, carrying the weight of losing your very foundation. But you too can get back on the ice and skate like you never have before.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, , and blog,   for practical tips on how to deal with your parents growing older and children growing up.http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.comhttp://www.HerMentorCenter.com

Ever since the first modern Olympic games were held in 1896, athletes have worked hard to 'go for the gold.' Baron Pierre de Coubertin brought the ancient Greek Olympiad back to life to recreate the ideals of physical, mental and spiritual excellence demonstrated by the competitors there. This year, the athletes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver continue this tradition. They're training long hours, maintaining a positive attitude, and overcoming their fears - all in an attempt to accomplish their personal best.

Although you may not be vying for any medals, you can learn about triumphing over worry from the stories of athletes around the world. Here are 8 obstacles to consider as you map out your own personal strategy for success. 

1. Overcome fear of failure. For some, failure signifies humiliation and the loss of self-esteem. But when the goal is to perform to the best of your ability, you can feel good about yourself even when you don't come in first place. As Coubertain stated in the Olympic creed, "The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." Stay focused on your growth and the steps you take, not the outcome. Canadian skier Alexandre Bilodeau personified this ideal. He envisioned his courageous brother as a role model and, in the process, won the gold medal in moguls.
2. Overcome fear of success. Does thinking about what might happen, after you actually achieve a victory, stop you in your tracks? Or do you worry that you won't meet others' high expectations of you once you win? Believing you must perform perfectly sometimes stands in the way of achieving your goal. U. S. figure skater Evan Lysacek had to deal with this stress at the Olympics, admitting, "I did have some extra pressure coming in as the reigning world champion." He rose to the occasion and skated with passion and skill, winning the gold medal and savoring the experience.  
3. Overcome fear of competition. Performance anxiety is a common and familiar phobia. Speed skater Apolo Ohno is no stranger to competition, having conquered his own fears and becoming a champion, on both the short-track and the dance floor. Entering many races, he has already beaten the record for the most U.S. medals in the Winter Games. Ohno doesn't always win, but he strives to perform to the best of his ability each time he competes. To overcome stage fright, there are many techniques you can employ: put the competition into perspective; do deep breathing and relaxation exercises; concentrate on your own actions, not those around you; practice, practice, practice.    
4. Overcome fear of sacrifice. After 46 years of consistently taking the gold medal in pairs figure skating, Russia/U.S.S.R. was finally shut out from the podium. How did China's Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo manage such a feat? They endured considerable sacrifice along the way. The oldest skaters in Vancouver, they have been together for 18 years, married for the past three. After victories despite numerous injuries, they retired in 2007. But two years later, they put their marriage vows and personal life on hold in order to retrain, living in the athletes' dorms as they worked to fulfill their dreams of Olympic gold. As you set important goals for yourself, recognize that you too may need to give up some pleasures along the way.     
5. Overcome fear of risks. In order to succeed as Olympiads, athletes need to conquer their fear of the unknown and go for the gold anyway. According to Canadian hockey great Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Snowboarder Shaun White understands taking measured risks and won the men's halfpipe gold medal by hard work and his readiness to take chances. Although he had already won after his first run, he chose to attempt his difficult, signature moves in a second run. Exuberant after accomplishing his 'Double McTwist 1260,' he said, "I have fun, I have dreams, I have goals, and I'm just now trying to do them." After your own preparation, outline the risks you're comfortable taking and then follow through with gusto. 
6. Overcome fear of change. With poor weather conditions in Vancouver, many events were postponed, throwing off schedules. Athletes had to mentally adjust to these shifts and still be ready to compete. One athlete who initiated her own change was figure skater Yuko Kawaguchi. She gave up her Japanese citizenship and moved to Russia to be trained by legendary coach, Tamara Moskvina. Although not medaling at the Games, she lived her dedication to her sport by her move. When you are forced to modify your own original strategy, don't hesitate to put your Plan B into action. It just might be a winner.      
7. Overcome fear of pain. Downhill skier Lindsey Vonn severely bruised her shin during training last month and feared it might prevent her from competing in the Olympics. But she tried anyway, saying before the race, "It's tough…I know what I have to do. I know how to ski. It's just fighting the pain." And fight it she did, winning the gold medal in the women's downhill. After, she commented on her efforts, "Nothing comes for free." You may have your own pain - physical or emotional - to work through as you pursue your goals. Keep in mind the determination you need to succeed as you struggle to prevail.   
8. Overcome fear of pleasure. Lindsey Jacobellis skid off course in the snowboard cross semi-finals, once more loosing a chance at a medal. After her initial frustration, she shared her thoughts with reporters, "I still can have fun in some way. I just felt like doing a nice, fun truck-driver grab, that's the spirit that it is." Other competitive snowboarders agreed with her attitude. Nate Holland commented, "It's not always about winning. It's about fun, style, showing your stuff." And Nick Baumbartner explained, "It's not about the finish…it's all about the journey. It's all about taking the wild ride." So, even when you're in the midst of a competition of your own, don't forget to enjoy the process and have fun.

As you learn from the athletes of the winter Olympics and overcome your own fears, remember that 'you can't score if you don't take a shot.' Rely on your courage, endurance and sense of fair play as you meet your challenges and achieve success. You may not receive a gold medal but you can be a winner just the same.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Days after a 7.0 earthquake devastated Port-au-Prince, the capital city of Haiti, family members battled for a proper burial of their loved ones. Time and again, tragedy followed moments of hope. Yet, despite the deaths and destruction, the people struggled to survive. And hundreds took to the streets, singing and chanting amid huge mounds of rubble - a clear sign of the resilience of the human spirit.

While not in such desperate circumstances, perhaps you too have suffered the death of a loved one. Although you may want the pain to go away, in order to heal you must experience the feelings of loss. First, try to create an inner resource that calms you. Imagine a caring person in your life who comforts you when you're hurting - you don’t have to be totally alone with these feelings.

If your life seems unnaturally quiet, seek out the support of family and friends as you move into this next part of your life. Take your time and don't be rushed by others. You know yourself best – and eventually you'll, once again, do the things you love. In the meantime, here are some ideas that can help you begin to heal:

1. Free yourself from a negative outlook. Although you can't change what has happened, you can have some control over how you handle it. Face your uncertainty with the most positive attitude you can muster. You may be feeling angry, sad or afraid of what is to come. Recognize that your reactions are normal and common. Face them directly as you work through your feelings.

2. Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will keep you motivated. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. Set new long range goals and short term objectives. Commit to a process of change, and then move forward, one small step at a time.

3. Primarily rely on your own instincts.  Believe in what you’re doing to heal. Maintain firm boundaries to protect yourself and talk honestly about how you feel. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can become an opportunity - it serves as an invitation to grow.

4. Take control of what is within your reach. Have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't. You can keep your emotions in check by tuning in to what is best for you. And, recognize that you can get support from family, friends, a therapist or a bereavement group. You don't have to do it all alone - make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it.

5. Solitude itself provides a chance to emotionally revitalize. Rejuvenate your spirits with whatever works - listen to music that stirs your soul or curl up with a book that engages your fantasies. Work to feel more positive through a meditation or yoga practice.  Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is still good in your life.

6.  Increase your capacity to be resilient. It's not easy to maintain your sense of optimism under these circumstances. But you can recover after a crisis or still thrive in the face of adversity. Call on your faith or spirituality. Develop strategies to manage stress and release tension through relaxation exercises. You may find that you have deeper reserves of courage than you realize.

                          
The world is responding to the havoc the Haitian earthquake has created - even a group of homeless people in Philadelphia has donated goods to the homeless of Haiti. Although wounded children call for missing parents, there is still singing well into the night in large tent camps that people now call home. Doctors are delivering babies, orphans are joining their new families in the United States, supplies and donations are still pouring in and volunteers are doing the best they can in difficult circumstances.

Paraphrasing former President Bill Clinton, in order for the recovery in Haiti to continue, we need to stay involved in the long run. Take his advice about your own recovery. Blessings can come out of tragedies. Practice generativity or guiding the next generation, and you will continue to heal as you honor your memories. Give back to the community by volunteering for a cause that was important to your loved one. Find your spirit of idealism - reach out to someone who is alone or make a contribution to those less fortunate. Change society for the better and you'll gradually transform yourself.  

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

 Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

The news about the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti is heartbreaking and the vivid pictures tragic. As in grieving any loss, the people of Haiti have been experiencing a wide range of emotions. Initially, many were grateful for surviving the catastrophe. But now they are dealing with the realities of all they have lost – family, friends, shelter, food, clean water and a sense of security. And feelings of shock are giving way to disappointment and anger that relief efforts are so slow.

When you see the degree of devastation, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Catastrophes such as earthquakes, floods, tsunamis and hurricanes are magnified by the 24/7 coverage by cable and Internet news services, leaving many feeling anxious, stressed and emotionally exhausted. Though out of harm’s way themselves, viewers experience stress and anxiety when faced with these kinds of uncontrollable situations. In fact, a recent national health survey found that 75% of the general population experiences at least some stress every two weeks, with half of these rated at moderate or high levels.

When others confront the violent forces of nature, you can bring some control to the event - and to your own feelings - by your actions and reactions. You may be feeling anxious because of natural disasters such as the earthquake in Haiti, the economic meltdown or security fears brought on by acts of terrorism. Whatever the reason for your high level of stress, here are 8 strategies for easing your stress levels and reducing your anxiety:

1. Talk about your thoughts and feelings with family and friends and reach out to others in your support system. Be open to asking for help and validation of your emotions. You may want to consult a professional counselor for a non-judgmental ear and help in sorting out your concerns. Start a journal to aid in the process of coping with your anxiety.

2. Maintain balance in your life between personal needs, work and your family obligations. Don't over commit yourself even as you retain a normal routine. If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, plan to carve out some special time for yourself even in the midst of caring for your growing children and aging parents. Remember to be open to the healing effects of laughter.

3. Exercise moderately several times a week. Find an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking with friends, keeping fit through dance or yoga classes, training at the gym. Get enough rest and sleep to allow your body to recover from the stresses of the day.

4. Eat sensibly, following a balanced diet of healthy foods rich in nutrition that serve as a natural defense against stress. Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and limit your use of sugar, caffeine and cigarettes as they can contribute to your agitation.  

5. Use relaxation techniques. Set aside time for a regular routine of deep breathing, guided imagery, meditation, or other stress reduction methods to alleviate your feelings of anxiety. Decide to put off worrying - much of what you may fear never actually happens anyway. 

6. Focus on what you can control in your life and what you can accomplish, not what you can't. Let go of negative thoughts and unrealistic expectations. While you often can't influence circumstances, you can control how you handle them. Clearly define your goals or aspirations and keep focused on them. Make something positive come out of a negative situation just as people across the world did in providing aid to Haiti after the devastating earthquake there.

7. Draw on your strengths. Use those you have relied on in the past as well as those you have developed more recently. Brainstorm new ways to apply the abilities you have in a novel way as you create new opportunities for yourself.

8. Be patient with yourself. Know that you will recover balance and serenity at your own pace. As long as you keep moving forward, you will eventually reach your destination. 

Americans, and others across the world, have been offering aid to the people of Haiti at an unprecedented rate. But the recovery, both physical and emotional, will take a long time. Support is valuable to begin the process of rebuilding body and spirit in the Haitian community and restoring hope as you cope with your own feelings of stress and anxiety.

 © 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

Valentine's Day is a romantic time for couples - a special day to express love. But it can also put pressure on people who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. Are you one of the millions of singles who is lonely on this day? Feeling alienated or insecure may leave you depressed - and worried that you don't have the energy or motivation to do what is in your best interests.

But you don't have to react like that. Although you can't control whether or not you have a romantic attachment at this time, you can control how you handle Valentine's Day. Follow these 10 tips and you can put this one day a year in perspective and take your stress level down a notch:

1. Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

2. Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

3. Pay attention to the positives in your relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

4. Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your opinions and needs so that they have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

5. Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan - organize a potluck dinner, a hike in the hills or a barbeque at the park. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.
 
6. Give back some love. Do you have a relative or neighbor who could use a visit or phone call? Go outside your normal routine and get in touch with someone you've been meaning to call - it could brighten the day for both of you. Studies show that when you shift attention away from yourself to others, you actually feel better.

7. Volunteer your time. Nothing makes the day more special than a good deed. And the payback of altruism or giving back can help you see the situation from a much better perspective. Spending the day in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter helps those in need, increases your connections and can improver your sense of self.

8. Let go of bad feelings and think positive. If you continue to feel frustrated, angry or disappointed, remember that a minor change in attitude can make a big difference in how you relate to others. According to Indira Gandhi, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Try to find humor in your situation and fall back on laughter.

9. Focus on a relationship plan. If it's what you want, you can define objectives that will move you in that direction. Tell those you trust that you would appreciate being fixed up. Make a list of what you expect in a partner and what changes you may be willing to make. Join a singles group or a dating website. Take whatever steps you think are vital to improve your chances.

10. Relax and rejuvenate to relieve stress. Nurture yourself and your body through regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest. Attend to your mind and your spirit. Practice techniques of deep breathing or your own form of meditation. And set aside quiet time to do what brings you pleasure. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care.

On Valentine's Day, give yourself the priceless gift of a life less stressed. Mark the calendar with February 14th as the first day of the rest of your life. Commit to keeping your worry in check and maintaining balance in your life. As you savor your newfound power, cast a love spell in celebration of you.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

Feeling down in the dumps now that the holidays are over? If you're hoping for something uplifting on these dreary days and cold nights, you're not alone. T.S. Eliot, in The Waste Land, said, "April is the cruelest month." But studies have found that for the majority of Americans, January is the most depressing month of the year.

Have you experienced any of this yourself? Your eager anticipation for the holidays is over, replaced by the reality of a celebration that didn't live up to your expectations. Your clothes are tight from the weight you gained from the parties and winter sweet cravings. Your loved ones are gone and you're feeling lonely. By the end of the first week of January, one-third to one-half of you have already caved in on your New Year's resolutions, leaving you feeling disappointed and frustrated. The credit card bills have arrived and you realize you spent more than you planned. And, with all the holiday lights, you may not have noticed the short days and long nights in December - but now it's painfully obvious that winter is clearly here.

It's time for some honest self-reflection. What is currently disturbing you the most? Consider both your physical and emotional reactions. Once you are aware of the real problems, you can begin to identify possible solutions and map out a plan to implement them. Here are 10 tips to help you deal with January gloom and direct your focus to the opportunities open to you.

1. Revise your New Year's resolutions so you can achieve your goals. You may need to scrap your original list and come up with less grandiose aspirations. Don't beat yourself up for falling short of promises you made to yourself that were out of reach. Who hasn't made mistakes? Take it one day at a time as you revise and come up with a Plan B.

2. Commit to an exercise plan you will continue. Physical activity can release endorphins, reducing your stress level. Studies show that 30 minutes of brisk walking reduces depression for several hours. A regular exercise routine can also play a part in weight reduction and better sleep patterns. Plan to include some outdoor daytime exercise to take advantage of the natural light outside.

3. Establish eating habits that incorporate nutritious foods in well-balanced meals. During the holiday season, women can gain an average of five to seven pounds. Now get back to a healthier diet and smaller portions. Leafy green vegetables with high levels of folic acid and oily fish with vitamin B-12 and omega-3 fatty acids help maintain an upbeat mood. Foods like Brazil nuts are rich in selenium, needed to produce serotonin.  

4. Draw on your strengths. What worked for you before when you were feeling down? What core values guided you as you coped with frustrations and disappointments? Use these again as you face challenges in January and watch your resiliency come to the forefront. Don't hesitate to call upon resources that are there for you.  

5. Identify activities that reduce the stresses in your life - then include them in your schedule. If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, these can range from having help with childcare or eldercare to setting aside time to listen to music, read a good book or just do some deep breathing. Get in touch with your spiritual connections for balance and grounding. When you are feeling relaxed and authentically free, you'll be better able to cope with the hassles you face this winter. 

6. Get support from your family and friends. It was easier to connect during the holidays, but make an effort to follow-up with your social network in January. Share your concerns and validate your feelings or gain a fresh viewpoint. New support and discussion groups as well as community colleges classes generally begin after the New Year. Reach out and join to gain insight and perspective. And don't forget to spend time with friends just for the plain fun of it - laughter is a great tension reliever.

7. Turn crises into challenges and challenges into opportunities. Use this time to research changes you want to make. Although you can't control what happens, you can control how you handle it. If you're unhappy with your current job, consider how to make it more interesting and engaging. Instead of holding on to family conflicts that boiled up over the holidays, let go of your resentments and anger. When you can forgive, you stop feeling sorry for yourself and become more optimistic.

8. Express gratitude for what you have. It may sound simple, but as you've heard many times, "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." What are the things and people in your life that you are grateful for? You'll find that when you increase your awareness of these positives, you'll be less likely to experience feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

9. Look outside yourself to those in need. Studies have found that when you perform acts of kindness and giving to those who have less, you feel happier yourself. Around the holidays, numerous organizations send out requests for financial donations but all year they need volunteers to help staff their programs. Consider what best fits your interests, abilities and schedule - then make your contribution with your feet.

10. To cope with financial issues, make plans that won't further impact your budget or credit card debt. In the current recession, many families are enjoying activities such as potlucks with friends, visits to local museums, taking daylight walks, borrowing a book from the library. Be creative in your quest for low-cost entertainment.

With a new year and a new decade, this is your opportunity to set the tone for this time in your life. However, if you've tried the tips above and are still feeling the winter blues, you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or a clinical depression. Consult a specialist in psychological disorders for constructive input about these conditions.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

The idea of New Year's resolutions is not really new.  Janus, the god of doorways, beginnings and endings, was usually shown with two heads facing in opposite directions. According to legend, one of his heads was looking backwards into the old year and the other was looking forward into the new one. Two thousand years ago the Romans ended the year by reviewing it. And at that time they resolved to achieve more and pay homage to Janus, namesake of the month of January.

Setting new goals at the beginning of the year is now common practice, and the majority of these fall into three categories: lose weight, stop smoking, and start an exercise program. But even more common seems to be the tendency to break New Year's resolutions. Research suggests that the long-term success rate is only about 20%. Chances are, at some time, you've been a part of this statistic. How can you stop the cycle of resolving to make change, but then not following through? Here are some strategies that can help you work it out:

1. Be realistic. Strive for a goal that is reasonable and attainable. Instead of resolving to never again eat the fattening foods you love, avoid them more often than you do now. Choose practical solutions that will help you succeed.

2. Outline your plan and have a backup. If you decide to stop smoking, how will you deal with the temptation to have one more cigarette? What about calling on a friend for support or participating in a pleasurable activity instead. Or practice positive thinking and visualize a healthier body - consider that you will breathe easier, cough less and be able to exercise more.

3. Talk about it. Don't keep your new goal a secret. Find a friend who shares your resolve and continue to motivate each other. Enroll in a smoking cessation program or join a group. Tell family members who can be there to talk you through the tough times.

4. Track your progress. Notice each small success you make toward reaching your long-term goal. Short-term objectives are easier to keep, and small accomplishments will help you stay motivated. Instead of being focused on competing in a marathon, begin by jogging a couple of times a week.

5.  Reward yourself. This doesn't mean eating apple pie and ice cream if your goal is to diet. Celebrate your success by treating yourself to an activity that doesn't undermine your resolution. If you've been sticking to your objective of eating better, your reward can be a movie or a ball game with a friend.

6. Stick to it. Obsessing about the occasional slip won't help you achieve your goal. Do the best you can and take one day at a time. Be patient as you let a new activity, like exercising regularly, become a habit. And before long, your new healthy routine will become second-nature to you.

7. Keep trying. If you run out of steam by mid-February, don't despair. Start all over again - set another goal to get your body in better shape. There's no reason you can't make a new resolution any time of the year.

Joining a gym, a stop smoking program or weight watchers is the easy part – continuing to show up is the bigger challenge. So what are your new goals for 2010? If you're like most people, you'll be eager to get started right after January 1st. Now that you have some new strategies to implement, resolve to turn year-end ambitions into year-long healthy lifestyle changes.

© Her Mentor Center, 2009

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, for practical tips about parents growing older and children growing up.

At holiday time, the role of a grandmother can be most rewarding, especially if you and you grandchild spend some of the holiday together. While buying and giving presents is important, the most significant gift you can give your grandchild is your presence, attention and love. And you know the best gift you can receive back is a great big hug.

'Grand Mothers' come in all sizes and shapes, as well as names - Grandma, Nana, Bubbe, Granny, or whatever special name your grandkids have for you. Grandchildren may live near or far; be in preschool, grade school, college or beyond; from intact or blended families. What grandmothers share in common is a deep desire to maintain a loving bond with their grandchildren. Here are some tips for creating enriched relationships:

1. When your grandchildren live far away, the most salient issue is developing connections. You probably don't have the opportunity to see them more than every few months, particularly in this economy. You will likely need to enlist the aid of your adult children to help you form the bonds between you and their kids. How you connect will change as they grow and will certainly flow from your own interests and creative talents. Whatever you choose, your efforts will be well worth it when you see how excited they get when you visit.

2. When your grandkids are babies, help them develop a full impression of you. You can best do this by using all the sensations that babies respond to. Let them begin to identify your voice by cooing to them on the phone or sending them tapes or CD's with you singing, reading or speaking to them. They can begin to recognize your face from pictures of you in their room or on the computer via iChat or Skype. Have a special song or book that you share with them as you cuddle on each visit. Wear the same perfume - or even a dab of vanilla – whenever you visit so that they learn to associate that with you.

3. Even if you can't spend the holidays together, continue to use phone calls, letters, cards, iChat, Skype and emails to stay in touch. After a visit, you can create a scrapbook for them of pictures and souvenirs from your time together. Their memories of you will be enhanced when they have something tangible to look at and savor over and over again. You can write them stories or poems about what you do together, with them as the star of the piece.

4. Learn about your grandchildren's activities and interests so you can engage with them about topics that mean a lot to them. Pay attention to their friends when you go to their birthday parties, sports events or special occasions - then you can ask about them later when you have returned home. Integrate what you find out and keep up with their changing activities. All of your efforts will help cement the connections between you.    

5. When your grandkids live nearby, enjoy being an integral part of their lives. You likely have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern then becomes boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to undermine your adult children's authority, even if you pitch in to help with child-care. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged in the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

6. When you are part of the special kind of non-traditional grandmothering that is becoming more common today, flexibility is the key. If your son or daughter has divorced, you might lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation between the parents is strained. You may need to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend time with your grandkids - it helps to discuss this with your own child, as this can be a touchy subject. Your time with the grandkids is likely determined by which parent has them that day, not when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning. Divorce is difficult for everyone and your grandkids may blame themselves and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to manage them. Or they may withdraw from you, afraid that you will leave too. Help them adapt by accepting their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandkids so they don't feel their loyalty is being tested when they are with you.

7. Patience is called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have relationships - and holiday rituals - with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you in the same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only adding to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you.

The unifying concept for good grandmothering is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids - and for yourself. Show that you appreciate and value each individual's needs and rights - especially at holiday time. When you do that, you set the stage for building strong bonds between everyone in the family all through the year.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

Media images of the holidays are often exaggerated and, before you know it, you're trying to conform to unrealistic ideals. Combined with the added pressures and demands on your time, this can lead to emotional overload. Just remember that nothing is perfect.

Now that the holiday season is swiftly approaching, perhaps you're worried that your dysfunctional family dynamics will surface as soon as you get together. Do you think that your mother's inquisitive nature may scare off the first boyfriend your daughter's had in years? Or that your new son-in-law's parents will wonder why your 35 year old son has moved back home again? Following these common sense strategies will help you create a more serene holiday season for you and your family:

1. Realize that the anticipatory anxiety you are experiencing is common. Financial burdens around gift giving and extra chores when entertaining can make you feel apprehensive and stressed. Accept this as a normal reaction.

2. Make sure that you have realistic expectations and don't take everything personally. Some family members may be struggling with financial, business or marital issues that have nothing to do with you.

3. You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. If your favorite aunt doesn't get along with her ex-husband's new wife, don't invite them to dinner. It will make it easier for everyone to have an open mind and an accepting heart.

4. Put aside differences and avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away from misunderstandings. But agree to finish the conversation at a later time.

 
5. Conversely, with a relationship that matters to you, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don't let your emotions fester. Admit the part you play in the conflict, privately, and deal with it.

 
6. If there is tension in the room, take the focus away from the specific toward the abstract. For example, talk about the value of apologizing for some wrongdoing. Then encourage others to discuss how this kind of quality has enhanced their other personal relationships.

7. Consider what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are they're a part of your life. Be sure to point out their positive qualities and personal strengths rather than focusing on the negatives.

8. Practice letting go of childhood pain and longings when family members are not with you in person but in your memories. And realize that having feelings of gratitude and forgiveness are a gift you give yourself.

9. Be a role model for your children. Teach them by example as you take care of your aging parents, lend a helping hand to a neighbor or work on having a positive attitude.

10. If you feel ready to pass the baton to the younger generation, do it. Encourage your kidults as they preserve the old family traditions. Express your appreciation and support while they create new holiday customs of their own.

In the midst of taking care of your family's needs during this hectic season, remember to pay attention to your own wellbeing. Arrange to plan ahead and, when they offer, accept help from others. If it's in line with your values, put the focus on giving as well as receiving - encourage social responsibility by visiting an elderly uncle or volunteering at a local food bank. And try to include fun and laughter in all that you do. During the holidays, while you may wish for peace on earth and peace in your family, don't overlook the importance of your own peace of mind.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.