August 2009
Survive the Economy with Shared Housing
August 16, 2009 by Sandwiched Boomers
Comments (0)
Multi-generational households are making a comeback for Boomers in the Sandwich Generation - especially 
with the lack of jobs available for new college graduates and the financial pinch felt by aging parents as their retirement incomes dwindle. Don’t be disappointed if you were dreaming about the empty nest. This new living arrangement can reduce stress, with more family members sharing household responsibilities, financial expenses and emotional support. That is, as long as guidelines are clearly set in the beginning and upheld.
Families today are facing a new kind of housing crisis as the economy continues to be problematic. When one spouse in a two-career marriage loses a job, making the monthly mortgage payment becomes difficult, especially for Sandwiched Boomers. Senior citizens who have been able to pay for housing from their retirement accounts must cut back on that expense when their retirement funds are down by 50%. When a mortgage begun with an artificially low interest figure calls for a rate increase or a balloon payment, the cost becomes prohibitive for the nuclear family.
These scenarios are not about Gen X and Gen Y kidults boomeranging back home, with connotations of immaturity or irresponsibility. Rather they reflect adults struggling with the real effects of a global financial meltdown not faced in over 75 years. An AARP study revealed that more than ¼ of the foreclosures and delinquencies last year occurred among those 50 and over. These seniors and their adult children are looking carefully at what to do to ease the economic woes that have hit everyone hard.
Some younger families are moving in with their parents, pooling their funds for mortgage payments. In other cases, seniors are giving up their individual, larger homes and moving into 'granny flats' or guest suites on their children's property.
Irrespective of the type of arrangement and reason for combining two families into one home, some serious planning is needed before taking the plunge. Here are 6 tips to put into play before sharing daily life with extended family:
1. Have a family meeting to set guidelines before you move in together. Be frank and honest about your needs. You'll each be giving up some autonomy and control so you can expect to have situations where push comes to shove. Present your positions for the best and worst case scenarios. Then decide how you want to compromise so that everyone gets some of what they want. Put any absolute deal breakers out on the table so they can be discussed in detail.
2. Set boundaries so that everyone's privacy is respected. Living together with roommates in a college dorm is one thing but sharing space with adult family members can get awkward. Identify signals to use when one of you wants to be alone. The last time you all lived together, the circumstances were quite different. Old issues around power or dependency can resurface in this close environment, particularly when there may be a difference of opinion about how to handle issues with children/grandchildren.
3. Work out a schedule for shared responsibilities, chores and finances. Gain consensus about making the division of labor equitable. When children/grandchildren are part of the mix, arrive at a clear timetable with regard to babysitting so that no one feels exploited. The multi-generational experience can foster a closer relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, with the middle generation being able to step away from some care-giving tasks.
4. Respect the needs of everyone involved. When each person feels heard, it takes away some of the frustration stemming from the lack of control. You can be supportive of one another just by listening even if you don't agree with the reason for the complaint. Use the techniques of active listening and sending I-messages.
5. Think about the problems that can arise and make a Plan B. Just because you all are having some difficulty with the new living arrangements doesn't mean you have to discard the entire idea. Continue to schedule family meetings to discuss the issues and conflicts. Lack of privacy, intruding on other family members' boundaries, and unwanted advice are often sore points.
6. Be flexible and learn to love compromise and cooperation. Look at the situation from the perspective of other family members as you work on understanding their positions. You are all in this together and while you may not get exactly what you want, you can work out a solution that is good for everyone.
Generations living together can lead to a win-win situation. Even with the potential costs of remodeling to accommodate both families, maintaining one household rather than two creates considerable savings. And other positive outcomes develop. Support generated on both sides can serve as the foundation for resolving past misunderstandings, making forgiveness easier to accomplish. The close bonding allows for building rich memories to savor over the years. And the expression of gratitude is good for both giver and receiver. As the older generation continues to age, these times can be the impetus for planning care by a newly sandwiched generation, with grandchildren pitching in to help.
© Her Mentor Center, 2009
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers' family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.
How to Bypass the Road to Divorce
August 2, 2009 by Sandwiched Boomers
Comments (0)
Are you and your spouse worried about money in these uncertain times? During any economic 
crisis, couples have to face tough financial decisions. This can lead to an increase in stress and exacerbate problems that may already exist in your marriage.
Can you look back to when you first met? Remember what originally attracted you to your partner? Was it a strong character, fierce independence, a decisive nature? Now, these qualities may suddenly be getting in the way of getting along. You may want to take a look at what has changed in your relationship so you can come to terms with your negative feelings. But that's not all there is to it. Try to recognize your own role in what's happening in your marriage. If you want to stay together and there's a glimmer of hope, accept the challenge of turning it around. Try some of these ideas to get you started:
1. Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.
2. Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. Your initiation of changes can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift that you can give to both your partner and yourself.
3. Limit your arguments. If the situation between the two of you is tense, small annoyances can seem bigger than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it worse. Don't turn your quarrel into something more or attach your reactions to another issue. Agree that you will together explore the problems in your relationship. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's a lot of information available through relationship workshops, on the Internet and in the self help section of the bookstore.
4. Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, you might consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you each understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about the compromises you have to make. Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether or not you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.
5. Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior. Invest in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.
You and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in your relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.
© Her Mentor Center, 2009
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers' family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.