Don't we all wear masks at one time or another, pretending that everything is OK? There are many reasons people may act out this charade. It's not uncommon to hide personal pain, because putting it on display for all to see can be embarrassing and even destabilize relationships. Yet studies show that using denial as an emotional defense and 'acting as if' everything is fine can actually shift your feelings in a more positive direction. And keeping a 'stiff upper lip' when you feel powerless may, in fact, result in your having more control over a difficult situation.

Yet underlying bad feelings don't just disappear when you hide them as a form of self-medication. The transitions we go through can be complicated. And perspective is valuable, no matter whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, giving up roles that have defined you in the past or making a slow adjustment to changes in your identity. Try to take a step back as you look at what's going on for you emotionally. Implement some of the following tips and you can't help but grow from the experience:

1. Look deep inside and be honest with yourself.  You may be in denial about your emotional state of mind. If you've been quiet, withdrawn or holding back, what are you hiding? Or if you've been frustrated, angry or acting out, what are you trying to prove? Consider what you are doing that may not be in your best interests.

2. Stress can be a catalyst for negative behavior. Reduce the pressures in your life by honoring your body. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Actually schedule some relaxation into your daily routine until it becomes second nature.

 3. Seek out the support you need and connect often. Spend time with friends who understand what you're experiencing or who have had similar circumstances. Talk with family members whose opinions you respect and trust.

4. You may be confused about what to do next. Don't be afraid to see a therapist or a coach. Learning techniques from experts can make a big difference and talking about your concerns can be a lifesaver. If you begin to put unfinished business to rest and take better care of yourself, you'll be free to express yourself more directly to those who are important to you.

5. You deserve the life that you want. If you're having problems - with your job, relationship, family, finances or health - evaluate the situation. Understanding and working through the impact is important to your well being. Decide what changes need to be made and begin to move forward, step by step.

6. Accept the person you are becoming. As you redefine your self, it can lead to you gradually feeling more powerful. You will be able to go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.

7. Bring congruency into your life. Notice that when you feel one way and act another, you're out of sorts. Work on synchronicity – that is, making what you feel match what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world – and live them.

It can be difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when circumstances are emotionally painful. But there are psychological pitfalls when you present a false self and mask your true identity. If your negative feelings stem from a void inside, examine what is missing in your life. It takes a lot of courage to exorcise you demons and the road to healing is long and hard. But you can hold yourself to a higher standard. Take off your mask and commit to feeling more positive about yourself.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

For the past 25 years, October has been designated National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You'll find races to run that raise funds for research. Stores will be selling everything from mixmasters to ipods in pink. In fact, pink ribbons will be virtually everywhere.

What does this focus on early detection and recovery mean for women? With early detection, most breast cancers now can be successfully treated. There are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer and are thriving. Yet, as many survivors have learned, the process of coping with any serious illness can take its toll - emotionally and physically. These 7 tips will help you manage your recovery so you can move forward with your life:

1. Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it's normal to experience many different feelings, such as anger, fear, anxiety, depression or stress. Talk openly with those you trust and acknowledge these feelings to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

2. Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. Take time to grieve this loss. You may also experience side effects of the treatments - fatigue, weight change, hair loss, or menopausal symptoms. Once you determine how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms in efforts to alleviate them.

3. Enjoy the support you receive from others. Your family and friends can provide a caring network. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in many ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to talk, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as meals and errands. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask, but you'll find friends want to do what they can to help you out.

4. Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Set aside time to start or continue an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet, rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really enjoy doing and do it. Of course this may be easier said than done, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

5. Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on the priorities that are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling can help as you consider different strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

6. Make something positive come out of a difficult situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in negative circumstances experience growth as well as a sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful.

7. Take credit for the challenge you have overcome and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in the process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work it took to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned a lot about yourself - and made changes in the way you think, feel and react to others and the situation around you.

As women move through the steps of coping with breast cancer and its treatments, staying informed and involved in the process provides a sense of power and resiliency. One breast cancer survivor put it this way after completing a tough charity walk to raise funds for research: "As I crossed the 'finish line' in the pouring cold rain, I felt the exhilaration of my accomplishment, knowing that I had begun to trust myself again. I realized it had taken a long time for me to finally come to terms with the disease that had threatened my life. But now, with the acknowledgement and recognition that I allowed myself to accept from family and friends, I knew, through my tears, that I would have the strength to continue rebuilding myself, body and soul."

 (c) 2009, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who have developed a 4-step model for change you can't afford to ignore. It targets women like you, challenged by a family in flux. Whether you're coping with acting-out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions - GEMS that will make your family rifts disappear. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com - where you can subscribe to Stepping Stones, a free newsletter - and our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com.

Now that autumn is here and your college-aged kids have moved out, you may be feeling unsettled, even melancholy. So what is it that you're more worried about - how they'll get along in school or how you'll adjust to the empty nest?

For some parents 'no kids at home' represents a fresh start. After her youngest child went away to college, Mira realized, "This is the only time I've been completely free since my daughter was born. I spent months after she went away to college just relaxing and doing whatever I wanted, until I got bored. Now I'm planning to go back to graduate school - pursuing my passion for learning and an MBA." 

Other parents are ambivalent and find it more difficult to let go emotionally. Even when your kids readily move into their independent lives away from home, you may still be concerned about how they're managing. The popular term, Helicopter Parents, is widely used in the mainstream media. Do you rush in to protect, no matter how inconsequential the situation? Or sometimes feel like a helicopter hovering overhead, rarely out of reach, whether there's a distress signal or not? If this sounds familiar, your growing children may be missing out on the chance to learn from their own mistakes.

Six months after her son left home, Fern knew full well that letting go was easier said than done. For 12 years she had raised him as a single mother. "I was always available. I didn’t care that my life revolved around him. Now he just wants to be with his friends and I’m left out. I know he should be on his own, but I don’t have anyone else and I feel so alone." If Fern's challenges sound at all like yours, think about the following tips as you begin to write a new chapter in your own life:

1. Prepare for a greater sense of separation. As you find your adult children distancing more over time, realize that this is natural and normal. They have their own lives now and so do you. The details and activities you share may be less frequent but can be just as meaningful.

2. Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening. Relax into feeling more calm and carefree. Let yourself get excited by the possibility of exploring what you want to do with the free time that is now available to you.

3. Accept your ambivalence about the empty nest. Discuss your situation with friends who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences. That can be validating and comforting.

4. Decide to write regularly in a journal. As you think about what's happening in your life right now, you'll see that there's no right or wrong way to feel. Accept that you, too, are on a more independent path now. By identifying and dealing with what is going on for you emotionally, you'll learn to take greater control over this process of change.

5. Understand that you are still needed, although not in the same way. Letting go of your parenting responsibilities means letting go of the particular family roles you've played so far. Breathe deeply and appreciate this opportunity to create different relationships within your family.

Recognize that you now have full license to put energy into reinventing yourself. The lid has been lifted off the box – embrace new options that you may not have imagined possible. Continue to move away from center stage with regard to your kids and move toward your own deferred plans and goals. Now it the best time to enjoy the chance to fulfill your dreams - just like when you were first in college yourself.

Her Mentor Center, 2009

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who have developed a 4-step model for CHANGE you can't afford to ignore. It targets women like you, challenged by a family in flux. Whether you're coping with acting-out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions - GEMS that will make your family rifts disappear. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com - where you can subscribe to Stepping Stones, a free newsletter - and our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com.