The idea of New Year's resolutions is not really new.  Janus, the god of doorways, beginnings and endings, was usually shown with two heads facing in opposite directions. According to legend, one of his heads was looking backwards into the old year and the other was looking forward into the new one. Two thousand years ago the Romans ended the year by reviewing it. And at that time they resolved to achieve more and pay homage to Janus, namesake of the month of January.

Setting new goals at the beginning of the year is now common practice, and the majority of these fall into three categories: lose weight, stop smoking, and start an exercise program. But even more common seems to be the tendency to break New Year's resolutions. Research suggests that the long-term success rate is only about 20%. Chances are, at some time, you've been a part of this statistic. How can you stop the cycle of resolving to make change, but then not following through? Here are some strategies that can help you work it out:

1. Be realistic. Strive for a goal that is reasonable and attainable. Instead of resolving to never again eat the fattening foods you love, avoid them more often than you do now. Choose practical solutions that will help you succeed.

2. Outline your plan and have a backup. If you decide to stop smoking, how will you deal with the temptation to have one more cigarette? What about calling on a friend for support or participating in a pleasurable activity instead. Or practice positive thinking and visualize a healthier body - consider that you will breathe easier, cough less and be able to exercise more.

3. Talk about it. Don't keep your new goal a secret. Find a friend who shares your resolve and continue to motivate each other. Enroll in a smoking cessation program or join a group. Tell family members who can be there to talk you through the tough times.

4. Track your progress. Notice each small success you make toward reaching your long-term goal. Short-term objectives are easier to keep, and small accomplishments will help you stay motivated. Instead of being focused on competing in a marathon, begin by jogging a couple of times a week.

5.  Reward yourself. This doesn't mean eating apple pie and ice cream if your goal is to diet. Celebrate your success by treating yourself to an activity that doesn't undermine your resolution. If you've been sticking to your objective of eating better, your reward can be a movie or a ball game with a friend.

6. Stick to it. Obsessing about the occasional slip won't help you achieve your goal. Do the best you can and take one day at a time. Be patient as you let a new activity, like exercising regularly, become a habit. And before long, your new healthy routine will become second-nature to you.

7. Keep trying. If you run out of steam by mid-February, don't despair. Start all over again - set another goal to get your body in better shape. There's no reason you can't make a new resolution any time of the year.

Joining a gym, a stop smoking program or weight watchers is the easy part – continuing to show up is the bigger challenge. So what are your new goals for 2010? If you're like most people, you'll be eager to get started right after January 1st. Now that you have some new strategies to implement, resolve to turn year-end ambitions into year-long healthy lifestyle changes.

© Her Mentor Center, 2009

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, for practical tips about parents growing older and children growing up.

At holiday time, the role of a grandmother can be most rewarding, especially if you and you grandchild spend some of the holiday together. While buying and giving presents is important, the most significant gift you can give your grandchild is your presence, attention and love. And you know the best gift you can receive back is a great big hug.

'Grand Mothers' come in all sizes and shapes, as well as names - Grandma, Nana, Bubbe, Granny, or whatever special name your grandkids have for you. Grandchildren may live near or far; be in preschool, grade school, college or beyond; from intact or blended families. What grandmothers share in common is a deep desire to maintain a loving bond with their grandchildren. Here are some tips for creating enriched relationships:

1. When your grandchildren live far away, the most salient issue is developing connections. You probably don't have the opportunity to see them more than every few months, particularly in this economy. You will likely need to enlist the aid of your adult children to help you form the bonds between you and their kids. How you connect will change as they grow and will certainly flow from your own interests and creative talents. Whatever you choose, your efforts will be well worth it when you see how excited they get when you visit.

2. When your grandkids are babies, help them develop a full impression of you. You can best do this by using all the sensations that babies respond to. Let them begin to identify your voice by cooing to them on the phone or sending them tapes or CD's with you singing, reading or speaking to them. They can begin to recognize your face from pictures of you in their room or on the computer via iChat or Skype. Have a special song or book that you share with them as you cuddle on each visit. Wear the same perfume - or even a dab of vanilla – whenever you visit so that they learn to associate that with you.

3. Even if you can't spend the holidays together, continue to use phone calls, letters, cards, iChat, Skype and emails to stay in touch. After a visit, you can create a scrapbook for them of pictures and souvenirs from your time together. Their memories of you will be enhanced when they have something tangible to look at and savor over and over again. You can write them stories or poems about what you do together, with them as the star of the piece.

4. Learn about your grandchildren's activities and interests so you can engage with them about topics that mean a lot to them. Pay attention to their friends when you go to their birthday parties, sports events or special occasions - then you can ask about them later when you have returned home. Integrate what you find out and keep up with their changing activities. All of your efforts will help cement the connections between you.    

5. When your grandkids live nearby, enjoy being an integral part of their lives. You likely have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern then becomes boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to undermine your adult children's authority, even if you pitch in to help with child-care. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged in the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

6. When you are part of the special kind of non-traditional grandmothering that is becoming more common today, flexibility is the key. If your son or daughter has divorced, you might lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation between the parents is strained. You may need to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend time with your grandkids - it helps to discuss this with your own child, as this can be a touchy subject. Your time with the grandkids is likely determined by which parent has them that day, not when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning. Divorce is difficult for everyone and your grandkids may blame themselves and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to manage them. Or they may withdraw from you, afraid that you will leave too. Help them adapt by accepting their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandkids so they don't feel their loyalty is being tested when they are with you.

7. Patience is called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have relationships - and holiday rituals - with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you in the same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only adding to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you.

The unifying concept for good grandmothering is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids - and for yourself. Show that you appreciate and value each individual's needs and rights - especially at holiday time. When you do that, you set the stage for building strong bonds between everyone in the family all through the year.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

Media images of the holidays are often exaggerated and, before you know it, you're trying to conform to unrealistic ideals. Combined with the added pressures and demands on your time, this can lead to emotional overload. Just remember that nothing is perfect.

Now that the holiday season is swiftly approaching, perhaps you're worried that your dysfunctional family dynamics will surface as soon as you get together. Do you think that your mother's inquisitive nature may scare off the first boyfriend your daughter's had in years? Or that your new son-in-law's parents will wonder why your 35 year old son has moved back home again? Following these common sense strategies will help you create a more serene holiday season for you and your family:

1. Realize that the anticipatory anxiety you are experiencing is common. Financial burdens around gift giving and extra chores when entertaining can make you feel apprehensive and stressed. Accept this as a normal reaction.

2. Make sure that you have realistic expectations and don't take everything personally. Some family members may be struggling with financial, business or marital issues that have nothing to do with you.

3. You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. If your favorite aunt doesn't get along with her ex-husband's new wife, don't invite them to dinner. It will make it easier for everyone to have an open mind and an accepting heart.

4. Put aside differences and avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away from misunderstandings. But agree to finish the conversation at a later time.

 
5. Conversely, with a relationship that matters to you, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don't let your emotions fester. Admit the part you play in the conflict, privately, and deal with it.

 
6. If there is tension in the room, take the focus away from the specific toward the abstract. For example, talk about the value of apologizing for some wrongdoing. Then encourage others to discuss how this kind of quality has enhanced their other personal relationships.

7. Consider what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are they're a part of your life. Be sure to point out their positive qualities and personal strengths rather than focusing on the negatives.

8. Practice letting go of childhood pain and longings when family members are not with you in person but in your memories. And realize that having feelings of gratitude and forgiveness are a gift you give yourself.

9. Be a role model for your children. Teach them by example as you take care of your aging parents, lend a helping hand to a neighbor or work on having a positive attitude.

10. If you feel ready to pass the baton to the younger generation, do it. Encourage your kidults as they preserve the old family traditions. Express your appreciation and support while they create new holiday customs of their own.

In the midst of taking care of your family's needs during this hectic season, remember to pay attention to your own wellbeing. Arrange to plan ahead and, when they offer, accept help from others. If it's in line with your values, put the focus on giving as well as receiving - encourage social responsibility by visiting an elderly uncle or volunteering at a local food bank. And try to include fun and laughter in all that you do. During the holidays, while you may wish for peace on earth and peace in your family, don't overlook the importance of your own peace of mind.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.