Just hours after learning that her mother had died of a sudden massive heart attack, Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette was back on the ice. One of the favorites to win an Olympic medal, she practiced her jumps over and over again while her father watched with tears in his eyes.

Joannie's fellow athletes concurred that she was doing the right thing by staying in the competition. They spoke about her inner strength, remarkable courage and determined attitude. Fans around the world appreciated that, with a heavy heart, she was facing the most difficult skates of her life. If, like Joannie Rochette, you are in shock or have been numbed by an unexpected loss, what follows are some tips that may help you begin to turn your upside down world right again:

   1. Take control of what is within your reach. Joannie had the drive to win for her mom. She kept herself emotionally insulated, and the fact that she's a superior athlete helped her succeed. You, too, can keep going, no matter how hard it is. Identify your strengths and make them work for you. And have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't.

   2. Relish the support that comes from those who care about you. Joannie's loss resonated for athletes and fans alike. And everyone in the Pacific Coliseum was cheering her on. She said that all the love and support made it easier to give her best. Recognize that family and friends want to see you succeed and will be there to help sustain you. You can also find comfort in your spiritual community, a therapist or a bereavement group. You don't have to do it all alone - make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it.

   3. Face your uncertainty with the best attitude you can muster. Despite the unthinkable, Joannie still maintained a single-minded focus in the skating competition. And now she will be able to grieve her loss. You can't change what has happened but you can have some control over the way you handle it. Of course, you may be feeling angry, sad or afraid of what is to come. Be aware that your reactions are normal and common. And try to face them directly as you work through your feelings.
 
   4. Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Joannie's exquisite performances, and the standing ovations, said it all. You can tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will motivate you. The initial goal is to uncover the courage to begin. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. Set new long range goals and short term objectives. Enlist your staying power. Your positive experiences will give you the incentive to continue. Although there may be stumbling blocks along the way, never give up.

   5. Listen to others but primarily rely on your own instincts. Joannie believed in what she was doing and concentrated on the competition. She felt that she was where she belonged. That's what her mother would have wanted her to do. What's familiar can be calming - have faith in what you’re doing to heal. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can be an opportunity and serve as an invitation to grow. 

   6. Increase your capacity to be resilient. It must have been extremely difficult for Joannie to maintain her composure and grace under these circumstances. Just as she has, take it one day at a time. Begin to develop strategies to manage stress and release tension. And you can call on your faith or spirituality. Step by step, you'll be able to turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

In both programs, with not much sleep or energy, Joannie hit the ice with determination. She proceeded to skate what turned out to be her personal best during the most trying time of her life. She felt as if her mother was there helping her. Skating through her emotional pain, she won the bronze medal. Joannie was stunning on the podium - responding to the cheers of the crowd, smiling as she wiped away the tears. Hers was a symbol of a poignant victory and she touched the emotions of people across the globe.

In the news conference, Joannie repeated that her mother was her greatest fan and her death a monumental loss. Just like for her, you may feel that you're standing alone on the biggest stage you've ever been on, carrying the weight of losing your very foundation. But you too can get back on the ice and skate like you never have before.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, , and blog,   for practical tips on how to deal with your parents growing older and children growing up.http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.comhttp://www.HerMentorCenter.com

Ever since the first modern Olympic games were held in 1896, athletes have worked hard to 'go for the gold.' Baron Pierre de Coubertin brought the ancient Greek Olympiad back to life to recreate the ideals of physical, mental and spiritual excellence demonstrated by the competitors there. This year, the athletes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver continue this tradition. They're training long hours, maintaining a positive attitude, and overcoming their fears - all in an attempt to accomplish their personal best.

Although you may not be vying for any medals, you can learn about triumphing over worry from the stories of athletes around the world. Here are 8 obstacles to consider as you map out your own personal strategy for success. 

1. Overcome fear of failure. For some, failure signifies humiliation and the loss of self-esteem. But when the goal is to perform to the best of your ability, you can feel good about yourself even when you don't come in first place. As Coubertain stated in the Olympic creed, "The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." Stay focused on your growth and the steps you take, not the outcome. Canadian skier Alexandre Bilodeau personified this ideal. He envisioned his courageous brother as a role model and, in the process, won the gold medal in moguls.
2. Overcome fear of success. Does thinking about what might happen, after you actually achieve a victory, stop you in your tracks? Or do you worry that you won't meet others' high expectations of you once you win? Believing you must perform perfectly sometimes stands in the way of achieving your goal. U. S. figure skater Evan Lysacek had to deal with this stress at the Olympics, admitting, "I did have some extra pressure coming in as the reigning world champion." He rose to the occasion and skated with passion and skill, winning the gold medal and savoring the experience.  
3. Overcome fear of competition. Performance anxiety is a common and familiar phobia. Speed skater Apolo Ohno is no stranger to competition, having conquered his own fears and becoming a champion, on both the short-track and the dance floor. Entering many races, he has already beaten the record for the most U.S. medals in the Winter Games. Ohno doesn't always win, but he strives to perform to the best of his ability each time he competes. To overcome stage fright, there are many techniques you can employ: put the competition into perspective; do deep breathing and relaxation exercises; concentrate on your own actions, not those around you; practice, practice, practice.    
4. Overcome fear of sacrifice. After 46 years of consistently taking the gold medal in pairs figure skating, Russia/U.S.S.R. was finally shut out from the podium. How did China's Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo manage such a feat? They endured considerable sacrifice along the way. The oldest skaters in Vancouver, they have been together for 18 years, married for the past three. After victories despite numerous injuries, they retired in 2007. But two years later, they put their marriage vows and personal life on hold in order to retrain, living in the athletes' dorms as they worked to fulfill their dreams of Olympic gold. As you set important goals for yourself, recognize that you too may need to give up some pleasures along the way.     
5. Overcome fear of risks. In order to succeed as Olympiads, athletes need to conquer their fear of the unknown and go for the gold anyway. According to Canadian hockey great Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Snowboarder Shaun White understands taking measured risks and won the men's halfpipe gold medal by hard work and his readiness to take chances. Although he had already won after his first run, he chose to attempt his difficult, signature moves in a second run. Exuberant after accomplishing his 'Double McTwist 1260,' he said, "I have fun, I have dreams, I have goals, and I'm just now trying to do them." After your own preparation, outline the risks you're comfortable taking and then follow through with gusto. 
6. Overcome fear of change. With poor weather conditions in Vancouver, many events were postponed, throwing off schedules. Athletes had to mentally adjust to these shifts and still be ready to compete. One athlete who initiated her own change was figure skater Yuko Kawaguchi. She gave up her Japanese citizenship and moved to Russia to be trained by legendary coach, Tamara Moskvina. Although not medaling at the Games, she lived her dedication to her sport by her move. When you are forced to modify your own original strategy, don't hesitate to put your Plan B into action. It just might be a winner.      
7. Overcome fear of pain. Downhill skier Lindsey Vonn severely bruised her shin during training last month and feared it might prevent her from competing in the Olympics. But she tried anyway, saying before the race, "It's tough…I know what I have to do. I know how to ski. It's just fighting the pain." And fight it she did, winning the gold medal in the women's downhill. After, she commented on her efforts, "Nothing comes for free." You may have your own pain - physical or emotional - to work through as you pursue your goals. Keep in mind the determination you need to succeed as you struggle to prevail.   
8. Overcome fear of pleasure. Lindsey Jacobellis skid off course in the snowboard cross semi-finals, once more loosing a chance at a medal. After her initial frustration, she shared her thoughts with reporters, "I still can have fun in some way. I just felt like doing a nice, fun truck-driver grab, that's the spirit that it is." Other competitive snowboarders agreed with her attitude. Nate Holland commented, "It's not always about winning. It's about fun, style, showing your stuff." And Nick Baumbartner explained, "It's not about the finish…it's all about the journey. It's all about taking the wild ride." So, even when you're in the midst of a competition of your own, don't forget to enjoy the process and have fun.

As you learn from the athletes of the winter Olympics and overcome your own fears, remember that 'you can't score if you don't take a shot.' Rely on your courage, endurance and sense of fair play as you meet your challenges and achieve success. You may not receive a gold medal but you can be a winner just the same.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Days after a 7.0 earthquake devastated Port-au-Prince, the capital city of Haiti, family members battled for a proper burial of their loved ones. Time and again, tragedy followed moments of hope. Yet, despite the deaths and destruction, the people struggled to survive. And hundreds took to the streets, singing and chanting amid huge mounds of rubble - a clear sign of the resilience of the human spirit.

While not in such desperate circumstances, perhaps you too have suffered the death of a loved one. Although you may want the pain to go away, in order to heal you must experience the feelings of loss. First, try to create an inner resource that calms you. Imagine a caring person in your life who comforts you when you're hurting - you don’t have to be totally alone with these feelings.

If your life seems unnaturally quiet, seek out the support of family and friends as you move into this next part of your life. Take your time and don't be rushed by others. You know yourself best – and eventually you'll, once again, do the things you love. In the meantime, here are some ideas that can help you begin to heal:

1. Free yourself from a negative outlook. Although you can't change what has happened, you can have some control over how you handle it. Face your uncertainty with the most positive attitude you can muster. You may be feeling angry, sad or afraid of what is to come. Recognize that your reactions are normal and common. Face them directly as you work through your feelings.

2. Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will keep you motivated. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. Set new long range goals and short term objectives. Commit to a process of change, and then move forward, one small step at a time.

3. Primarily rely on your own instincts.  Believe in what you’re doing to heal. Maintain firm boundaries to protect yourself and talk honestly about how you feel. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can become an opportunity - it serves as an invitation to grow.

4. Take control of what is within your reach. Have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't. You can keep your emotions in check by tuning in to what is best for you. And, recognize that you can get support from family, friends, a therapist or a bereavement group. You don't have to do it all alone - make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it.

5. Solitude itself provides a chance to emotionally revitalize. Rejuvenate your spirits with whatever works - listen to music that stirs your soul or curl up with a book that engages your fantasies. Work to feel more positive through a meditation or yoga practice.  Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is still good in your life.

6.  Increase your capacity to be resilient. It's not easy to maintain your sense of optimism under these circumstances. But you can recover after a crisis or still thrive in the face of adversity. Call on your faith or spirituality. Develop strategies to manage stress and release tension through relaxation exercises. You may find that you have deeper reserves of courage than you realize.

                          
The world is responding to the havoc the Haitian earthquake has created - even a group of homeless people in Philadelphia has donated goods to the homeless of Haiti. Although wounded children call for missing parents, there is still singing well into the night in large tent camps that people now call home. Doctors are delivering babies, orphans are joining their new families in the United States, supplies and donations are still pouring in and volunteers are doing the best they can in difficult circumstances.

Paraphrasing former President Bill Clinton, in order for the recovery in Haiti to continue, we need to stay involved in the long run. Take his advice about your own recovery. Blessings can come out of tragedies. Practice generativity or guiding the next generation, and you will continue to heal as you honor your memories. Give back to the community by volunteering for a cause that was important to your loved one. Find your spirit of idealism - reach out to someone who is alone or make a contribution to those less fortunate. Change society for the better and you'll gradually transform yourself.  

© Her Mentor Center, 2010

 Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

The news about the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti is heartbreaking and the vivid pictures tragic. As in grieving any loss, the people of Haiti have been experiencing a wide range of emotions. Initially, many were grateful for surviving the catastrophe. But now they are dealing with the realities of all they have lost – family, friends, shelter, food, clean water and a sense of security. And feelings of shock are giving way to disappointment and anger that relief efforts are so slow.

When you see the degree of devastation, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Catastrophes such as earthquakes, floods, tsunamis and hurricanes are magnified by the 24/7 coverage by cable and Internet news services, leaving many feeling anxious, stressed and emotionally exhausted. Though out of harm’s way themselves, viewers experience stress and anxiety when faced with these kinds of uncontrollable situations. In fact, a recent national health survey found that 75% of the general population experiences at least some stress every two weeks, with half of these rated at moderate or high levels.

When others confront the violent forces of nature, you can bring some control to the event - and to your own feelings - by your actions and reactions. You may be feeling anxious because of natural disasters such as the earthquake in Haiti, the economic meltdown or security fears brought on by acts of terrorism. Whatever the reason for your high level of stress, here are 8 strategies for easing your stress levels and reducing your anxiety:

1. Talk about your thoughts and feelings with family and friends and reach out to others in your support system. Be open to asking for help and validation of your emotions. You may want to consult a professional counselor for a non-judgmental ear and help in sorting out your concerns. Start a journal to aid in the process of coping with your anxiety.

2. Maintain balance in your life between personal needs, work and your family obligations. Don't over commit yourself even as you retain a normal routine. If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, plan to carve out some special time for yourself even in the midst of caring for your growing children and aging parents. Remember to be open to the healing effects of laughter.

3. Exercise moderately several times a week. Find an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking with friends, keeping fit through dance or yoga classes, training at the gym. Get enough rest and sleep to allow your body to recover from the stresses of the day.

4. Eat sensibly, following a balanced diet of healthy foods rich in nutrition that serve as a natural defense against stress. Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and limit your use of sugar, caffeine and cigarettes as they can contribute to your agitation.  

5. Use relaxation techniques. Set aside time for a regular routine of deep breathing, guided imagery, meditation, or other stress reduction methods to alleviate your feelings of anxiety. Decide to put off worrying - much of what you may fear never actually happens anyway. 

6. Focus on what you can control in your life and what you can accomplish, not what you can't. Let go of negative thoughts and unrealistic expectations. While you often can't influence circumstances, you can control how you handle them. Clearly define your goals or aspirations and keep focused on them. Make something positive come out of a negative situation just as people across the world did in providing aid to Haiti after the devastating earthquake there.

7. Draw on your strengths. Use those you have relied on in the past as well as those you have developed more recently. Brainstorm new ways to apply the abilities you have in a novel way as you create new opportunities for yourself.

8. Be patient with yourself. Know that you will recover balance and serenity at your own pace. As long as you keep moving forward, you will eventually reach your destination. 

Americans, and others across the world, have been offering aid to the people of Haiti at an unprecedented rate. But the recovery, both physical and emotional, will take a long time. Support is valuable to begin the process of rebuilding body and spirit in the Haitian community and restoring hope as you cope with your own feelings of stress and anxiety.

 © 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.