One might begin by loving a person, an idea, or a substance, and end up becoming a slave to it. But, what happens when it involves someone else?

I had expected some monstrous creature with two heads and an ungainly body, but the person coming haltingly down was a picture of modesty and coyness, and not at all bad-looking. The naughty-librarian effect looked a bit studied, but not excessive.

I told myself not to lose sight of my purpose. I didn't shake her hand and I didn't sit down. I looked her straight in the eyes with what I hoped was cold indifference, and I said: "If you ever contact me again, I'm taking out a restraining order!"

The effect of my words was immediate. She crumpled to the floor like a rag doll and started crying. "I love you too much!" she kept repeating, between sobs.

"You don't even know me!" I shouted. I was exasperated, but not so much because of her crying, but because I could feel my resolve weakening. I can't stand to see women weep (something to do with my mother's bouts of despair in my childhood) and worse, I was beginning to find her attractive.

I ran out, slamming the door behind me. So what if, as she said, she "loved me too much"? What the hell did that mean? That was obsession, not love. Had I ever been guilty of such obsession? I didn't think so. I certainly never persisted after a person made it clear that there was no interest. Once or twice I might have gone past that particular clarity and made a fool of myself with a letter or a phone call. The embarrassment of being rejected again usually put a definitive damper on my ardor.

What is the fine line between love and obsession? Is obsession an excess of love? And is addiction an excessive obsession?

Ideas and alcohol are, at least for me, substitutes for women. But I have never become obsessed by a woman once she said no. The advantage of ideas and drink is that they never reject you.

Why wasn't Miss Marylou Arden more like myself in this regard? Why didn't she find a substitute, an addiction perhaps, or another writer? What kept her insisting that we were meant for each other? A lack of imagination? Some crazed mystical belief in twin-souls? (As her messages never tired of repeating.) Was she crazy enough to think that everything I wrote was for her? (As she also maintained.) Was she sick enough to kill herself or me?

I also wondered what made me so unassailable. What kind of priceless commodity was I that I had to threaten her if she came near me? Most men would have been flattered by the attentions of the physically fetching person I had just met. She was intelligent (of course! she read my books!), she was purposeful (and how!) and she professed to be a slave of love (an erotically charged possibility!).

Wasn't there a way to escape the associations with terror and death that our culture has so closely wrapped around the idea of obsessive love?

I called her landlady. I wanted to know why she had treated me so coldly when I came to visit. I also wanted to know what Marylou did every day. Did she work? Or did she lay in bed covered by my books, throwing moist kisses into the impregnable air?

The landlady wasn't stingy with her answers. She said that I was a cad for having abandoned my "lover" pregnant in her cold city thousands of miles away. And it was none of my business what she did every day, but if I really wanted to know I could try reading her fiction. The poor girl wrote without surcease.

That was the last straw. I asked the judge for a restraining order. They hauled her into court and warned her to stay away from me. She left town. The phone rings sometimes and when I pick it up, there is a rich, guilty, sad silence. I'm sure it's her. It's funny, but I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I'd given in, if I didn't love myself so much.

The future you want to create is being built in every now moment and decision you make.   That means you may slip up or eat too much at one meal, and can make a new decision in the very next moment. Stop in the middle of that piece of pie?  Throw away that extra pint of ice cream?  You MUST be kidding!

Well, no I’m not.  I am absolutely not saying it’s easy.  What I’m saying is, you can gain more control and make better choices and that each time you do it becomes easier to make those healthy choices again and again.

Food addiction is different from alcohol and drugs.  We have to eat to live, but we don’t have to drug to live.  The challenge to keeping food within a moderate amount on a continuum is truly a different ballgame because food of all kinds is all around us.

Let’s see how to make it a little easier on yourself.  Make it a point to eliminate the “whites” in your daily fare.  What are they?  White, processed sugar and white flour are actually quite addictive in their nature.  They cause you to crave more of the same and there actually are some withdrawal-type symptoms when removing white sugar and white flour from the diet.  However, when that’s achieved it is a very very big step towards greater control.  Then it is easier and easier to make continually better choices and, to jump “back on the horse after falling” as quickly as possible.

Here are some ideas that will assist you with removing the “whites” from your diet:

1.       Look for powdered stevia root, or blue agave syrup as they are low glycemic and will satisfy the need for sweet without jolting your nervous system.

2.       Look for whole grain alternatives to the white, processed flour products.  If it says “white, bleached, enriched flour” you know that isn’t the product for you.

3.       Add back fruits fresh and whole into your daily fare.  Dried fruit are high in sugar content and high glycemic, but in a pinch, if it’s a choice between a commercial chocolate bar and dried fruit, pick the dried fruit (NOT the chocolate-covered or candied kind).

4.       Then check out an amazing little mind-body technique with a BIG result of stopping cravings and overeating in its tracks. 

5.       Analyze if your desire for sweets is linked with some sort of stress you aren’t handling.

When you give up the “whites,” you will find that fruit and other things begin to taste very sweet and they satisfy.  A pie made with whole grain crust (or even better, ground almond flour crust) and simple fruit – no sugar added filling – will taste delicious,  satisfying, be far better for your lifestyle eating plan and you WILL be able to stop!

Dr. Christina Winsey-Rudd

TheICanDoctor.com

   What are we to make of this phenomenon? In a piece for NPR's "All Tech Considered," Viet Le epitomizes our confusion about how to absorb the new technologies and how to evaluate what happens in such new media spaces as the internet. Although his first reaction to haul videos was that "these girls desperately, desperately need to get a life, not another eye shadow," he found the videos oddly addictive. "The hauls sort of grew on me…In their best TV stylist voices, [the girls] point out the intricate beading on a blouse or the makeup that keeps them from breaking out. Sure, it's not current affairs or politics, but at its best, it's young women genuinely expressing their personal taste."

Well, maybe. But there's a pretty dark underbelly here. Some of the bloggers are getting addicted to making these videos (and shopping til they drop); one 16-year-old is currently being home schooled to allow her more time to haul more stuff, and the 7-year-old sister of another blogger is taking an early lead in mesmerizing second-grade fashionistas. The real darkness, though, lies in the deeply false message these videos embody: that whoever said money can't buy happiness just didn't know where to shop.

If this is what our teens are moving and shaking, I'm quaking.

To see a short video created by Time magazine reporters and posted on time.com that includes a few of my comments about this internet phenomenon, click here.

I was inspired to write this morning’s post after I read an article in the Harvard Business Review titled “How to Deal With a BlackBerry Junkie.”

There are some of us (and you know who you are, right?) who are in denial that they are addicted to these devices. A little while ago I was chastising one of my children for texting while we were having a family discussion. I accused him of being addicted and that it was rude and inconsiderate. I am embarrassed to say that my children quickly reminded me that it was no different than the five times I had pulled out my Blackberry that night during our discussion to check e-mail – touché. I tried to defend myself, but it was seven against one! All I got were blank stares except for a few smirks across their tiny little faces, I really wasn’t convincing anyone.

Leaders in business, church, home or wherever else you may be leading, be careful. Technological distractions and any other distractions for that matter can erode trust quickly and label you as not caring. Not too long ago I was sitting in the office of a friend of mine. We were carrying on a pleasant and meaningful conversation, so I thought. All of a sudden, the focus was not on me any more, it was on his computer screen. I sat across the desk, so I couldn’t see what he was looking at, but his hand was moving his mouse at a fairly decent pace as his eyes darted back and forth across the screen. I continued to talk and then realized that it was clear that what I was saying was no longer important to him. After that our relationship was never the same. My trust in him was eroded at that very moment.

I wish I could say this was an isolated event, but it wasn't. I have been the recipient of distraction and inattention in one on ones with leaders, consulting with executives, and meetings with senior leadership teams etc… etc… Now before you say or think, “Gosh Mike, maybe you’re just kind of boring to listen to,” it’s not just me. I have seen it happen with others who I thought were saying some pretty interesting and important things.

Leaders, be careful. Nothing sends the message that you don’t care more than paying attention to something else besides the person speaking. Nothing sends the message more that what you are saying doesn’t really matter to me, than paying attention to something else besides the person speaking. It is a fact that we have more things to keep us distracted than ever before, but let us ensure that those who follow us know they are important.

- Mike

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Today, I want to flesh out these observations. So take a deep breath—and then an honest look at the basics of your physical comfort, health, and safety. How well are you doing in these areas? What aren’t you taking care of? Would it be a good idea to:

•    write a list of emergency contacts and post them on your refrigerator door?
•    check your burglar or fire alarm system, or relearn how to work it?
•    contact an attorney or accountant on a matter you’ve procrastinated about (for example, filing quarterly taxes or updating your will)?
•    make an appointment to improve the safety of your car (such as bad brakes or bald tires)?
•    remove physical hazards from your home (chemicals or loose wires) or health hazards (dust, mold, or pests)?
•    exercise for at least twenty minutes several times a week?
•    prepare a healthy meal for immediate or future use?
•    make a medical or dental appointment, whether routine or in response to symptoms?
•    drink at least forty-eight ounces of water a day?
•    take daily vitamins and medications as prescribed?
•    get more sleep?
•    engage in positive, safe sex?
•    set up a retirement account?
•    open the mail and process it in a timely manner?

Now make a list for yourself of the items above that genuinely need attention—and any important others you’ve thought of. This gives you a set of things you could accomplish in anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours—perhaps the same amount of time you spend shopping on any given day. Beware of the part of you that will say you can’t do these things, that you don’t have the time or money, that they don’t or won’t matter anyway. Listen instead to the small, quiet voice that knows better and can see through these excuses.

You might want to make copies of the list for your bulletin board and refrigerator. You’ll then have a handy reminder of several ways to care for yourself instead of shopping. One word of caution: Don’t think of these as things you should do but rather as things it makes sense to do. Think of them as caring gifts for the happier, healthier, safer version of yourself that you’re becoming.

In the next posting, we’ll look at the third and final leg of the stool that supports us. Having examined self-kindness and self-care, we’ll conclude with a (somewhat poetic) discussion of self-respect.

In my book, To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, I help shopping addicts identify and acknowledge those needs. In these half dozen posts, we’ve explored healthier ways of fulfilling them. We’ve seen numerous examples of self-kind alternatives to shopping, and I’ve invited you to envision specific activities that genuinely address the emotional needs that underlie your overshopping.

Thus far, we’ve looked at six categories of needs: for action, spontaneity, relaxation, several kinds of sensual joy, emotion, and intellect. Today, we conclude our consideration with two final categories of need, discovery and spirit. As always, use anything here that feels right—and stretch yourself to design or discover or invent healthy activities that, unlike shopping, will give you lasting satisfaction.

Discovery:  Discovery is a particular kind of intellectual pleasure, one that drives a good deal of overshopping. After all, there’s always something “new” out there, something different, something unexpected that can grab your attention (and suck the money right out of your wallet). Do you fall for the latest, hottest thing? Do you frequently recheck your favorite stores or internet shopping sites for what’s “just in” and not yet found by others? If so, how can you be kinder to yourself and, at the same time, feed your curiosity and/or relieve your boredom?

•    Go to a workshop on a cutting-edge topic by a leader in the field.
•    Take that course you’ve been thinking about.
•    Experiment with something artistic or technical.
•    Look into a controversial issue in politics or some other social field.
•    Engage in a community service activity or hobby that’s new to you.

Spirit:  Are you overshopping mostly to distract yourself from feeling empty or hollow? Spiritual self-kindness helps connect the self to the universe, helps us to see ourselves through a lens less clouded by the storm and stress of everyday immediacies. This may be the most difficult type of self-kindness to design and enact, but give yourself every chance to discover unexpected resonances within. Remember the words of Walt Whitman: “I am large, I contain multitudes.” In what ways might you give yourself this important form of self-kindness?

•    Personalize a mantra.
•    Pray, meditate, or practice a period of silence.
•    Experience the life force that flows through you.
•    Walk in nature or a garden, or quietly watch the sunrise or sunset.
•    Sit outside in the evening and really look at the stars.
•    Think about what you’re grateful for and lovingly count your blessings.

Self-kindness is the essential nutrient for growing measured, conscious shoppers from shopping addicts. Give yourself this gift and be patient. Change is a gradual process, not an abracadabra transformation; there may be occasional setbacks. But each time you choose a self-kindness alternative to urge-driven shopping, you’re rubbing out a piece of the addictive pattern—and making it less likely that you’ll succumb the next time.

In the next few posts, we’ll explore two further qualities essential for gaining control of compulsive shopping: self care and self respect.  

When they examine their habit with a clear mind and a compassionate heart, nearly all overshoppers acknowledge that the pull of shopping rises from somewhere underneath the things they buy. Shopping is for them a release, a drug that for a while—a little while—blunts the pain of unmet needs. Then the pain is back, it is worsened by the guilt and shame and secrecy that each new purchase adds.

Self-kindness offers a happy exit from this cycle. Finding healthy activities to fulfill your underlying needs releases you from having to bury those needs with overshopping and gains you access to “true wealth,” those nonfinancial assets, different for everybody, that make life worth living. We’ve already sampled such activities for four kinds of needs: for Action, Spontaneity, Relaxation, and Sensual Joy. Today, we look at two more: Emotion and Intellect.

Emotion:  Emotions, both positive and negative, charge and direct a lot of overshopping. When we feel nostalgic, when we don’t feel connected, when joy is absent, when we feel like celebrating—in these and a great many other emotional situations, we may feel driven to shop. Instead of shopping in response to your emotions, practice targeted self-kindness: find alternative activities that meet the emotional needs beyond your overshopping impulses. What emotionally satisfying alternatives to shopping might work for you? As always, try any of these that appeal and invent half a dozen others that might work for you.

•    See a deeply human, moving film, an old classic perhaps.
•    Spend time with a favorite animal.
•    Volunteer to help someone who really needs your help.
•    Attend an event or a performance that promises to be joyful.
•    Learn by heart—and recite—a favorite poem.

Intellect:  While you may not think of shopping as an intellectual pursuit, the puzzle-solving aspect of shopping motivates and energizes some people. It’s an active pleasure for them to sort through an infinite number of choices, factoring in variables such as style, value, and utility, zeroing in on what says, “This is me.” But there are so many other ways to experience cerebral delight, so many other puzzles to solve! What nonshopping joys of the mind can you suggest for yourself?

•    Use the internet to improve yours skills in chess or Scrabble.
•    Take a leadership role in an organization or a club in which you belong.
•    Read a challenging book and talk about it with someone.
•    Take lessons and learn a new language.
•    Learn to knit, draw, or meditate.
•    Write anything from a diary to a Wikipedia entry.

Next time, we’ll conclude personalizing the landscape of self-kindness with two further categories: Discovery and Spirit.

Finding creative ways to meet those needs is what self-kindness is all about. Invent or pursue positive activities that satisfy your needs, and the pull of addictive habit drops sharply. But just what are such activities?

So far, we’ve looked at examples for four categories of needs: Action, Spontaneity, Relaxation, and, in part, Sensual Joy. Today, we finish looking at the Sensual Joy, with examples for Sight and Hearing. As always, try anything from the list that appeals to you, and create half a dozen other examples for yourself. Then, when the urge strikes, choose one of these happier alternatives instead.

Sight—Color, Pattern, and Beauty:  Do you love color? Do you buy too many beautiful things or spend more than you can afford on things so exquisite they take your breath away? If you deeply appreciate well-made, high-quality objects, stopping overshopping doesn’t have to mean depriving yourself. Congratulate yourself on your capacity for aesthetic appreciation—and now, how might you discover or experience visual delight without buying?

• Paint—watercolors, oils, or bathroom walls—for yourself or maybe for someone you love.
• Take digital photos of objects you admire and share them.
• Look at art forms, in a museum or a book or outdoors.
• Visit beautiful places; take house and garden tours.
• Behold nature, whether tree or forest, flower or bouquet.
• Take a course at a local botanical garden.

Hearing—Sound and Music:  Do you groove on the music piped into your favorite stores? Do you love eavesdropping on other shoppers at the mall? Do you love the noise of the city street when you’re out window-shopping? What other sounds could fill your ears and lift your soul?

• Sit outside in springtime and listen to the birds.
• Listen to a free public lecture.
• Volunteer to usher for a benefit performance.
• Sip something at an outdoor café and listen to the street sounds.
• Sing a song from your childhood.
• Play, really play, a musical instrument.
• Go to a pond at night and listen to the frogs and crickets.

We’ll finish personalizing the landscape of self-kindness with the next two postings, the first on Emotion and Intellect, the second on Discovery and Spirit.