Blind spots are ways that our mind becomes blocked from seeing reality as it is - blinding us from seeing the real truth about ourselves in relation to others. Once we form a conclusion, we become blind to alternatives, even if they are right in front of their eyes.

Emily Pronin, a social psychologist, along with colleagues Daniel Lin and Lee Ross, at Princeton University's Department of Psychology, created the term "blind spots."  The bias blind spot is named after the visual blind spot.

Passing the Ball

There is a classic experiment that demonstrates one level of blind spots that can be attributed to awareness and focused-attention. When people are instructed to count how many passes the people in white shirts make on the basketball court, they often get the number of passes correct, but fail to see the person in the black bear suit walking right in front of their eyes. Hard to believe but true!

Blind Spots & Denial

However, the story of blind spots gets more interesting when we factor in our cognitive biases that come from our social needs to look good in the eyes of others.

When people operate with blind spots, coupled with a strong ego, they often refuse to adjust their course even in the face of opposition from trusted advisors,  or incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

Two well-known examples of blind spots are Henry Ford and A&P:

• Ford's success with the Model-T blinded him to the desires of his customers. That gave the fledging General Motors an opportunity to capture a winning share of the automobile market with a broader range of models and options.
• A&P stuck with the grocery chain's private label products even as their customers defected en masse to supermarkets that carried the national brands they saw advertised on TV.

Recovery

The good news is that companies can recover from denial; even when they seem permanently wedded to their histories, their philosophies, or their belief systems. IBM, which had been caught up in its own "bureau-pathology," learned to conquer arrogance and overcome its history and culture, under the leadership of Louis Gerstner.

Intel, DuPont, and Coca-Cola, are more examples of corporations caught in denial traps when launching new products. They demonstrated that when corporate management has strong convictions, or worse yet, hubris about their points of view, they can become blind to their customer's needs - needs that are right in front of their very eyes.

Seeing the real truth is an art and a science. When we get the balance right between what we think is true and what is really true - we are managing our blind spots with integrity, and wisdom.

Fortunately, these well-known brands did not live in denial very long. It was only a passing phase, and they recovered from it by revisiting reality with an open mind. Blind spots explain why the "smartest people in the room" (as Enron's top executives were famously called) can sometimes be very dumb. They do not see the light - they are not open to changing their minds.

The Power of Coaching to Dissolve Blind Spots

Denial and Blind spots are one of the primary reasons why Executive Coaching is so vital for leaders, and why peer coaching is equally important for employees to practice. Coaching can effectively uncover and deal with blind spots and denial and give the decision-makers a fresh perspective on how to handle executive challenges.

Coaching can also help individuals gain a broader and more 'realistic perspective' about situations and themselves. Executive, Team and Organizational Coaching can help leaders calibrate with the world around them, giving them reality checkpoints that position them  to navigate the real world with wisdom and insight.

From time to time, we all need a wake-up call to be sure that we do not allow ourselves to confuse our denial maps with the actual territory.

Check Yourself

Here are 7 Common Blind spots:

1. Denial of Reality - Feeling so strong about our own beliefs that we deny the beliefs of others, or deny facts right in front of our eyes.
2. Control - Seeing ourselves as being more responsible for things than we actually are, or having more control over things and events than we truly do.
3. Made-Up Memories - Making decisions based on memories that did not happen. Often we confuse our imaginations, or our dreams, with reality.  
4. Reality Distortions - Distorting reality to conform to preconceptions.
5. Know it All - Thinking that we know more than what we really do. (We simply don't know what we don't know.)
6. Listening Only to Validate What We Know -  Failure to listen to others.
7. Undervaluing What We Do Know - Listening too much to others, and allowing others' beliefs to talk us out of our beliefs; or in some cases cause us not to trust our instincts.

Neuro-tips: Removing Blind Spots 

Tip #1 - It Takes Thought to Learn
The brain does not always allow us to hear all the facts if they do not fit our prior understanding of a concept. To learn new facts, you must be actively open to accepting opposition.

Tip #2 - Effectively Working Together
Partners who were considered controlling were perceived as critical and rude, and their advice was generally rejected and not trusted. When the same partners showed appreciation, a feeling of rapport and trust developed, creating a deep 'WE-centric' bond.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books: Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership.

I lived in Kansas at the time, and my husband Rich was getting his Ph.D. in Medicinal, Bio and Pharmaceutical Chemistry - and I took a job at the Bess Stone Center, a Center for Mentally Disabled Adults. On my first day at work, I was introduced to Larry, a 24-year-old mentally challenged adult. He was very tall and thin. Perhaps the most striking feature of his appearance was the wide suspenders that held up his pants. His teeth protruded and his head was over-sized. "His name is Larry," Mary Jean said to me. "He is 24 but has the mind of a 2-year-old." He doesn't talk. He just grunts. As she spoke those words, his head tilted, and I immediately knew he understood her harsh words. Larry looked different, and even though his outward appearance was unusual; I was about to learn that there was much wisdom beneath his surface.

Larry, who did not possess the ability to communicate through words, put his talents to work. He made an invention by inserting the 'foil' from the inside of a ketchup bottle top into a clothespin. Larry could gaze into the small foil 'rear view mirror' for a fully encompassing view of the world. He used his invention to watch the man who came to polish our floors once a week. Larry watched the up-and-down motion in his 'rear-view' mirror, and once his mind mapped the rhythm he was able to imitate floor polishing even when the polisher was not there.

I asked him if he wanted to 'try it' and sure enough, Larry polished the floors everyday and became one of the best floor polishers ever. Then he took me outside and motioned with his arms that he wanted to polish the grass. After it clicked in, I realized he wanted to transfer his new found skills to learn to mow the grass. And he did. He became the best grass mower we had ever seen.

Larry's energy and passion for learning became contagious. Soon enough, everyone at the Bess Stone Center became alive in a new way. Bertha wanted to play the piano, and she did, in her own way. Albert wanted to have 'money in his pocket' and so Mary Jean gave him money to carry to the store for food shopping. Mark wanted to build a house, and so we gave him some wood to build a miniature house which upon its completion was donated by the Bess Stone Center to its 'sister home' for mentally disabled children. The local newspaper heard about the change at Bess Stone and wrote a feature story, which greatly inspired our small town in Kansas

Larry taught me about trust. Rather than see him as a 'retarded adult' with no capabilities to do much of anything, I saw him as a whole, creative human being. At the movement of contact, I experienced him as someone special, someone I wanted to get to know and understand, and someone of value.  Larry changed my life. He was one of the reasons I wanted to understand more about how our minds work, how our brains work, and why we do what we do.

Music to Your Ears

Three minutes went by and a middle-aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried on to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw money into the till and without stopping, continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly, he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3-year-old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped and looked at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. Several other children repeated this action, yet all the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only six people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston, and the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell played incognito in the Metro station and was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. 

Think about the labels that frame your world - narrow your appreciation, and stop you from seeing others through a lens of their strengths.

• How do labels influence you?
• What do you perceive and why?
• Do you stop to appreciate what is going on around you?
• What blinds you? What influences your sense of reality?
• Do you recognize the talents of others in an unexpected context?

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books: Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership.

The attendees included hundreds of forward thinking HR Executives, who wanted to learn more about how HR can take the lead in supporting the C-suite in creating alignment and transformation in their businesses. In addition, in the audience was almost 100 Senior Executives, who were eager to step up and partner with HR. In the front row, there were eight high level diplomats - some of the top people ruling Dubai, who wanted to know 'what was new and groundbreaking.'

As it turned out, the original keynote speaker took ill - I became the opening keynote. Fortunately, my topic - The Alignment Journey - was a perfect set up for the other speakers who covered topics from Innovation and Creativity, to Social Learning, Filling the Pipeline and Pro-activity.

The city of Dubai is everything you see in magazines and on TV. I called it Miami on steroids when I first saw it in daylight after my 16-hour flight. Its skyline, created by the world's best architects - is magnificent.

Minds Wide Open

The conference was in a spectacular hotel located on the Palms, another real estate phenomenon. The audience was eager to listen, and I was ready to share my ideas and frameworks. The interpreter sat in the back of the room in a small booth. Half of the audience understood English; the rest listened through the headsets provided.

My talk contained ideas about a 'new normal' that is emerging around the world. "We are at a time of great change, and the world is discovering we are all connected. Creating environments for candid and caring conversations to take place is essential for all leaders, all countries, and for the world to experience and create shared success."

I talked about the Neuroscience of WE, and the Wisdom of the Five Brains, and how we are connected through conversations. I introduced the notion of "I-centric" and "WE-centric" leadership. This struck a cord, which I learned later was because many of the concepts about the power of the heart, lie deep inside of the Koran.  I stepped into a new world of dialogue and conversation - an intersection of business, science and religion - in an auditorium with strangers eager to hear and learn what is fresh and provocative and worthy of discussion...

Turning Doubt into Understanding

During my keynote, one of the Sheiks in the front row raised his hand and asked if I could 'roll back my slides.' He realized I was presenting some new ideas and he wanted to understand the true depth of my comments. He wanted to delve deeper into the distinctions between an "I-centric" and a "WE-centric" leader.

He asked about how I defined "I and WE" and he wanted to know what was good and what was not good about I-centric and WE-centric. He asked out of curiosity, and eagerness to learn, not in a challenging or judgmental way. We were in a dialogue with 450 people listening. I had no idea how important our sharing of ideas was until much later.

I said that when leader's derail - and when their companies start to fail, it's when the leader makes themselves the center of the universe and the dynamics within the organization become all about pleasing the boss. However, when it's "WE-centric" - the company mission and the relationship with their customer become the center of the universe - all work together to achieve outrageous goals. Winning takes on a new definition - and the profits follow. The room was silent - heads were bobbing in agreement - something I will never forget.

We talked a lot about 'having a voice' - and how hierarchy and fear of authority can cause people to feel afraid to speak up.  I talked about how important it is for leaders to set the tone and encourage pushback. I shared that too often 'leaders are the last to know' because people are afraid of them - and so all the observations and ideas that employees might contribute get lost behind the leader's power. When this happens a company starts to disconnect from reality - denial sets in and businesses, at the extreme, go out of business.

Transformation of Everyday Life

My session finished after much interaction with the audience about power, winning, neuroscience of leadership, and the human behavior behind 'why we do what we do.' During the breaks, attendees came over to tell me how thoughtful and provocative the session was. Most of all, people talked about how my session touched their heart.

What I pieced together by the session close was that I gave them a new framework to 'include their heart' in an explanation of how we connect with others - how we connect to history - how we connect to the future. While I was speaking, the audience was listening through a broader lens of history which was more steeped in strong religious beliefs than the place I was speaking from - science and business. As our two perspectives joined in a spirit of open discovery, it ignited a new way of talking about science, relations, life and the future.

After the meeting and my profound conversations with the participants - I saw Dubai in a new way. I saw the people as compassionate, intimate, open, generous of spirit and deeply willing to learn. I felt welcomed, appreciated, and understood.

However, recent discoveries at neuroscience research centers are revealing how to handle negative emotions in new and healthy ways. This updated wisdom takes us down another path. Rather than suppressing or ignoring emotions, which only damages our internal healthy functioning, we need to learn to express our emotions in constructive ways. Learning how to label emotions in healthy ways has a big impact on emotions - both for the speaker and the receiver.

Careful labeling of an emotion enables us to regulate the emotion. If the emotion is "rage" or "frustration"- labeling it causes the rage and frustration to settle down. Constructive labeling enables the speaker and listener to clarify the emotional distress. It prevents the speaker from bringing a higher emotional tone to the situation and brings a more logical frame of reference to the situation. This practice regulates the brain and provides a calming effect.

Learning how to label emotions and express our discomfort enables us to quell the fear and pain centers of the brain (amygdala) and activates our reasoning and forward-thinking centers in the brain (prefrontal cortex) where our strategic and social skills reside. Our pleasure centers are more closely linked to the prefrontal cortex, so we feel better when we come up with more effective strategies for handling our emotions and creating new strategies for the future.
 
Neuro-tips

We are at a critical inflection point in the world today. In this WE-centric universe we need to acknowledge our vital role and responsibilities to each other on our journey. Our new WE-centric world is built on candor and caring, which expand positive powers in the world. In a WE-centric world, leaders understand that human beings are designed to be social. We either pull people toward us, or we push them away.
 
Rejection = pushing people away and is experienced as pain by those rejected. Compassion and caring = pulling people toward us and is experienced as pleasure by those who are accepted. You can become a game-changer and shift your culture into a "WE-centric" culture by applying these neuro-tips at work.
 
NEURO-TIP #1: Our brains are designed to be social

Our need for belonging is as or more powerful than our need for safety. When we are rejected, we experience pain in the same centers in the brain and body as when we break a leg. Being emotionally orphaned is more painful than death. When others show us love, respect, and honor us, it triggers the same centers in the brain as when we eat chocolate, have sex, or are on drugs. Understanding this dynamic will change how you lead.

QUESTION: Knowing that our brains are designed to be social, what Leadershift could you make in your life starting tomorrow to create greater positive connectivity with others at work?

NEURO-TIP #2: Appreciation reshapes our neural networks to give us a broader perspective of the world

When we feel sad, depressed, alone, fearful and disconnected from others, our mind closes down. Messages from the amygdala say "protect" and our brains are hardwired and designed to protect us from harm. Through co-creating conversations that focus on how we can tackle our challenges and difficult situations together, we activate an appreciative mindset. Our neural chemistry changes; we 'turn off' the fear-based neuro-messages from the amygdala, and 'turn on' the brain connections that feed up into the prefrontal cortex - our 'executive brain.'  We see that our 'perspective has shifted' and it's because that part of our brain - our prefrontal cortex - is now engaged.

QUESTION: Knowing that appreciation is the food that enhances the health of our brains, minds and souls, what Co-creating Conversations could you initiate tomorrow and with whom - that could shift the feel of your workplace from judging to appreciating?
 
NEURO-TIP #3: We avoid what is painful; we engage in what is pleasurable

From birth, we learn to avoid physical pain and move toward physical pleasure. We learn to protect ourselves from ego pain, building habits and patterns of behavior that protect us from feeling belittled, embarrassed, or devalued.

At work this tendency translates into avoiding a colleague who appears to compete with you when you speak up or avoiding a boss who sends you silent signals of disappointment. Pain can also come from what you anticipate-not from what is real. If you imagine that telling colleagues they are annoying you will lead to a fight or argument, just the thought of having that conversation will produce the social pain of being rejected or being in an uncomfortable conversation. We often avoid the conversation and hold the frustration inside. The feared implications of pain become so real for us that we turn to avoidance, since confronting a person with a difficult conversation may lead to yelling, rejection, or embarrassment.

QUESTION: Knowing that avoiding others to avoid perceived pain of a difficult conversation may only create greater pain down the road, what person and what conversation could you have starting tomorrow to build greater trust and candor with a colleague?

It's another year ending and a New Year beginning. My guess is that many of us would like this year to be a 'one of a kind,' and not something we intentionally repeat. Often actions with high emotion become patterns, which become rituals even without intention.

So as 2009 ends and we step into a hopeful and exciting 2010, think about the rituals that you would like to hardwire into your organization, and work on rituals that build community and empathy.

Here are some ideas of how to think about rituals. I put this together with Barbara Biziou, one of the founding members of Creating WE Institute, who is a ritual guru.

Healthy Rituals

Healthy Rituals that build community bring individuals together, awaken the spirit of the team, and they enable individuals to build healthy thriving relationships. In this changing and uncertain time, our relationships are more important than ever before. They become our anchors in the sea of uncertainty, and help us quell the hardwired fear centers that live inside our brain. 

Power of Relationship Rituals

Our research shows that if you are having an unhealthy relationship with someone in your team, the impact on you and others will be unhealthy - and the negative influence may go on for weeks, or months and spread to others on the team. When something is wrong in a relationship, the other person may tend to 'blow you off.' However, if you do have a healthy relationship with people, they will take the time to work through the difficult conversations with you. Relationship Building Rituals are the keystones to building successful business relationships at work. Connection breeds loyalty, trust and compassion.

If we do not feel connected to others, we won't feel connected to the job; we lose motivation and become apathetic. We check out, we give up and give in, and we lose our voice, or we get angry or resistant to change.

Pay Attention to the Meta Messages 

Why and how do rituals impact the brain? Rituals communicate inclusion, acceptance, and send messages to the brain, saying: "you are part of the team." These 'relational messages' are non-verbal and could account for as much as 90% of the impact you have on others.

Notice the impact: our pupils will dilate when we are interested in something. Looking at someone directly can show him or her that we care. We tend to put higher trust in and believe more in these signals than the words spoken. For example, saying, "you did a good job" while scowling and rolling your eyes sends a mixed message causing a breakdown in communication, which leads us to distrust others.

Rituals You Can Experiment With: A Venting Ritual

When we interact with others, conflicts may arise - that's normal. Each of us has our own ideas for what we want to make happen, and when others disagree, we can get mad, emotional, angry, upset and sometimes avoid others when we can't find a way to work through the conflict.

There is an Ancient Ritual, which was called Stenia. The younger women got a chance to complain, and moan about what was bothering her, releasing anger and resentment they would have held onto. The 21st century version of this is called It's Okay to Vent Once a Day. Venting can be positive if it is done correctly. It releases stuck energy from the body and quiets the mind. Venting is the process of giving each other permission for venting time with others, rather than letting it go on forever. We can choose to vent for 7 seconds, 7 minutes, even 7 hours.

Releasing Emotions

We all have interactions with life that create emotional responses that often don't end at the time that the interaction ends. It's like striking a guitar cord. After your hand leaves the strings, the cord you've played continues to reverberate. Sour notes create music we don't like to hear, and we complain.

Here are the steps:

   1. Establish a timeframe for venting.
   2. Pick a partner that you totally trust to keep the information confidential.
   3. Choose the role you want your partner to play in order to help you "work through it."
   4. Decide if the role should be to:

• Listen.
• Listen for something specific. 
• Listen with the intention of helping creating a  new strategy for reentering the relationship or situation with a fresh point of view: to re-contract, or reconnect.
• Listen so you can give the person coaching-a new perspective on the situation.
• Listen to help you interrupt a negative cycle you may be having and transform it into a positive  cycle.

   5. Take turns so each of you have a chance to be a coach and coachee.
   6. Ask your colleague to try different roles to see which one helps you the most.

Healthy Rituals

Healthy Rituals allow individuals, teams and organizations to practice what we call "self-regulation," which doesn't mean suppression - it means 'self-expression' and that is healthy. Suppression is a form of holding in emotions - such as frustration, anger, disappointment. When we suppress, we cause a cascade of stress hormones to 'own us' - hence the term Amygdala Hijacking (Amygdala is our 'flight, fight, freeze and fear' mechanism in our older Reptilian Brain).

Creating Healthy Check Ins

Check in with people to create positive rituals that meet the needs of team members.

   1.  Ask for input from the members of the organization so people feel included in the rituals.
   2.  Be creative.
   3.  Listen non-judgmentally.
   4.  Be consistent, be mindful and be open to change.
   5.  Rituals can open the door to new behavior and pave the way for new business results.

Neuro-tips: Rituals enable us to meet the needs of connectivity, our most profound and powerful need.

Neuro-tip #1: When needs are unmet in a relationship, we become more emotional and frustrated. We become dissatisfied with the person, which over time will increase and can turn into dislike. (Shifting from friend to foe).

Neuro-tip #2: Positive mood states in one person encourage positive mood states in others. Oxytocin, a bonding hormone in men and women, is released during human contact, connecting and bonding, which reduces aggressions and increases cooperation.

Neuro-tip #3: Empathy for others is expanded through community rituals. Empathy is more than a feeling; it leads us to actions. By experiencing positive community rituals, we trigger our 'mirror-neuron' systems, which are located in the parietal lobes and prefrontal cortex. Positive Rituals expand our ability to empathize with others.

Our stories either build or break down relationships with others. At work, we interact with colleagues and hopefully create networks and build alliances. Every day in your business, there are a million interactions that will create either a positive or a negative dynamic among people. While these interactions may seem small, they begin to add up to a larger pattern. We are either spiraling up or down. We are either building a stronger sense of I or a stronger sense of WE.
 
Building Stories - Two Scenarios
 
Storytelling, like the words we use, comes naturally to human beings. Stories are how we share what we are seeing, feeling, and sensing inside. Storytelling is, in essence, our view of reality.
 
Storytelling begins as an I-centric capability enabling us to state and often defend our point of view. In organizational life, storytelling shapes the way we view the world individually and collectively, and it can have positive or negative consequences for the health of the enterprise. Learning how and when to shift from an 'I to a WE' perspective in the stories we tell is essential to organizational health and growth.
 
We create stories based on our point of view-based on our function, our title, and our respective level in the hierarchy. "Where we sit" can determine "where we stand." Because we each see the world through our respective lenses of experience and beliefs, it's not hard to understand how colleagues engaged in different functions or operating within different environments-even within the same organization-can come to tell their stories about the enterprise from the vantage points of their own separate silos.
 
IMAGINE
 
Imagine you just joined a new company in a new position, and you have been given the responsibility for achieving success. Your predecessor was unable to pull it off, so you have some extra pressure to deliver results. Imagine you accept this responsibility and start your job tomorrow.

• What story are you telling yourself about this job, about your role, about what you want to accomplish?
• What story are you telling the new employees who will be meeting you for the first time? Your staff? Your customers?

Imagine the following situation, which I'll call Scenario 1. As you do your due diligence and make your assessment of the situation, you uncover concerns that you didn't see before. The talent seems to be light for the task ahead. You sense that the resource base is also light, and you realize that the job is bigger than you thought.
 
The business problems also seem bigger and you can't get your arms around them. You are new and believe you are supposed to be in charge of the situation. You decide not to share your fears and worries out of concern that others will think you are not capable of being a leader or are unable to handle the challenge. How will the story you hold inside, and the story you tell outside impact the future success of the business?
 
Your Story: The story you tell yourself in this scenario is that you need to be tough, and show confidence. Sharing your concerns will weaken your leadership, and asking for help or involvement will weaken your power. 
 
Their Story: The story your direct reports tell each other is that you are not interested in their perspectives and are a command and control leader. They band together and are fearful of what you do, lack trust in your assessments and resist your approach.
 
As an alternative, let's look at Scenario 2. You come aboard, do your due diligence, and find problems are more difficult than you originally anticipated. You immediately bring your direct reports into your assessment and, with open and honest communication; you create an engagement process to build positive energy and focus. You include others in discovering new and exciting ways for building the business. In Scenario 2 you are more open and transparent with colleagues, you express your desire to create sustainable partnerships, and you are willing to coach and be coached to help yourself and others grow.
 
Your Story: The story you tell yourself in this scenario is that while you were hired to be the leader, you weren't hired to have all the answers alone.
 
Their Story: The story your direct reports tell each other is that you are an incredibly inclusive leader who really cares about their perspective, wisdom and insight.
 
Telling Stories
 
We establish our power through our stories and story telling with others. Stories shape our sense of the world, our relationships, and our future. Stories communicate our aspirations, our hopes, our intentions, and our beliefs. Most importantly, stories convey the hopes and dreams we hold in our minds about the reality we believe we are living in or want to live in.
 
We tell our stories all day long. We tell them to customers, to colleagues, and to our friends and family. But the person we tell our stories to most of all is ourself.
 
Human beings have the power and ability to make up dramatic stories with any conceivable ending. Our stories can portray a future full of promise and accomplishment or one that is dark and empty. It's all stuff we first make up and then come to believe. Once we believe our story, we live it out the way we visualize it in our minds.
 
Like it or not, we are storytellers. Our main audience is us; and our life develops from the stories we create. In other words, if we wake up one morning to discover that our finances have been wiped out because we purchased a bad stock, our story could become that we are a loser and stupid, or we could tell a story of our ability to take risks and go after the Big One. Our stories influence how we see ourselves and how we approach the life challenges that come next. Stories can empower or dis-empower our life journey.
 
How are You Using Story Telling at Work?
 
Think about the power of stories to shape your future. How are you using story telling at work? Scan and monitor your stories and reflect on how you are using stories to either lift you up or push others down. Are your stories I-centric or WE-centric?
 
Are you using story telling to:

• Prove you are right?
• Build stronger relationships?
• Inspire people to step into new challenges?
• Break from the past and create the future?
• Blame others and make them bad in the eyes of others?
• Build people up and make them feel great about themselves?

Reflect on your story telling process and keep track of the themes that show up in your stories.
 
In the next issues we'll talk about the neuroscience behind story telling!

Even though most of us value being considered a partner, the ability to work together interdependently is one of our least-developed skills. This skill is so vital that, in its absence, good leaders turn bad, good executives become ineffective, and good colleagues turn into adversaries. The skill of opening up to others - and of creating the emotional space for others to open up to us - requires deep trust. Trust is the most precious of the golden threads. Without it, there can be no WE.

When we open up WE to include partners outside of our conventional thinking, we encompass stakeholders and allies beyond the traditional boundaries of the enterprise - including vendors, customers, and donors. We expand the way we work and how we generate value. After all these years, we are starting to see how shifting boundaries - throwing the net wider - is a way to achieve alliances in a new way. With the golden thread of trust, we can weave our lives together like a beautiful tapestry.

WE-centric relationships are built on trust. I trust you will not harm me, and you trust I will not harm you. When we have that level of trust we do not feel the need to duck into protective behaviors. We automatically assume a mutual support, and we move forward from there.

When we experience doubt about the good intentions of others, for whatever reason, we need to recognize the importance of having the kind of conversations that bring us back to trust. Creating the space for open dialogues enables us to reclaim trust with others.

5 Vital Questions

There are 5 vital questions that, if not addressed on an explicit level, will be working 'behind the scenes' eroding trust at every corner.

• How do I protect myself?
• Who loves me, who hates me?
• Where do I belong; where do I fit in?
• What do I need to learn to be successful?
• How do I create value with others?

As we interact with others, we are asking and answering these 5 Vital Questions with every interaction. Our human communication system with others is designed to send energy out and get an answer back. As we send out these questions in the form of direct questions or indirect messages to others, we calculate our 'coordinates with others' and navigate either with them or against them. When we are seeking to understand where we stand with others, we are listening, I-centrically. Once we get these questions answered we energetically shift into a "WE-centric" relationship and trust will emerges.

Co-creating a Book is Like Giving Birth!
 
The 5 Big Questions are key to the health of a relationship, team and organization. These fundamental questions are what propelled a team of us - 18 coaches, consultants, and practitioners at the Creating WE Institute - to do an experiment in co-creation and trust building. We decided to work on writing a book together! 

42 Rules Team

When we started our co-creating conversations, we didn't know what each other was thinking about - we trusted we would find a way to build a conversational space for our best ideas to emerge - and we did.

We didn't know what we would do if we had conflicting ideas that would conflict, or too many ideas. We trusted we would find a way to work through it, and we did.

We didn't know if our ideas were strong enough of big enough, yet as we listened to each other's ideas, and became inspired by what others had to say - we did.

On September 17th, "42 Rules for Creating WE" was one of the fastest-selling books on Amazon, having achieved sales that brought its rank to #1 in the Leadership, Management, Motivation, and Organizational Behavior categories, and the #2 fastest-selling book in any category on that day.

Why did this book strike such a cord?  Read the press release...

Too often, we see management and employees as separate. In reality, both are part of a larger system of colleagues working together to create positive business results. The challenge for you as a leader and as a colleague is to understand how to create "mutual trust" through the way you communicate with colleagues every day.

Our ability to communicate openly, with candor and caring, determines the quality of the connectivity between us as individuals, teams, or larger organizational units. While we do not always talk about our fears of speaking up candidly, we feel it. Knowing where we stand is vital to our success, and when we feel we are on the outs, it negatively impacts our performance. We start acting strangely-we protect, we hide, we defend-all because we feel we are being rejected.

Creating the space for open and non-judgmental conversions is a WE-centric skill. As we have conversations and listen, we are able to sort out what affects our personal future and what does not. The Amygdala in our brain senses threats and tries to prevent them from harming us. It senses where we are in the pecking order, who is bigger, who is more powerful, and who is a friend or foe. This kind of subconscious listening is fundamentally I-centric by nature.

Listening I-centrically

Listening I-centrically causes us to be apprehensive in our conversations with others and cautious about their intentions and motivations. One of our least-developed skills is the ability to confront another person and have a difficult conversation. As a consequence of our fear of confrontation, we reactively take on the posture of being defensive when we sense we are facing an enemy.

Even thinking of the word "confrontation" causes our blood to boil, or our fears to rise. The word is fraught with meanings that keep us at a distance from others. The dictionary defines confrontation as "to stand over or against in a role of adversary or enemy." While the word also means "to meet or to face someone; to encounter another person," we often project onto the word all of the bad experiences we have had when we face others. Over time the word itself has become tinged with fear and apprehension.

When we think of a "confrontation" or of having a "difficult conversation" with an associate,  it takes many of us to the edge of our comfort zone, and we will do everything imaginable to avoid it.

Having a difficult conversation scares many of us into thinking we will lose a friendship, and so we avoid confronting the truth. When we feel frustrated or angry with someone who has stood in the way of our success or undermined us and caused us to lose face, at least from our point of view, we get so upset we just can't find the words to express ourselves. We end up angry and express our most reptilian behaviors (Our Amygdala Response which is hardwired as fight, flight or freeze). Worse than that, we hold all our feelings inside until we boil up and over with frustration, and then we blast that person.

How We Connect

Confronting others honestly requires that we all share mutually in building relationships, with all parties feeling the power of the exchange; these are power-with relationships. When we feel others want to own us or take our power away, a power-over relationship, we fear harm and cannot open up with honesty. If we think of our conversations as a power-over experience, it's impossible to be comfortable confronting others honestly.

Additionally, when confronting another person brings up potentially volatile emotions, we move with caution and keep our real feelings close to our chest. In the most extreme cases, when in the midst of situations that stir up highly charged emotional content, most of the tension and drama are actually taking place in our own minds. We make up our "story", and this is how we see the world. It is our own personal drama of the confrontation, and our interpretation of our experience. Much of our frustration is coming from the words we use to tell this story to ourselves and to others.

Behind the Scenes

Behind the scenes is the reality of the confrontation challenge:

• How do we communicate with each other when we feel we are being excluded?
• How do we deal with others in a way that builds relationships rather than erodes them?
• How do we masterfully keep ourselves in a state of openness, with our assumptions and inferences in check?

Co-creating Conversations

• Think about your workplace.
• Think about your team.
• What Co-creating Conversations can you introduce to create a stronger WE-centric workplace?

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; and the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose
Contact: 212-307-4386

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Anthropologists and biologists believe we have a tit-for-tat instinct hardwired into our DNA. In fact, this instinct is evolutionary and is found in all mammals. When someone comes at us 'mammals' in anger, this action fires fear signals in our Amygdala - a tiny organ found in the lower part of our Limbic Brain - and we move into our protection mode.

As soon as we see and feel the signals that someone is on the attack, we respond instinctively to protect ourselves. Some people fight back and match anger with anger, and a fight may ensue. Others may flee if they feel the anger and aggression will lead to danger, and they run away so they will not 'be eaten alive'. Others will freeze, and hope we change our minds and move on to more enticing prey.

This dance of engagement drives all of human behavior. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown gave an incredible presentation that puts these interaction dynamics in context for us. Brown describes a meeting between an enormous 1,200-pound male Polar Bear and a female Husky. The scene is the moment of contact between the two -- the Polar Bear and Husky -- on the Hudson Bay, North of Churchill, Manitoba.

In October and November, there is no ice on the bay, and the polar bear is in pursuit of food. On the other side of the polar bear's predatory gaze is the female Husky starring back.

Then something unusual happens. Under normal circumstances, the Polar Bear's generally fixed, rigid and stereotypical behavior ends up with its making a meal of the Husky. However, this time the Husky returns the gaze with a bow and a wagging tail. The polar bear stands in front of the Husky, no claws and no fangs, and they begin an incredible ballet, a ballet of nature, with two animals in an altered state -- a state of play.

This interaction was just as much part of nature as the usual battle to the death. All because of the way the Husky acted.

What trumps what in nature? We assume power-over others gets us our way. What is our way anyway?  The dance in nature we witnessed in the story of the Husky and Polar Bear is a perfect example of how human beings and all other animals communicate. We send energetic signals all the time. We test each other - as the Husky did the Bear, and we see what comes back. Our signals work like radio signals saying: "where are you" and "what do you want?"

Our signaling system - what we send, and what we receive - alerts us to the nature of our relationship with others. We are either 'moving with others, moving against others or move away from others. Each signal generates a reaction that is hardwired in nature as the fight-or-flight syndrome.

In our brains, we are translating these signals into labels about our power relationship to others. We are either in a power-over or a power-with other's mode of interaction. The Husky's signals to play - power-with - trumped the Polar Bear's signals to dominate - power-over - a trump that is one of nature's big surprises.

The antidote to power-over behaviors at work is not to give back power. Rather than demanding others to step into a power-fight, instead we can request that others move into a power-with dance with us.

Reflections & Actions to Experiment With:

• Remember you have the ability to trump an adversarial offer. You can be the game changer.
• Make requests not demands.
• By moving towards and with others, with the intention of creating something wonderful - our adult form of play - we do create something wonderful! Try it!
• Our beliefs drive our intentions, our intentions drive our actions, and our actions drive the results that we achieve with others.

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; and the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose
Contact: 212-307-4386

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SIGN UP TO RECEIVE OUR NEWSLETTER

Even young children know what feelings are - maybe even better than adults do. They watch our faces; scan for acceptance, anger, and excitement and then they respond.

• Happy means: getting things we want, need and like.
• Sadness means: taking away things we want, need and like.

Happy and sad are universal emotional responses, which are instinctual - they are hardwired into our cells. I even believe many animals have these responses. I call these emotional responses "Vital Instincts. "

Both sad and happy are emotions everyone experiences. No one has to teach us these emotions. We may differ on what makes us happy or sad.  However we both experience these emotions.

I Want Happy Back ...

When my grandson, Gideon, was 3 and a half, he ran across the living room to get to a couch he wanted to play on. You could see the look on his face as he scooted across the room. He was in pure ecstasy envisioning how he was going to tumble into the huge fluffy cushions on the sofa and jump around on the fluffy pillows.

On the way, he fell and the look of joy and happiness disappeared and was replaced by tears and sadness. Becky, my daughter saw the fall and went to help him get up and wipe his tears. She was all prepared to hug him and kiss him and make him feel better.

"Are you okay"? She asked as she reached out to comfort him. Now whimpering a bit Gideon was looking like he was pulling himself together. Becky looked him in the eyes again and said, "Are you okay?" Gideon wiped his eyes and said, "I'm okay, I'm okay. I just want 'happy back."

Happy Biochemistry

We all know when 'happy disappears' and we all know when happy is back. Happy makes us feel really good about the world, about ourselves, about the future. Happy is optimistic, while sad is pessimistic. Every culture has a happy and a sad.

Gideon reminded me of the simple yet so important nature of life. When we are happy we experience life as an unfolding, positive story in our life. Our biochemistry is 'happy' - our fear levels are down and our ability to reach out to others in our world an experiment goes up. Our interactions with others are positive and engaging - happy people can shift the chemistry in a room, lifting spirits and energy in seconds.

Heart Meter

At Benchmark, our Creating WE Institute has been researching 'happy and sad' as part of our study of the Neuroscience of WE and we are working with biofeedback tools that can measure 'happy' and 'sad' through the way our hearts beat. 

Last week I visited my daughter and her family. Truth be told, my 'stress' was high, and I was having trouble finding 'happy.'

I got an idea. I thought, "What if I show Gideon how to use the tools - might we both have fun 'finding happy together.'  Lo and behold something miraculous happened.

The first day, Gideon could move from 'red' to 'green' quite quickly - in fact, much faster than I did. 

As we worked together he told me, "If you try too hard, you can't bring happy back!" Well, he was right. My stress and my trying too hard had become a hardwired pattern that I had not seen. The harder I tried, the redder the light became. The more I learned how to shift from my head to my heart, the more a green glow appeared.

Gideon fell in love with the process. The next morning he came into the room where I was working and sat next to me. He connected the clip to my ear and turned it on. He put his little arm around my shoulder and snuggled next to me every so sweetly and said, "Mama Judy, let's bring happy back!"

Wisdom from the Heart  

Gideon taught me happy is something that I can use for the rest of my life...  and luckily he's learning early. He also told me when you 'try too hard' and 'focus too much' you can't find Happy. He also reminded me the importance of snuggling and cuddling - happy is more than a solo event ...