Years ago, when I was in graduate school, I wrote a paper called "It Started with a Yawn." I noticed that when people got together and one person yawned, others yawned within seconds afterwards. Some researchers have claimed that yawning could control brain temperature so that it does not reach extremes.

A team of researchers led by Andrew Gallup of Princeton University analyzed the pattern of yawning in people during winters and summers and found that a significantly higher number of participants yawned in the winter then they did during summers. This led the researchers to think that yawning must be serving the purpose of regulating brain temperature so that it stays within permissible limits.

Published in the journal Frontiers in Evolutionary Neuroscience, the study is said to have involved 160 people from Tucson and another 80 from Arizona in both the seasons.

I Observe and I Am Curious...

Since I was young, I have been watching, noticing and wondering why people yawn. I have noticed that people yawn together. When someone yawns, others around them often yawn as well. It is as though they are mimicking each other.

I've also noticed that people yawn when someone they are talking with 'talks for a long time' about a complex subject that they are not fully following. 'Metaphorically it's like communicating "enough, I can't hold that much information in my brain." or "I can't understand what you are saying - I can't grasp it all."

I am curious about the connection between "yawning to regulate temperature" and "people yawning together" - either as a mimicking response or as a possible overload response.

In the case of Overload ... Angelika Dimoka, a neuroscientist from Temple University Fox School of Business has been studying overload and decision-making. 

In her study, researchers gave people a bidding task with lots of information to work with in order to make their decisions. As the researchers gave the bidders more and more information, activity in the dorsolateral PFC suddenly fell off as if a circuit breaker had popped." The bidders reached cognitive and information overload," says Dimoka. They start making stupid mistakes and bad choices because the brain region responsible for smart decision-making has essentially left the premises. For the same reason, their frustration and anxiety soar: the brain's emotion regions -previously held in check by the dorsolateral PFC - run as wild as toddlers on a sugar high. The two effects build on one another. "With too much information, " says Dimoka, "people's decisions make less and less sense." (Newsweek, February 27, 2010, Sharon Beagley)

If we use this new information about cognitive overload, we can see that our whole brain state shifts when we are called upon to deal with and comprehend complex subjects. Overload causes us to shut down the parts of the brain needed to think.

Yawning may help restore a state of equilibrium. Breathing may slow our heart rate and enable us to get into a higher state of coherence. When we yawn, it's possible we are calling upon our ability to restore a state of clarity, openness and receptivity.

In the Case of Mimicking...Is Yawning Contagious?

While yawning is often associated with being tired and needing more oxygen in the bloodstream, people yawn for many reasons including stress, boredom, emotion and over-work.

Yawning together with others suggests another fascinating principle about human behavior. Yawning may be contagious. Is it possible that what triggers people to yawn together is a herding response - a subtle way to communicate group behavior - such as when one bird in a flock flies and the others follow the behavior of that one bird so they all rise together as a whole flock.

When one person yawns it appears to cause another person to yawn. Researchers have found that 40-60% of people who see a picture of someone yawning will yawn themselves. Even reading the word YAWN can make people yawn.

Maybe a yawn is a signal to the group that it's time to go to sleep. Or, if someone yawns when they're bored, it may be a sign to change the topic of conversation.

Yawning is not limited to humans. Animals of all types yawn. If you have a dog or cat, you've probably seen your pet yawn several times. Even some birds yawn, such as cockatiel parrots, Adelie penguins and Emperor penguins.

What we do know is that yawning helps replenish the levels of oxygen in the blood, and may help regulate our body temperature. The same chemicals in our brain that affect our moods and emotions also cause us to yawn.

Ancient Greeks started the ritual of covering your mouth when you yawn so that your soul does not escape!

Notice when people yawn ... what is going on in the conversation? What might trigger the need for more oxygen? Why might a deep breath be needed? Why is this conversation having such an impact at the deep visceral level?

Maybe there are times we need to breathe new life into a situation, a conversation or relationship. Think about it...notice it...reflect on it...and talk about it with others...it's a phenomenon of nature.

Want to learn more about contagious yawning? Check out this cool video from Discovery Channel's MythBusters.

Trust at the Moment of Contact
In my new book on trust, I talk about the most important social forces that are hardwired into our DNA and drive our 'humanity.' Whether we were around three thousand years ago, or we are living today, these forces guide our interactions with each other. We are still struggling to figure it out, to work it through, and to find ways to emerge more whole and more humanized as a global community. You can check out three sample chapters here.

Judith E. Glaser is the author of two best selling business books: Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller. Learn more about her online at: www.benchmarkcommunicationsinc.com.

There are so many situations in life that can be thought of as stressful. But those same situations can also be perceived without stress. The situations are the same either way, but the mindset that creates the reaction is what is different, and that is what makes all the difference in the outcome.

Lets take an example of an electrician who is working on a job that isn’t going smoothly. If he chooses to be stressed over the situation, he will feel anxious, frustrated, and even angry. His day will probably continue to get worse because his frustration will cause the problems to grow. On the other hand, if he chooses to feel peace as the “stressful” situation arises, he will approach it with a clear head and will be able to easily fix the problem. His peaceful mindset will transform the situation away from stress and into an easy fix.

When a frustrating situation comes up, know that what happened still happened no matter how you react to it. But you can control how you will feel about the situation and you can get the situation on a track that is positive instead of helping it get more and more frustrating by having a negative mindset.

I have learned to approach my day by setting the intention that I will feel peaceful, and that if something comes up that would normally cause me to feel stressed, it won’t change the peaceful mood I am in. I can tell you with certainty that when I approach my day in that way, I have completely different experiences than I do when I let the stress get the best of me.

Choose to bring in more peace and let out the stress – by doing so, you are choosing the easier road.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

___________________________________

Faith M. Davis is both an author and a copywriter focusing on the subjects and industries she knows and loves most: holistic health, wellness, self-help, metaphysics and inspirational topics. More information about her work and her services can be found at www.faithmdavis.com.

The experts say that THE WORDS we use in our everyday conversations and in our thoughts determine:

• Our mood
• Our reputation
• Our destiny

The same applies to LEADERS!  With the all the leadership and management training classes I have attended over the years, the single most provocative and enlightening revelation that I have learned is --- the power of words.

Do you want to become an instant Leader? It does take certain skill sets, abilities, and charisma, yes. It also takes choosing the right vocabulary words.

Changing our vocabulary words means changing our vocabulary habits.  

My first example is one of my favorites.   Use the word, “problem,” in a sentence. Go ahead.  Say the sentence silently to yourself. Now, substitute the word "problem" with the word "challenge" in the same sentence.  How differently do you feel?  It is subtle.  And at the same time, very powerful.

I have officially eliminated the word, problem, from my spoken vocabulary.  I use the word, challenge,  instead.

Leaders use the challenge  word often.  It means things are solvable. Goals can be reached.  Success is possible.

A Few Other Vocabulary Samples:

Instead of the words on the left, try saying the more empowering words on the right:  

I experience the words in the left column every day.  But, I choose to use the words in the right column… when I remember!  Awareness is the key.

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

Larry Lipman

www.FunTeamBuilding.com

Not all mothers are lovable. In fact, there are those who are hurtful, critical and even destructive. These heartbreaking truths can be related to your mom's severe psychopathology or a character disorder, her painful life circumstances or personal crisis. Maybe your mother is narcissistic, bipolar or suffers from alcohol or drug dependency. And you very well may have vivid memories of physical abuse or emotional neglect.

Are you fed up with trying to win her approval and be accepted for who you are? Or sick and tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself, on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

  1. Let go of the dream of having a loving mother and a relationship that is emotionally healthy. It's not easy to face the fact that your mom is self absorbed and has serious problems - or to fully acknowledge your pain in not having a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, stand up and step back. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her. And begin to protect, nurture and mother yourself. 

  2. Feel more empowered as you practice self love. Make a list of all that you have achieved without the support of parental encouragement and assistance. Realize that these assets belong to you and you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You will come to know that you are not defined by your mom, but by what you envision yourself to be.

  3. Focus on the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's actions or attitude may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family of your own and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

  4. Be clear about what you're willing to do. Perhaps your mother is older and still has unreasonable expectations of you yet doesn't value what you do for her. What you get in return may be criticism, arguments or tantrums. Try your best to stick to your rules by writing a list of what you will tolerate. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Maintain firm boundaries as you handle these challenges. Some women have to work it out by walking away.

  5. Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands - or even realistic ones that you can't meet because of how you feel or other commitments. You can create a more balanced sense of wellbeing by setting limits, especially if your mother is verbally abusive. You don't have to continue to identify with the role of the victim. Although you may not be able to change what happens to you, you can change how you handle it. Consider the possibility of seeing a therapist. Learning how to self soothe and manage your moods will help you feel more in control of your life.

As you continue to work on getting what you need and want, think about the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have been incredibly damaging, making it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is and what she did to you doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up. Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, "Stepping Stones," and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."

Remarkable as it is, doctors can estimate how tall a child will be and when she will be done growing-- simply by reading an X-ray of  her growth plates.  My daughter recently got the news (while investigating a foot pain) that her height was likely in its last 6 months of growth before her growth plates will close up. Now, at nearly  5’4″ with an insatiable love of sports,this was not great news for her. Although she is presently taller than her mom and grandmother, she wants to be taller.

And so the race begins… She wonders, what do I have to do in the next few months to maximize the growing time I have left before my bones close up and seal me up for a lifetime?  That is until I begin the shrinking process that has made grandma go from 5’3″ in her prime to 4’11″ at age 80? So now nutrition, rest, hydration and exercise seem to be super-charged. After all, the calendar pages are flipping….

Unlike our physical growth plates, our spiritual growth plates never close. We are able to explore and expand our spiritual growth until we exhale for the last time–but rarely do we approach that growth with the same zeal that a 13 year old has when trying to race against her biology for an extra inch or two in height. Imagine if we held in our consciousness the same zealous desire to understand our personal truth, universal truths and just how rich our lives could be as though we were in a race for enlightenment during this lifetime?

Because our spiritual growth plates never close up, we can sometimes be complacent.  People may say, I am a logical-thinker -type and not at all spiritual– or I am a facts-person, not an intuitive-type. This simply baffles me. This sort of musing is like saying, ” I am more of a person with a beating heart than a person who breathes.”  To ignore one of your real dimensions is to be less than whole.  To ignore one facet of your true nature is to rob the cornucopia.  No corn in a cornucopia?  That just would not do.

You are a thinking being…

You are an emotional/feeling being.

You are a physical being.

And yes… you are a spiritual being.

Defining what “spirit” is for you –matters only to you–but I can tell you it has little or nothing to do with organized religion.  Just as you are aware of great sadness and joy, defeat or triumph– your body has spiritual messages it provides with physical feedback. With the exception of some biological/chemical imbalances, issues ranging from depression to restless sleep, all are rooted in spiritual causes.The pit in your stomach, the goose-bumps, the warm heart, the lightness in your step… these are all ways to take your spiritual pulse so-to-speak… they are spiritual indicators of your health and well-being.

Your spiritual growth plates are wide open and ready to expand.  What will you do today to honor that truth?  Maybe you could uncover your own definition of spirit, explore your bio-feedback to the relationships in your life and your work–explore a spiritual book, take a meditation class… there are so many ways to explore the non-physical part of you.  It is spiritually responsible to own this part of you. Your spirit is there whether you tap into its power or not.  And actually if it is locked in a basement with no light and sustenance I can tell you it will lose its vibrance just as a physical body will if cut off from those things.  And honestly it is like driving with no dash instruments… Visual clues are very misleading in life.

If you are connected to that part of you, that is truly wonderful, now teach another to connect.  Truly the most empowering gift we can give our children is permission to honor their spirits and advocate for the health of all four of their natures (listed above).

If you have not peeked at Soul Salon International’s 2010 Top Books for Awakening listed on the home page at SoulSalonInternational.com–this is a great place to continue your growth, start your connection, or reconnect.

All the very best,

Rena M. Reese

Founder, Soul Salon International

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Rena M. Reese is the founder of Soul Salon International and  one of its divisions, Headedforhealing.com. She the author of several inspirational titles and a professional speaker. As the host of a weekly radio program on BTR called, The Soul Salon in addition to being a featured expert at Success Television and a contributing writer for Affluent Magazine she is dedicated to helping people with their physical and spiritual revivals. Her twitter name is @TheSoulSalon and on Facebook--look for Soul Salon International.

(c) 2010 Rena M. Reese

All Rights Reserved

Chronic illness can foster a bad attitude. Have you noticed how negative thinking creates negative behavior?  Now flip that idea and you're into the positive psychology school of  thought.  I'm skeptical about  'quick fixes'  for tough, long standing behavior.

But from my own experience, you can retrain the way you think. It takes 3 things: determination, hard work and patience.

When I returned to work after several years of  illness-induced unemployment,  I knew the toughest part for me would be keeping a positive mental attitude at work.  I'd always been able to stay upbeat about my health yet I'd get very negative about work.

But I could no longer afford that attitude.  I challenged myself to change my thinking.  I did.  And that has been one of my proudest accomplishments in my professional life.

No doubt it's easier for some to take charge of their thoughts than others.   Most of us have to adopt new practices and work long and hard to change how we think about things to create new behavior.

Recently, a client was talking about her anger at work.  She'd asked for certain accommodations that she believed would allow her to move from part time to full time work.  Her request was rejected and she's deeply angry.   Her anger about her illness -- and other life difficulties -  have surfaced with this.  Very understandable.  But now her bad mood at work has created worse problems.  For the first time, she's getting negative performance feedback .

Working from my workbook with The Pulse,  an exercise I created, she's practicing to be more self observant and slow down her responses.  It's not a quick fix.  It might not help her keep this job but she can learn to understand her experience and manage her emotions and thoughts better for the long haul.

Living with illness presents the challenges, frustrations, loss and opportunities. The same as healthy people face. But because we've lost so much, we have to work harder to make the most of what is available to us.

When you're in pain or fatigue, it's tempting and easy to be angry or sad.  How much does  that influence your behavior?  Does it get in your way?  What can you do?

If you believe someone would enjoy and benefit from this post, please share it. Just click on the + Share button and you will see lots of options for sharing it with friends including email, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks!

PASS THE WORD:

Do you want to work with a coach to achieve greater job satisfaction? For the month of May 2010, I am offering a special deal to all newsletter subscribers:

When you make an investment in your career and sign up for 3 months of career coaching with me, you will get 50% off my regular fee for 3 months.   (That's a $450.00 savings!)  And you get my workbook ($40), pictured above,  for free.

Note:  You must have a chronic illness or chronic condition and you must be currently employed or actively looking for a new job or career.

Want to know more?  Email me, Rosalind@cicoach.com, and put May Special in the subject line.

The answer is: winning (or, to describe it in a business context, "better business outcomes").

Research has shown that better business outcomes produce a higher level of employee engagement.* That makes sense. When a group is winning, it boosts the status of its members. They feel better about themselves because they're winners. They are more cooperative with one another, feel more connected to the organization and their fellow members and this further enhances performance. It creates a spiral up in performance.

In contrast, poor business outcomes bring about stress and, in many individuals, feelings of inferiority. Mood and cooperation decline, incivility increases, all of which have a negative effect on performance.

We all know that winning is not always lasting. This year's Super Bowl champion may or may not make the play-offs next year. And we also recognize that winning in business is even harder to do in a tough economy. It is in times like these that boosting employee engagement is even more critical. In fact, it is essential to counter this downward spiral. With recent research from the Corporate Executive Board showing that 90 percent of employees are not engaged in their jobs or not aligned with strategy, employee engagement should be at the top of every leader's list of priorities. Research has shown that employee engagement is positively correlated with business outcomes. Engaged people persevere through the challenging times and oftentimes the level of employee motivation determines whether an organization lives or dies.

Today, organizations are keeping a close eye on the bottom line and many are not investing in employee engagement at a time when they most need it. This is unfortunate. Putting employee engagement and alignment processes in place is a best practice and inexpensive. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Every organization should train managers so they know how to engage employees, implement an employee engagement survey, and hold managers accountable for results. Failing to do so will ensure organizations will not play at the top of their game during good times and will contribute to their underperformance in difficult times like today.

----

Michael Lee Stallard speaks, teaches and writes about leadership, employee engagement, productivity and innovation at leading organizations including Google, GE, NASA, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics and the Darden Graduate School of Business at the University of Virginia. Michael wrote the guest editorial for Talent Management magazine's February 2010 edition and recently his article on how the force of connection boosts productivity and innovation was featured as the lead article in the UK's Developing HR Strategy Journal. Click on these links to learn more about Michael and Jason in the media and their speaking engagements.

*Benjamin Schneider, Paul J. Hanges, D. Brent Smith, and Amy Nichole Salvaggio, “Which Comes First: Employee Attitudes or Organizational Financial and Market Performance?” Journal of Applied Psychology 88, No. 5 (2003): 836-51.

Have you experienced any of this yourself? Your eager anticipation for the holidays is over, replaced by the reality of a celebration that didn't live up to your expectations. Your clothes are tight from the weight you gained from the parties and winter sweet cravings. Your loved ones are gone and you're feeling lonely. By the end of the first week of January, one-third to one-half of you have already caved in on your New Year's resolutions, leaving you feeling disappointed and frustrated. The credit card bills have arrived and you realize you spent more than you planned. And, with all the holiday lights, you may not have noticed the short days and long nights in December - but now it's painfully obvious that winter is clearly here.

It's time for some honest self-reflection. What is currently disturbing you the most? Consider both your physical and emotional reactions. Once you are aware of the real problems, you can begin to identify possible solutions and map out a plan to implement them. Here are 10 tips to help you deal with January gloom and direct your focus to the opportunities open to you.

1. Revise your New Year's resolutions so you can achieve your goals. You may need to scrap your original list and come up with less grandiose aspirations. Don't beat yourself up for falling short of promises you made to yourself that were out of reach. Who hasn't made mistakes? Take it one day at a time as you revise and come up with a Plan B.

2. Commit to an exercise plan you will continue. Physical activity can release endorphins, reducing your stress level. Studies show that 30 minutes of brisk walking reduces depression for several hours. A regular exercise routine can also play a part in weight reduction and better sleep patterns. Plan to include some outdoor daytime exercise to take advantage of the natural light outside.

3. Establish eating habits that incorporate nutritious foods in well-balanced meals. During the holiday season, women can gain an average of five to seven pounds. Now get back to a healthier diet and smaller portions. Leafy green vegetables with high levels of folic acid and oily fish with vitamin B-12 and omega-3 fatty acids help maintain an upbeat mood. Foods like Brazil nuts are rich in selenium, needed to produce serotonin.  

4. Draw on your strengths. What worked for you before when you were feeling down? What core values guided you as you coped with frustrations and disappointments? Use these again as you face challenges in January and watch your resiliency come to the forefront. Don't hesitate to call upon resources that are there for you.  

5. Identify activities that reduce the stresses in your life - then include them in your schedule. If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, these can range from having help with childcare or eldercare to setting aside time to listen to music, read a good book or just do some deep breathing. Get in touch with your spiritual connections for balance and grounding. When you are feeling relaxed and authentically free, you'll be better able to cope with the hassles you face this winter. 

6. Get support from your family and friends. It was easier to connect during the holidays, but make an effort to follow-up with your social network in January. Share your concerns and validate your feelings or gain a fresh viewpoint. New support and discussion groups as well as community colleges classes generally begin after the New Year. Reach out and join to gain insight and perspective. And don't forget to spend time with friends just for the plain fun of it - laughter is a great tension reliever.

7. Turn crises into challenges and challenges into opportunities. Use this time to research changes you want to make. Although you can't control what happens, you can control how you handle it. If you're unhappy with your current job, consider how to make it more interesting and engaging. Instead of holding on to family conflicts that boiled up over the holidays, let go of your resentments and anger. When you can forgive, you stop feeling sorry for yourself and become more optimistic.

8. Express gratitude for what you have. It may sound simple, but as you've heard many times, "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." What are the things and people in your life that you are grateful for? You'll find that when you increase your awareness of these positives, you'll be less likely to experience feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

9. Look outside yourself to those in need. Studies have found that when you perform acts of kindness and giving to those who have less, you feel happier yourself. Around the holidays, numerous organizations send out requests for financial donations but all year they need volunteers to help staff their programs. Consider what best fits your interests, abilities and schedule - then make your contribution with your feet.

10. To cope with financial issues, make plans that won't further impact your budget or credit card debt. In the current recession, many families are enjoying activities such as potlucks with friends, visits to local museums, taking daylight walks, borrowing a book from the library. Be creative in your quest for low-cost entertainment.

With a new year and a new decade, this is your opportunity to set the tone for this time in your life. However, if you've tried the tips above and are still feeling the winter blues, you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or a clinical depression. Consult a specialist in psychological disorders for constructive input about these conditions.

© 2010, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

So, on this sunny, chilly morning, I decided that maybe I was making a mistake and because I wasn’t ‘in the groove’ could become the bumbling middle aged lady on the block with a stale sameness about her. (Admittedly, part of this stems from my huge fear of getting older and living in an apartment with a ceramic Christmas tree, clothes I’ve worn for over 15 years, meals that consist of food from a can and a few cats that talk incessantly.)  I picked up the paper and true to form, the news was just awful.  ‘One of their own’ kills 13 at Ft. Hood, unemployment now impacts 1 in 10, and there is a vibrant college junior missing with pleas for help from her distraught family.  Those three headlines came with just a quick glance.

And those stories are just from my little corner of the world.  Bad things happen in all states, countries, continents.  But there is another side to this.  Turn this over and see what you get.  There is beauty and calm in the smallest of events that we don’t read about or experience.  Take my quick glance at the paper.  While these awful things were happening, at the very same moment, a baby was born, love was made, hands were held, a diagnosis provided fabulous news, a couple became engaged, someone got their dream job and life moved along it’s path.

Looking for the good doesn’t negate the bad, it doesn’t mean you don’t care or you don’t empathize. It does mean that there is another way.  And so today, I realized that again, it’s all up to me.  I feel better about my decision to put the news away.  My personal choice is to lean into the good, to remember that we all get our share of junk to haul and that life indeed, is beautiful.  I know this sounds trite and silly but it’s so true and so overlooked.  It’s almost like you need a special pair of glasses to find the good and see the beauty. As they say, it takes just as much energy to be in a good mood as a bad one, to be positive as to be negative and to be happy as it does to be sad.

With the energy and focus I have, my choice is to go for the good.  Why the hell not? It sure leaves you feeling better than after you’ve swum down into the depths of the awful.  Take heart, enjoy the day and find the good.  It’s there, I promise.

 

Does this person have outbursts? 

Is it a colleague who is uncooperative and its affecting your bottom line? 

Is it your boss not paying attention or does s/he change his or her mind all the time and you have to spend a lot of effort trying to figure out how to engage them? 

Even in good times,  you always have to deal with the ‘personality’ of fellow workers.   And in these difficult times,  it can sometimes ‘bring out the worst’ in people as people perceive they are competing for resources and vying for the attention of bosses who will be making promotion and termination decisions.     

It makes your days chaotic, as you have to constantly deal with interruptions,  moods, and personality styles of other people.  

Politics feels like what other people create, what other people do and how you have to manage them in order to get what you want.  It seems at first glance like what you need to do is ‘change’ the other person.   

But trying to change the other person will contribute to your stress.   The other person is displaying a coping style which they have had for a long time and are defaulting to now under stress.    Trying to change them creates chaos and is generally futile because its beyond your control.  

The person you have the most control over is yourself (even though it sometimes doesn’t feel like you have much control over yourself either!)  The best way to influence someone else to act the way you want them to is to change your 50% input to the interaction.  

For example, if you are dealing with someone who lashes out, they expect that their outburst will make you ‘cow-tow’ to them.  But instead, you can have a response in which you protect yourself from their anger.  You can use “reverse breathing” in which you breathe in long slow deep breathes through your mouth and out through your nose.  This type of breathing will help you stay calm and centered, so you won’t react with anger or hurt. Similarly, you can use a variety of metaphors to imagine a protective shield around you (e.g., a streaming of white light, a breastplate, a wall, etc) so you don’t ‘take on’ their negativity.  You can diffuse their anger by asking them a series of questions that will elicit their main concern. Meanwhile, you are showing empathy by letting them vent. This generally helps the person feel ‘heard’ and gets them to the other side of their outburst.  

When you stay calm and keep a level head, you will be able to steer the conversation towards getting the information or getting the answers you need.  As you stay focused on helping them get their goals they will help you with yours. And just as important, when you leave the interaction with them, you won’t have to go back to your office and do the typical time-wasting ‘detox’ behaviors for a half hour, such as surfing the internet, venting to a colleague, etc 

You want to become aware of how much time you are spending obsessing about situations in which you have to deal with politics so you can free up hours of your time a week.  You want to become aware of how much of your energy is drained trying to figure out how to deal with a colleague who is playing politics so you can stay focused on your own goals.     You want to have strategies for dealing with a colleague who’s not getting you the information or deliverables you need to do your job so you don’t have to take that frustration home with you.      

To significantly reduce the time, energy, and focus you waste on dealing with politics,  join me as Success Television founder Helen Whelan questions me on how you can take your workdays from Chaos to Control on Wednesday October 14th at Noon EST.  Register here>>

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Sharon Melnick, Ph.D. is a psychologist informed by 10 years of research at Harvard Medical School whose techniques help talented and successful people "get out of their own way”. She has helped emerging leaders get promoted faster at Deutsche Bank, Oracle Corp, Deloitte Consulting, Pitney Bowes, Visiting Nurses Service NY, FreddieMac; and has helped numerous entrepreneurs have the confidence to grow their business more than 50% in difficult economic times.

She has appeared as an expert for Success Television, Huffington Post, Air America, American Management Assocation, Monster.com, Natural Health, and Ebony Magazine.

To download her free Special Report Blocked!  How to Unlock Yourself from Getting in The Way of Your Own Way of Career Success in Stressful Times, go now to www.sharonmelnick.com.