Don't we all wear masks at one time or another, pretending that everything is OK? There are many reasons people may act out this charade. It's not uncommon to hide personal pain, because putting it on display for all to see can be embarrassing and even destabilize relationships. Yet studies show that using denial as an emotional defense and 'acting as if' everything is fine can actually shift your feelings in a more positive direction. And keeping a 'stiff upper lip' when you feel powerless may, in fact, result in your having more control over a difficult situation.

Yet underlying bad feelings don't just disappear when you hide them as a form of self-medication. The transitions we go through can be complicated. And perspective is valuable, no matter whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, giving up roles that have defined you in the past or making a slow adjustment to changes in your identity. Try to take a step back as you look at what's going on for you emotionally. Implement some of the following tips and you can't help but grow from the experience:

1. Look deep inside and be honest with yourself.  You may be in denial about your emotional state of mind. If you've been quiet, withdrawn or holding back, what are you hiding? Or if you've been frustrated, angry or acting out, what are you trying to prove? Consider what you are doing that may not be in your best interests.

2. Stress can be a catalyst for negative behavior. Reduce the pressures in your life by honoring your body. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Actually schedule some relaxation into your daily routine until it becomes second nature.

 3. Seek out the support you need and connect often. Spend time with friends who understand what you're experiencing or who have had similar circumstances. Talk with family members whose opinions you respect and trust.

4. You may be confused about what to do next. Don't be afraid to see a therapist or a coach. Learning techniques from experts can make a big difference and talking about your concerns can be a lifesaver. If you begin to put unfinished business to rest and take better care of yourself, you'll be free to express yourself more directly to those who are important to you.

5. You deserve the life that you want. If you're having problems - with your job, relationship, family, finances or health - evaluate the situation. Understanding and working through the impact is important to your well being. Decide what changes need to be made and begin to move forward, step by step.

6. Accept the person you are becoming. As you redefine your self, it can lead to you gradually feeling more powerful. You will be able to go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.

7. Bring congruency into your life. Notice that when you feel one way and act another, you're out of sorts. Work on synchronicity – that is, making what you feel match what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world – and live them.

It can be difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when circumstances are emotionally painful. But there are psychological pitfalls when you present a false self and mask your true identity. If your negative feelings stem from a void inside, examine what is missing in your life. It takes a lot of courage to exorcise you demons and the road to healing is long and hard. But you can hold yourself to a higher standard. Take off your mask and commit to feeling more positive about yourself.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, 'Stepping Stones.' Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com  for practical tips on how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.

The doctor who implanted the fertilized eggs is being investigated by the medical board. The risk of such a pregnancy is not only to the mother but also for the babies. There are potential physical problems that will need to be carefully monitored over the coming years. Likely there will be psychological issues to deal with as well.

Even though Suleman loves being a mom, there are 14 children and only one of her. She can’t do it alone. It's not possible for her to take care of the emotional needs of that many growing children. The potential developmental delays and learning disabilities will require adjunctive therapies. And the long term costs will be significant. Meanwhile, the hospital bill alone will run well over $2 million.

Suleman called her childhood dysfunctional and said she didn't feel that she had much control over her environment. Almost everyone has some identity issues or feelings of powerlessness growing up. If you are depressed or need to take better care of your emotional self, begin by following these tips:

1. Notice if you are in denial about your emotional state of mind.  What are you doing that may not be in your best interests? And why? For example, if you're thinking about getting pregnant, it could be a short term solution to help lift your spirits. And this could leave you with other longstanding problems for yourself and your family. 

2. Honor your body by understanding what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel more relaxed or alive.  

3. Forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing. Watch their reaction and see how that makes you feel. That doesn’t mean you have to totally forget about it. If you had a dysfunctional upbringing, try to understand the problems it is causing you now. Learn a lesson from the situation and move on, especially for your own good.

4. Practice what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world. Notice the effect your attitudes and behavior have on other people in your life. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

5. Knowledge is power. Use it to your advantage. Get information about ways to deal with how you're feeling - explore the Internet or the self-help section of bookstores. Think about the natural and logical consequences of the decisions you are making. Talk about how you are feeling with friends and family whose opinions you respect.

6. Support is a valuable tool - connect often. Accept the changes in your family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Find a class or workshop through your local university extension program or mental health center. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective.

7. You may be confused about what to do next. Don't be afraid to seek out a parenting coach or a family therapist.  Although you may see yourself as a natural, this is a unique situation. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference and talking with someone outside of the family about your concerns and frustrations can be a lifesaver.

All Suleman ever wanted was to be a mom: "I longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up.”  She thinks that motherhood cured her depression. But child birth should not be used as a form of self- medication.

If your feelings of depression stem from a hunger inside that needs to be satisfied or a serious emotional problem, take the time to examine your own life. That will give you the chance to focus on greater personal awareness and your own emotional growth without jeopardizing the wellbeing of others. 

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers' family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.